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And thus one cannot baptize themselves, another person has to say the words while pouring water over their heads. Similarly, one cannot be forgiven until a person with the authority to forgive sins in the name of Jesus says you are absolved.

Well that's the fallacy...For the reality, the truth, go to the scriptures...

We don't need an unbiblical priest to forgive or absolve our sins...Christians and non Christians alike go straight to the throne of God...

Heb_4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Come unto a priest??? How absurd...

Mat 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Mat 11:30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Lets not forget that a priest has the authority not to confer absolution.

If a man confessed a serious sin, and such a sin is ongoing, such that say a person wanted to confess planning a bank robbery, and intending to commit the robbery afterwords, a priest would have cause and the duty to withhold absolution on the grounds of John 20:22-23

John 20:22-23 He breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. "If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.

Matthew 16:19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

Matthew 18:18 Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

There are more examples from scripture. But suffice it to say, for a Catholic person, who has not been contrite enough such that they would not desire to make recompense for wrongdoings would be judged by the priest and remain unforgiven. Hence the Catholic stories about shaking crosses and loud shouts in a Catholic confessional.

You ignore the verse in which Jesus says to the apostles:

“Receive the Holy Spirit. Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven them, and whose sins you shall retain, they are retained.”

http://biblehub.com/john/20-23.htm

How can the apostles conceivably discern which sins to forgive, and which to retain, if they have no knowledge of those sins? Therefore, Jesus logically implies that people will TELL the apostles their sins.

It seems incredible that you would not have quoted such a relevant verse.