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—Ok, so some physical abuse is ok? Must it be “SEVERE”? I don’t understand...—

I was just trying to dance around the subjectivity of the phrase “abuse” in general. And, to be frank, the word “severe” is even more subjective. My bad.

I had a friend whose wife tried to get him to hit her (but he didn’t) and filed for divorce a few days later. She confessed to him that her attorney had told her that if she could get a 911 call for domestic violence it would really help her in court.

Interestingly, my ex divorced me a few years later and just before she did she started antagonizing me and at one point walked up to me and pushed me against the chest as hard as she could. She literally fell backward as though she had pushed hard against the wall. It was so far out of character I asked her why she was apparently trying to start a fight out of thin air. It turned out she was several months into planning to divorce me and I got the papers just a few days later.

I can’t be sure, but I suspect she was doing the same thing my friends wife was trying to do. We never, EVER talked after that. When one side of a marriage believes very much in what marriage vows mean, it means the chord that ties the two together is a big steel cable. When one of those snaps, it is not pretty.

It was not an amicable thing. Even at one daughters wedding and two college graduations, I refuse to make eye contact with this person. To this day her name is “you know who” even around my children.

I’ve forgiven her, but recognise her for what she is. She is dangerous to me, my wife and my daughters. Especially my wife.

I agree with you on the abuse issue. NO abuse is tolerable.

Neither my husband or I would ever tolerate verbal/emotional/physical abuse of any kind. This understanding has held us to a higher standard from day one.

During the first few years, when we were trying to learn *how* to be married and arguing a lot, this invisible barrier saved our marriage. Even at our worst moments, neither of us ever once crossed that line. This made it possible for us to continue to focus on the real issues in our marriage and work through them. This shared fight to save our marriage made us much closer. Any abuse would’ve destroyed that bond.

In the end, intolerance of abuse makes human beings better people.