I stopped reading after what -- the fourth? -- reference to gunlicking. Not to far past his lamentation regarding goat cheese and basil, at any rate.
I can't imagine there being anything useful in the rest of it, but perhaps somebody with a higher tolerance for torrents of self-absorbed crap will be able to tell me if there's anything useful here....
ITS SAN FRANCISCO! You expected the author not to use euphamisms that included oral to phallic symbols? Please.