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I will stand here because I can do no other: It just gives me the willies when giving birth is described or alluded to as “dispensing.” Go ahead, build the fire. I’m ready.

What are you talking about? The claim is not merely that she did what she did just while giving birth. The claim is that she is still dispensing today. She is called the "neck" that connects God to us peasants down here: Mary, Mediatrix of All Graces by Father William G. Most . An excerpt:

...... We notice that Vatican II did not add the words "of all graces." However, as many papal texts point out, Mary's role in dispensation flows logically from her role in acquiring all graces. Further, the Council itself added a note on the above passage, in which it refers us to the texts of Leo XIII, Adiutricem populi, St. Pius X, Ad diem illum, Pius XI, Miserentissimus Redemptor, and Pius XII, Radiomessage to Fatima.

Leo XIII, in the text referred to, spoke of her, as we saw above, as having "practically limitless power." St. Pius X said she was the "dispensatrix of all the gifts, and is the "neck" connecting the Head of the Mystical Body to the Members. But all power flows through the neck. Pius XII said "Her kingdom is as vast as that of her Son and God, since nothing is excluded from her dominion." These and many other texts speak in varied ways of Mary as Mediatrix of all graces, so often that the teaching has become infallible. (all emphasis added)

No offense, but THIS is the kind of stuff that really gives ME the willies. :) This means, to carry on my earlier analogy, that if you want your fix of graces, Mary is the one you gotta go see. :)