French Military History in a Nutshell

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[ward_of_the_state]

Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertantly creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchment take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War fo the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, whoe ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein". Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forstalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French". This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attems to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How Long until France collapses?"

[ward_of_the_state]

I think it was said best by the person (forgive me - I forget who to attribute this quote to) who said "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion".

[7 x 77]

"French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French."

And still it ended badly. A lot of needless bloodshed, and they created a lousy form of government.

[7 x 77]

"Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein". Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forstalls any improvement in the French bloodline."

Editor!

[Sofa King]

"And still it ended badly. A lot of needless bloodshed, and they created a lousy form of government."

Yeah, and it was all for nothing because they let Napoleon become emperor not long after.

[Future Snake Eater]

Oh boy...I won't play Posting Police here, but does "I Am A Bad American" by George Carlin ring a bell?

[Bogey78O]

yea...that sums it up...

[ward_of_the_state]

Sorry...just tryin' to have a little Sunday night amusement.
After all, tomorrow's Monday and I gotta go back to work. I just like to share some good cheer and humor with you all.

[yooper]

Where does Sean Le Penn and Ted D'anson fit into all of this?

[AnnO]

This is listed on ebay right now and I could not stop laughing as I read the item description.....seller is a real hoot and extremely clever. I bet they find it and take it off quite soon so check it out fast as it is well worth your time!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2160749477

[gov_bean_ counter]

French Revolution

The high point of which was the storming of a virtually empty prison that was guarded by a bunch of drunk old men.

[merak]

The all-time highlight of French military history has to be the battle of Agincourt. Participants, if memory serves, included about 5000 English with longbows, a few hundred English mounted knights, and about 35,000 French. As I've read it, the frogs charged into a funnel-shaped field and when they reached the narrow end of the funnel and began trampling eachother, the English shot them all. Some have surmised that even if there had been no English present and the French had only been required to plant their lances in straw targets, half of them would have still died.

[gov_bean_ counter]

when they reached the narrow end of the funnel and began trampling each other, the English shot them all

All this has been gleefully reinacted by Monty Python, right?

[rs79bm]

The Weekly Standard has a funny French parody in it's latest issue.

[merak]

That is SERIOUSLY funny!!

[ward_of_the_state]

Where does Sean Le Penn and Ted D'anson fit into all of this?

In the same league as Babette Streisand, and Madame Saradon!

[July 4th]

Um, yeah. I'm seeing this about three times a day now...

[AnnO]

Glad you liked it as much as I did and hope other Freepers go to ebay and check out this current offering and have a case of hysterics like you and I did before the ebay police find this seller's great item for sale!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2160749477

[ward_of_the_state]

AnnO - love that link! Thanks for bailing me out....'twould appear I've unwittingly made a bit of a nuisance of myself by posting this little piece.

[AnnO]

These are serious times BUT if we can't take out TIME for HUMOR we all might as well just pull the blankets over our heads! Nothing wrong with a little Sunday night excellent humor......"doncha" just wonder how long the ebay controller will allow that item for sale to remain......like to think he is either old enough to remember WWII or at least had a good enough education to know what happened during those years.

[SMEDLEYBUTLER]

French military