What is most important for you is to be what God calls you to be, whether a hermit, a solitary, or to any other vocation. All of them are called to union with God, all of them include contemplative prayer, and all of them have the same ultimate goal of Christian sanctity in Divine Communion here and hereafter. All of them require us to pray with all our hearts and souls for ourselves: "Thy Will Be Done!"
I suppose I could say I now live a solitary life dedicated to the Lord. I'm not working now and moved from my old stomping grounds near Philadelphia several years ago. My wife wanted to be with her mother and family in mom's last years so we picked up and moved to Kansas. Quite a change in culture from back east and I have learned to love it. All of the agriculture here often reminds me of the Lord's parables about sowing, harvest and fruit. We even have a small winery with a vineyard near here we pass on the way to Church. Friends, neighbors and family are all wonderful Christians.It wasn't the place I imagined I would be or would ever plan on being -- we were led here by God (with mom's help).
As I have said elsewhere, I['m a contemplative/mystic and not a Catholic. I long for solitude to read and meditate on the Word. I have found it hard sometimes to maintain my contact with God -- as if I had anything to do with it.
Last winter was particularly difficult. It was situational depression of that feeling of being disconnected. During that time, I faced many temptations during that time -- getting angry, getting away from my prayers and meditation. I decided to seek spiritual help, which I've never done before.
Our Church has an online congregation. I hadn't visited for awhile and when I went bsck to check it out, a new pastor had been assigned. As it turns out, she's a mystic who has authored a book on the subject and is very wise. After just a few minuets of chatting, the thought 'when the student is ready, the teacher will appear' came out of nowhere. We've had several one on one chats since and I consider her my spiritual director.
A lot of my problems centered around not knowing what the Lord wanted me to do. Wilma and I prayed together about it and found the Lord will lead me day by day and I shouldn't be anxious about the long term. Just follow the Lord's teaching in the Word.
When I was concerned about the depression/temptation, Rev Wilma suggested I read St John of the Cross 'Dark Night of the Soul'. I found it so comforting to find that centuries ago, there were others like me who experienced the same situations. He taught me that the Lord leads us through these states to reach a higher inner self. Also, the mystical experience cannot be put into words because it is of the spirit and doesn't translate to human language expect by symbols, art, music or poetry. I've become so frustrated in the past because I couldn't describe what my spirit and heart felt.
One of my favorite John of the Cross poems is: I Came Into the Unknown
A site Rev Wilma recommended that has a great deal of John of the Cross information is: Christian Mysticism
Blessings,
I am very intrigued by your account. I don’t mean to pry, but your post leaves questions open. Do you live in a community or completely alone? Is your liturgical life limited to the online meetings?
Please pray for us at FR, we sorely need it.