Regards, Ivan
Posted on 04/25/2003 3:58:36 PM PDT by MadIvan
From: info@feedtheiraqikids.org.uk
To: uday39@aol.com
Cc: qusay73@aol.com
...hadn't heard back from your dad re my last e-mail and I don't want to make a fuss about it, but they're on Sky right now rolling that big head from his statue down the street and they just went past a bank that's on fire and there were all these people jumping up and down and throwing all the money in the air and I couldn't help noticing it was the Bank of Saddam at the corner of Saddam Hussein Avenue and Saddam Hussein Parkway. Which as you know is the branch your last cheque was drawn on. So I was just wondering if perhaps it would be easier for your dad to wire me the funds? If necessary from Damascus...
From: info@nobloodforoil.org.uk
To: customerservice@natwest.co.uk
...extremely annoyed to receive your letter demanding I return my cheque card and Platinum Visa, both cut in two. Obviously, I am as surprised as you that the cheque I paid in for £3,000,000 from the Supreme Revolutionary Council (Entertaining & Miscellaneous Account) bounced, but it is hardly my fault that I had already in good faith sent off the payment for the extensive refurbishment of my chateau. I have written in the strongest possible terms to the military governor of Baghdad in care of the Pentagon pointing out that the successor regime is most certainly responsible for the debts of its predecessor.
As to your refusal to allow me to use the chateau to secure the overdraft, I did not say the property was not in my name, I said it was in the name of Not In My Name, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Coalition For Peace, which is the principal Cayman Islands-registered holding company of Totalitarian PR & Hospitality plc, a registered charity owned by my wife. That being the case, I am outraged by your decision not to honour my cheque of £12,473.89 to Gieves & Hawkes drawn on my End The Suffering Of The Iraqi People Now! (Depleted Uranium Fund) account. While it is true that I am no longer associated with the UN Oil For Food Programme, I can assure you that I have excellent Korea prospects - I mean, career prospects...
From: info@dictatormarketing.org.uk
To: dearleader@personalitycult.kp
...to let you know that you - yes, you, Kim Jong-Il of Number 1, Glorious Father Of Our Country Avenue, Pyongyang, have been personally selected to receive this once-in-a-lifetime invitation to join our family of satisfied dictators around the world. For a simple one-time activation fee plus annual direct debit, you'll be enrolled in our elite programme entitling you to start receiving the following benefits immediately!
* Comprehensive Dictatorial Image Makeover! Fellow dictators will marvel at the press you get once that dour old Maoist drabness has been thoroughly humanised by our extensive catalogue of beloved British accessories! To soften your genocidal image in the UK media, our consultants will provide you with a choice of traditional British favourites including (but not limited to) Quality Street, Scotch eggs, Dick Emery and authentic ``Major-type'' Y-fronts. And once your soft-focus image is in place, you'll receive...
* Three Annual British Telly Interviews By Leading Backbench Parliamentarians: Yessir, no one fawns quite like a maverick Labour MP, as you'll discover when...
From: info@kimjongillappeal.org.uk
To: dearleader@personalitycult.kp
....about the mix-up. As you know, we were looking for a photogenic girl with a life-threatening condition, and somebody in the office joked, "Hey, just living under Kim Jong-Il is a life-threatening condition" - meaning lack of food and so forth, nothing personal - and Kev, our new tax-deductible youth trainee, misunderstood and registered the charity as the Kim Jong Ill Appeal. I totally agree with you that you don't look like a seven-year-old girl, nor do you display any signs of illness, but the fact is, in the month since your photo accidentally went up on the posters, we've raised £4.2 million and Harold Pinter's written a poem about how you suffer genital malformation from depleted uranium left over by the Yanks from the Korean war. I mean, obviously it's not you with the malformed genitals, but the seven-year-old girl we got you mixed up with. I'm as embarrassed as you about the confusion, but it would be difficult to return the £4.2 million. However, as a sign of my deep personal admiration for a valued client, I would be prepared to waive your next payment under the UN Nukes For Food Programme on the understanding that...
From: info@dictatormarketing.org.uk
To: assad@baath.sy; bigcigar@fidel.cu; rmugabe@yahoo.com; pressoffice@ayatollahcentral.ir; mlepresident@elysee.fr
...this 85per cent reduction for instant enrolment is a time-limited offer that won't last forever - unlike your regime! As soon as we receive your cheque, we'll launch a Stop The Next War campaign personally tailored to your...
Regards, Ivan
I totally agree with you that you don't look like a seven-year-old girl, nor do you display any signs of illness, but the fact is, in the month since your photo accidentally went up on the posters, we've raised £4.2 million and Harold Pinter's written a poem about how you suffer genital malformation from depleted uranium left over by the Yanks from the Korean war.
Thanks Ivan.
Regards,
L
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