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In the words of Big Mo ...

By: Mark Passwaters, The Albany Herald April 10, 2003

With the end of the war in Iraq apparently coming to a rapid conclusion, the end for Saddam Hussein and his disgusting regime appears close. Unless you're French, there are few things about Saddam and his bunch you'll miss.

For me, one of those few things would be Iraq's information minister, Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf. This guy cracks me up. Every day, he gets up and gives an unintentional comedy routine as he tells the world what's "really" going on.

Sadly, some of Big Mo's commentary is butchered as translators leave out some things he said or miss the meaning of his comments. Since I speak Arabic, I thought I'd translate some of what he said so you, too, know what's "really" going on.

******"The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a lesson they will never forget."

Translation: "They have learned how to drop their weapons, hide and change into civilian clothes in record time."

**"These mercenaries ... they have sent their troops to be burned."

Translation: "Our sun is much stronger than the American sun and they don't have appropriate sun block. How can those pigdogs send these boys into battle without Coppertone?"

**"The Americans are not within 100 kilometers of Baghdad."

Translation: "See, look at this map. According to that, 100 kilometers would put them about six inches from me. They're not! Ha! DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE GUNFIRE!"

**"We have given them death and poison."

Translation: "Wait, those are our guys we did that to. I'm such a kidder."

**"We are in control of the airport."

Translation: "Trust me. I used to be a journalist before I got this cushy job."

**"They are not at the airport. All the pictures, it is like 'Wag The Dog.'"

Translation: "This is my answer to everything. Looking at Bob DeNiro makes me hot."

**"THEY ARE NOT AT THE AIRPORT!"

Translation: "They're at the airport."

**"We do not have weapons of mass destruction."

Translation: "But if we did, I'd use them on that Geraldo guy in a second."

**"We will kill and slaughter them."

Translation: "All we need to do is get an entirely new army and then the Yankee Dogs are toast."

**"They will drown in their own blood."

Translation: "Oh, that's my bad, that's our guys because we're too stupid to know when to quit."

**"Oh, fellow Arabs, come to Iraq and martyr yourselves for Saddam!"

Translation: "Well, he's not going to do it himself, because he's a wuss. But if you'd like to die needlessly, hey, knock yourselves out."

**"Saddam Hussein is in complete control of Iraq."

Translation: "Of course, 'Iraq' now consists of about two square blocks around the city center, but who's keeping score?"

**"We are having this press conference outside to show the results of the terrorist American attacks."

Translation: "The Third Infantry Division is outside the Information Ministry and we can't get in."

**"Do not repeat their lies!"

Translation: "Just repeat mine!"

For Big Mo, the end of the war will be an unpleasant shock. If he'd played his cards right, his schtick would have done well on the comedy circuit with the under-40 crowd.

Instead, he'll just be under six ... feet.