I know nothing whatsoever about your struggles, all I can say is, I am very sorry to hear how hard it is. My only advice can be, don’t torture yourself on top of it trying to appease or reach a figment of someone else’s imagination. It only adds to your burden. It really is a waste of years.
I’ll take the harshness of the truth of reality over dogmatic fantasies, any day, hour, minute or second.
Athiest answer: just off yourself and put yourself put of your misery.
Believer's answer: there is hope in the midst of all trouble and God will be found when you seek him with all your heart.