A Christian enters a schism
Christian: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Fellay does not respond.)
Mr. Christian 'Ello, Miss?
Fellay: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Christian I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Fellay: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Christian: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this schism what I entered not a half an hour ago in this former airplane hangar.
Fellay: Oh yes, the, uh, the Real Church...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Christian: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Fellay: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's praying
Mr. Christian: Look, matey, I know a schism when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Fellay: No no, we're not dead, we're praying.! Remarkable Church, the French True Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful vestments.
Mr. Christian: The vestments don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Fellay:: Nononono, no, no! 'E's praying
Mr. Christian: All right then, if he's praying, I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Poppie Pal! I've got a lovely fresh liturgical directive for you...
(Fellay hits the cage)
Fellay: There, Tradition in action !
Mr. Chrristian: No, that ain't Tradition. That was you pounding the pulpit
Fellay: I never!!
Mr. Christian: Yes, you did!
Fellay: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Christian (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POPPIE!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock Illicit Mass Call!
(Takes schism out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Christian: Now that's what I call a dead schism
. Fellay:: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Christian: STUNNED?!? Fellay: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was reviving Tradition. True Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Christian: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That schismt is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of life was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk about invalid excommunications
Fellayr: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for eternal Rome
Mr. Christian: PININ' for eternal Rome? Eternal Rome? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Fellay: The True Blue Blue prefers keepin' on it's kneees! Remarkable schism , id'nit, squire? Lovely vestments
Mr. Christian: Look, I took the liberty of examining that schism when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Fellay Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed the schism down, it would have nuzzled up to the Vatican, bent 'it apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Christian: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this schism wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Fellay: No no! 'E's pining for eternal Rome!
Mr. Christian: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This schism is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the pulpit 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' bastards in hell!! THIS IS AN EX-Church!!
(pause)
Fellay: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of real Churches.
Mr. ChristianPraline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Fellay: I got a SSSPV.
(pause)
Mr. Christian: Is it's mass licit?
Fellay: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Christian: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?