Replies

"Where is the mother" (and the collorary, "Where is the father") is a central point that got far too short a shrift in this article. What we did hear of was a picture of a child and her mother, both trying to look 19.

Here's my solution. Don't buy the clothes. Don't buy the makeup. Don't buy the CD's. Don't take her to those movies. Don't buy the magazines. Don't let her watch those TV shows. Sure, she'll see it, but that doesn't mean that you have to give it your stamp of approval or have it around her in your home. Tell your daughter you don't want her wearing that stuff because you don't want her going to school looking like a whore. Encourge her to engage in activities like band, chorus, athletics, Girl Scouts, anything where she has a chance to attain accomplishments that allow her to build her self-esteem from within, by actually doing something, instead of becoming dependent on trying to achieve self-esteem by getting praise from others for empty things such as what she wears or what she looks like.

Anyone watch the show, "Eight simple rules for dating my daughter"? The central characters include a father worrying about his very attractive teenage daughter and her involvement with boys. However, the title implies that he's trying to figure out how to control boys around his daughter. What he really needs to do is control his daughter. The younger daughter understands that the major problem is that the older daughter goes to school dressed like it's "casual sex day" at school. If the old man wouldn't let his daughter dress like a slut and made her stay home and study at night, he's have a lot easier time with her.

Anyone ever watch these shows and notice how in all the tours though all the rooms of these expensive homes, there's never one book in sight? And never a magazine, unless it's a pop-culture one. Guess they value things and expensive clothes very highly, but not education or non-popular culture.

Anyone ever watch these shows and notice how in all the tours though all the rooms of these expensive homes, there's never one book in sight? And never a magazine, unless it's a pop-culture one. Guess they value things and expensive clothes very highly, but not education or non-popular culture.

Watch "Frasier" on NBC Tuesday nights for a change of pace.

Here's my solution. Don't buy the clothes. Don't buy the makeup. Don't buy the CD's. Don't take her to those movies. Don't buy the magazines. Don't let her watch those TV shows.

That's only part of the solution. Once she's away from your house she may still have the desire to immerse herself in this sub-culture.

This problem is a problem of the heart. Restricting what we see on TV or in advertisements seems like a really simple thing to do but it doesn't address the issues beneath the surface: these girls have no sense of self worth, and it's usually because they have no father figure in their life to help them feel good about themselves. Mothers can only do so much to complete the picture for a girl when she is growing up. Girls need the love and acceptance from fathers to keep out of this kind of trouble.

"Here's my solution. Don't buy the clothes. Don't buy the makeup. Don't buy the CD's. Don't take her to those movies. Don't buy the magazines. Don't let her watch those TV shows. Sure, she'll see it, but that doesn't mean that you have to give it your stamp of approval or have it around her in your home. Tell your daughter you don't want her wearing that stuff because you don't want her going to school looking like a whore. Encourge her to engage in activities like band, chorus, athletics, Girl Scouts ...

Anyone watch the show, "Eight simple rules for dating my daughter"? ... the title implies that he's trying to figure out how to control boys around his daughter. What he really needs to do is control his daughter. have "

RonF, you make some really good points, but the best is perhaps your exhortation to worry less about the boys and more about your daughter. Several points are very important here:

(1) Your daughter has to choose to not make the mistakes and bad choices that we dads fear so much.

(2) Part of your daughter's motivation for her choices is not only fear (of AIDS or STDs) or training or education but a conscious decision to please her parents in spite of the pressures from the outside world. Yes, she will be curious about sex and perhaps imagine herself doing it with another boy. But what counts is her decisions at the crucial moments -- does she date the boy that is paying her lots of attention even thouth everyone warns her that his trophy case is full of names of her classmates? Does she go to the party that is unchaperoned?

A girl makes these decisions in part based on her relationship with her parents. This is an incredibly important point.

(3) Don't give your teenage daughter too many "don'ts" but do your best to train her to make the right decisions.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, try reading John Rosemond's book "Teenproofing your Home." John teaches discipline the way that Grandma used to discipline. No mushy-headed psychology from his lips or his pen. Pure common sense, with a foundation in the Bible.

Lastly, RonF, although you were joking about the "8 Rules" you are absolutely right that part of a Dad's challenge is to instill fear in the boy that is dating the daughter. Some of the best techniques are:

(1) Telling the boy that the family is "very close," meaning that any attempts to get inside her blouse or pants will be known the next morning at the breakfast table.

(2) Letting the boy meet your son, who hopefully outweighs the boy by 50 pounds. Add this visage to the "very close" statement.

(3) Doing nonverbal things like shaking his hand incredibly hard upon entering the house.

(4) Showing the boy who is in charge by sending him home if he is dressed poorly and telling him that if the girl is one minute late you will hold him responsible.

Robert Wolgemuth tells the hilarious story about his 16-year old daughter's first date. The boy comes over, visibly nervous because the girl had warned him about her dad. But dad only takes the boy into his office and they chat about sports, cars, etc., until dad asks the boy what is most important to him. The boy replies, "My car!" and then continues telling the dad how lovingly he maintains and cares for the vehicle, and how proud he is of it. The boy clearly does not see the trap he is making for himself.

Then Wolgemuth asks him, "You know, my car broke down today. May I borrow your car when you're done tonight?" The boy looks at him, and then stammers, "Sir, I can't do that. That car is very important to me and I've just never let anyone else take care of it."

Now Wolgemuth looks at the boy like a hound smacking his lips at a treed fox. He replies, "Young man, you come here wanting to date my daughter. I can confirm to you that I love her far more than you will ever love you car. And, young man, you are borrowing her for the night! So I am making a far greater concession in letting you date her, than you would ever make in loaning me your car!"

Of course, the boy's mouth drops and his complexion turns a shade lighter than white. Wolgemuth looks at him as firmly as he can, and says, "So you'd better appreciate my decision to let you date her, and I darn well expect you to take better care of her than you take care of your car." The boy stands up to leave. Wolgemuth's final words are, "And don't mar the finish!"

The warning worked. Wolgemuth's daugther dated the boy for several months, and it was after 4 months that he finally asked her, "What did you dad mean by 'don't mar the finish'? "

Just my thoughts. Good luck to all you dads out there agonizing how to handle this very important phase of your parenthood.