Posted on 01/23/2003 9:54:51 AM PST by Willie Green
For education and discussion only. Not for commercial use.
Couples who decide to live together before getting married are now more commonplace than those who choose to marry before sharing a residence, said Dorian Solot, co-author of the book Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple.
The book, co-written by Solot's partner Marshall Miller, explores the issues surrounding cohabiting couples and alternative families. According to Solot and Miller's statistics, two in every five college-age people cohabit.
Jessica Dobrowolski (senior-geographic information science) is among those who gave cohabitation a try.
"It causes a lot of added stress that you don't anticipate," Dobrowolski said. "I lived with just [my boyfriend] in the apartment ... I think the stress is lessened if you have other roommates and your boyfriend happens to be one of those other people."
She named cohabiting as a reason the relationship did not last.
"I am going to be very cautious before moving in with anyone else I am in a relationship with," she said.
Solot said Dobrowolski had learned an important lesson in cohabitation -- it is a decision to be made carefully.
"Also, for many students it works out really well to live with a significant other and other roommates, especially if each person has his or her own bedroom," Solot said. "Then you're sharing more time than you would have been, but each still has a private space to retreat to."
Bryan Koval (senior-secondary education) has been dating his long-distance girlfriend for 11 months. He said he thinks cohabiting could be a positive experience.
"This sounds cheesy, but she is my best friend. Before anything romantic, she's somebody I like hanging out with and being around," he said. "The fact that she's someone I feel very strongly about would be an added perk."
Couples thinking about upping their commitment level by cohabiting have a few things to talk about, Solot said.
"It sounds like Bryan and his girlfriend have a serious relationship and are thinking about moving toward a higher level of commitment," Solot said. "As a next step, they should consider what their attitudes toward marriage are, and if that's the direction they want to go, talk about a specific time frame."
Brooke Everett (senior-anthropology) said she has been with her boyfriend for about two years, but would not consider moving in together yet.
"Personally, I wouldn't do it at this point in my life, but I think it's important to do it before you're married," Everett said. "You can love a person to death, but if they drive you nuts to live with, it's not going to work."
Michael Kerns (junior-music performance) went through a divorce in his early twenties. In light of his first experience, he chose to move in with his present fiancée before deciding to marry again.
"You know, honestly, I do think it was beneficial [to cohabit] because ... there are a lot of things I wish I'd known about my first wife before we got married," he said. "I think I would have acted differently."
Kerns said he felt he made better choices as a result of learning from the past.
"Because [my fiancée and I] had both been married before, we'd learned a lot about ourselves and knew the kind of qualities we were looking for in a person," he said.
Solot said her best advice for couples considering cohabitation is to talk about it.
"So many couples make assumptions. If one thinks they're just going to save money on rent by moving in together and see how it goes and the other thinks they're practically engaged, they're going to have problems," Solot said. "But my partner and I lived together as college students and 10 years later, we're still committed, together and happy. There's a lot of cause for hope."
The values that lead people to say it's OK to shack up--and to "move on" when the shacking gets tough--don't just disappear when marriage vows are uttered. In my own 25 years of college teaching, I noticed that most of my own students chose cohabitation over marriage, and few of the marriages they eventually did enter have endured. The victims tend to be small and helpless. The trend is getting worse; look how many people here defend it.
Absolutely. I've always been amazed at the number of people, here on a conservative forum, that are shacked-up.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, "shacked-up" needs to be defined a bit closer. If you're talking about meeting someone and immediately moving into their place, then I agree. If you're talking about moving together after engagement, I think that's a different story.
Incidentally, there's more to conservatism than the social aspect. Many folks here are primarily fiscal conservatives...
Agreed. Fiscal conservatism is smart idea, IMO, but I want to enjoy my life too much to buy into social conservatism. Social conservatives always seem perpetually angry for some reason or another (again, IMO).
My wife and I dated for six months, moved in with each other for 4 years, and then got married. That was five years ago, and we're completely happy. We both decided that we didn't want to make the same mistakes our parents did (who both got divorced) and so we see our marriage as a permanent arrangement. Sure, sometimes things get tough, but the good parts far outweigh the bad.
Thirsty men like beer!
Hungry people want food!
The Clintons are evil!
Not if you're lucky.
I'm always shocked at the number of people who think they are conservatives,and that it has anything to do with sex or other lifestyle issues. It is a political stance that has to do with limiting the power of government and maximizing the freedom of the individual citizen.
That's because they have the sneakying suspiscion that somebody,somewhere is having a good time and getting laid.
I don't, unless the couple isn't having sex. Sex before marriage is the real issue here, and it's clear that most people on this thread think that that's no big deal. I disagree.
Fair enough. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one.
Regards.
Well said.
This has been a nice change of pace.
Regards,
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