Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[ricpic]

Remember the old "Oh George, Oh Martha" routine?
Doesn't work so well as "Oh Cameron, Oh Tiffany."

[Amelia]

This also disproves the "Ebonics" theory that American blacks talk certain ways due to some "African language" barriers. It's the biggest load of crap that is easily disproven by taking a trip to London and walking into any British school.

You're totally correct there. I found that some black friends of mine, who usually spoke "black" could sound perfectly "white" if they were mimicking a white person.

[Astro Boy]

The last few Treys I've seen have been black kids, and it's been short for Deontrey, Shontray, or similar names.

Hmmmmmm...How about Ash-Trey?

Might as well, this world has gone MAD!!

[sandydipper]

Some how the ease with which you become lost is NOT suprising. What is totally baffeling is that the state has licensed you to TEACH? Teach what? Eubonics? How to fry collards?

[BradyLS]

Yeah, where did the Keyes come up with a weird name like "Alan"?

I thought Joachim Phoenix was black for the longest time... ;-)

[BradyLS]

They are just made up. There is a certain "sound" to them though, especially the girls' names.

You can find some odd names for the characters at a "Renaissance" festival that don't sound at all like anything out of the Renaissance.

[SupplySider]

I have a Vietnamese colleague who asked my aid in naming his new male baby. He intended to name him "Phuoc", which is a perfectly reasonable name in Vietnam (means "lucky" or "good luck"?) I told him, "Don't name your kid 'Phuoc'! Children can be very cruel." He named him "Khoi" but he is known to the other kids by an American nickname--I forget what. --Boris

I met a boy in India named Dikshit. Again, a perfectly fine, in fact excellent, name there, but that fellow will need some help if his family ever moves to the US :)

[BradyLS]

Can't answer your questions, but my mum is a Brit and the times we went back most of the black men there were named Nigel, Virgil, Arthur--none spoke ghetto lingo, but proper English and were indistinguishable from any other brit. Interestingly, there doesn't seem to be the same kind of racial tension as the states at least between black and white brits.

Exactly. People think that color divides us in this country. I really think it's language. Or at least the way we use/mis-use the same language.

[summer]

Some how the ease with which you become lost is NOT suprising. What is totally baffeling is that the state has licensed you to TEACH? Teach what? Eubonics? How to fry collards?

No, I teach other teachers how to avoid idiot posters on forums.

[summer]

Exactly. People think that color divides us in this country. I really think it's language. Or at least the way we use/mis-use the same language.

I think you make an important point, and the issue of how different Americans name their children is an example of the different way we use/misuse language.

As is discussed on this thread, no one group is being singled out, I find the black trend of using variations of products as names the most disturbing, from the point of view of the child.

I also realize that of all the black male studens I've taught, I never once met a black boy named "Martin" or "Luther" or "King." The black leaders revered by blacks are not a source of names for black kids from what I have seen.

The families of blacks - grandmothers, etc - are also not a source of names for black kids I've met.

And, the African heritage is actually not the source of first names of many black kids.

So, let's see: somewhere out there another black single mom gave birth today -- and perhaps named her kid something that sounds like an invented "product" name, as is the current trend I see.

That child grows up with a first name which does not relate to any role model.

No teacher can pronounce the name on the first try. Half his teachers won't even attempt to learn the name.

Now the student feel alienated whenever the subject of his name comes up, and he gets combative whenever people misspell it or mispronounce it.

Surely there must be a way to give a black kid a better start in life.

[OldBlondBabe]

I remember going to junior high school in the 70s with a girl named "Lancey".

[KriegerGeist]

"Heck, there are even some great truck names that trucks haven't been named for yet:"
Blackfoot, Arapahoe, Ojibway, Sioux, Nez Perce, Mandan, Zuni, Navajo (airplane but not truck), Crow, Hopi, etc., etc.

"Sioux" would be a good name for a high-end SUV for lawyers.
"Arapahoe" is a good name for a Lincoln "pimp-car" SUV or perhaps a "Lincoln Seminole"?.
A "Dodge Ram Blackfoot" or a "Dodge Ram Crow" has a nice ring to it.
"The new Chevy Navajo" doesn't sound too bad...but "The new GMC Crow" or "The new Chevy Crow" either sounds bragging or like it's a bad omen...
How about "The new Chevy Mowhawk"? or "GMC Mohican"?
Let the Japanese trucks have the Zuni and Hopi...Nez Perce (pronounced Nay-Per-say) can be left to the French automakers.

Oh, the name truck possibilities are endless...

[sandydipper]

No wonder our education system graduates students that don't know Asia from San Francisco - you had a hand in their education no doubt. Was your degree mail order or from one of the local islands?

[summer]

Your on-topic comments and insights have added so much to this fascinating thread. Thanks.

[FreedomCalls]

635 in all. It looks like that's the end of it.

[tom h]

"If I am a CEO, and I am hiring a new executive ... I admit it, I will be biased."

But for heaven's sake never say this anywhere except at Free Republic, and only anonymously. Saying it publicly would get you fired and your company sued.

[tom h]

"I really don't believe I'm a prejudiced person, but can't help but think that giving a child a name like Da'quandalon is a guaranteed ticket to nowhere. "

You're not prejudiced -- but you clearly are honest.

[Nea Wood]

I have a colleague who works with a woman whose first name is (no kidding) Waltrout.

I knew a Waltrout when I was a kid! We called her Wally for short. Wonder if it's the same person? :-)

[happymom]

bump