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I thought I was pure as the wind driven snow.

That's the funny thing about confession or even finding that you or I have an awakening and come back to Christianity or Catholicism..... we get full of ourselves and think ourselves just peachy and great...maybe just a little bit better than our brothers and sisters cause they can't quite be as good as we think we are.

So then maybe my little missteps are to be understood and forgiven cause in my heart I'm just a good guy.

Well there you see how that little smidge of pride can sink us. That's what hit me. Is that no matter how hard I try I think sinful things, I look at stuff in a sinful way, I hope sinful things about certain people, I steal by goofing off at work or fudging on the taxes ...and on and on.

Then I realize what I've done and go back and ask forgiveness and retry to live a life without sin but I keep failing. It's a never ending process and I ask God everyday to help and thank him for every small little victory.

But I know it isn't enough and I fear that I will end up where I deserve... and pray and hope upon hope that I somehow will receive the grace of God and he will find it in his heart to forgive me and all my sins. I think that's what any of us can do. Just pray and give our best efforts (God knows what's in our hearts and not just on our lips) and hope/pray it is good in his eyes.

I'll bet every disciple of Christ has felt that way from time to time. I certainly have.

But Christ didn't intend His followers to live in doubt and despair. Listen to this from Paul:

"And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled in the body of His flesh through death, to present you holy, and blameless, and above reproach in His sight if indeed you continue in the faith, grounded and steadfast, and are not moved away from the hope of the gospel which you heard, which was preached to every creature under heaven, of which I, Paul, became a minister." - Colossians 1:21-23

Let us diligently search the Scriptures for that gospel. And once we've found it, yield to it and hold to it, no matter what our Lord asks of us, and no matter what we suffer for being His disciples. Lest otherwise we "end up where we deserve". :-)