Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[FreedomCalls]

600!! Did you ever believe it would go this far?

[glory]

I'm sorry, but Madison is a totally cutesie name. Don't take it personally though, I'm sure you would hate my name choices although contrary to your choices they have actually turned out to be quite unique since they aren't as popular, especially my daughter--Melissa. Although people keep thinking she is saying the more popular Alyssa--shudder. We have yet to meet another Melissa on the soccer field, in a playgroup, etc.

[garandgal]

Believe it or not, my niece (age 7) is named "Josephine". She is usually called "Josie" or Jos", however.

I love the name...and by giving a child a traditional name at this point, you are assured of the uniqueness that others seem to be reaching for with some of the more outlandish examples seen here.

I also have a baby cousin named Madelaine.

[glory]

That was a hilarious episode--SEVEN--SEVEN!

[glory]

Yup--I'm a Karen and in the mid70s in elementary school there were at least 2 Karens and a 3rd joined us when her family moved to our town when I was in the 4th grade I think. My parents actually chose it so it could not be shortened. They did the same with my brothers--Sean and Ian.

[glory]

Unfortunately, I did know of a woman with a son the same age as my daughter and her child was named Arizona(she lived in that state at the time). Wonder how many other kids were named that in 1998. Btw, it sounded so foolish when she called the child by his name and he was only an infant then.

[glory]

Thought this would be of interest as well...
Top 20 names in the UK

Girls' Names


Chloe
Emily
Megan
Jessica
Sophie
Lauren
Charlotte
Hannah
Olivia
Lucy
Ellie
Amy
Katie
Georgia
Rebecca
Molly
Bethany
Emma
Holly
Ella
Caitlin
Abigail
Grace
Jade
Mia
Shannon
Eleanor
Alice
Jasmine
Courtney
Leah
Amelia
Elizabeth
Anna
Amber
Lily
Laura
Sarah
Rachel
Phoebe
Erin
Millie
Zoe
Abbie
Nicole
Paige
Niamh
Daisy
Natasha
Alexandra

Boys' Names


Jack
Thomas
Joshua
James
Daniel
Harry
Samuel
Joseph
Matthew
Lewis
Luke
Oliver
William
Benjamin
Callum
George
Adam
Ryan
Jake
Alexander

[glory]

Can't answer your questions, but my mum is a Brit and the times we went back most of the black men there were named Nigel, Virgil, Arthur--none spoke ghetto lingo, but proper English and were indistinguishable from any other brit. Interestingly, there doesn't seem to be the same kind of racial tension as the states at least between black and white brits.

[glory]

Do you think for the same reasons that I suspect white welfare mothers name their children Tiffany and Crystal? To add some sort of legitamacy to the child via a "creative" name? It's almost to say my child will probably have no other distinguishing attributes but their name so I'd better make it "original". Forget about naming them Susan or Donna or Daniel and making sure they grow up with a steller character instead of a steller name.

[StayAt HomeMother]

Let me try to tie several comments together:

I assumed the popularity of the girl's name Madison stemmed from the 1980s hit movie "Splash" with Tom Hanks, whose character named the mermaid Madison because he met her on Madison Avenue....

On an expectant list I was on a few of the names for caucasian male children were Storm, Riley Thunder, Asher, and Thor. As for girls--too many Hannahs to mention! ...

ACTUAL top ten names of 2001 ... Emily Madison Hannah ...

Darryl Hannah played the mermaid who named herself after the “Madison” street sign in the movie Splash, and now Madison and Hannah are number two and three on the list.

I would mention naming the next crop of boys Aragon and Frodo, but that discussion belongs on the Hobbit thread.

[glory]

Oh my gosh--toots put me on the floor..good grief, it's time for bed.
On a more serious note my hubby lost his uncle Chet(Chester) a couple of months ago. You would have loved his Dad's family's names--Mabel, his dad was Clarence(Rebel was his nickname), Buddy, Chet, and his grandma was Lizzy.

[Nita Nuprez]

all I can imagine is a toothless, pregnant, chain smoking ex-lap dancer laying on the duct-taped sofa of her Arkansas trailer, writing down name ideas from soap operas.

Big Hair.  You left out Big Hair. :-)

And it all depends on perspective.  How about rephrasing that from another, more positive point of view, just for fun...

... a well-endowed, well-coordinated, reformed and now-saintly woman (who, incidentally, was knocked toothless while fixing the roof so the Man of the House could sleep) who constantly lays on the sofa so her husband can practice his insemination skills and so she can practice doing home repairs with duct tape to enable him to spend all the money on his hobbie$.

There.  That sounds much better. ;-)

[summer]

Re your post #574 - Nope, never met any students with those names. Sorry. :)

[summer]

RE your post #576 - Thread officially closed.

That never works. :)

[summer]

Thank you for making this thread such a fun read!

"A good name is better than riches." Cervantes, Don Quixote [1615]

[Citizen of the Savage Nation]

Lol, I might get flamed for saying this, but it appears like white boys are named after soap characters as someone already mentioned, and the white girl names seem to come from stripper aliases. Megan is another white girl dead giveaway.

[AppyPappy]

ALL da wimmin folks who come into close personal contact with me call me "Super Duty".

Are you sure that's not Super Doodie?

[PallMal]

Can't answer your questions, but my mum is a Brit and the times we went back most of the black men there were named Nigel, Virgil, Arthur

Well, I'm originally from England, and could have been one of those black men you ran into.

none spoke ghetto lingo, but proper English and were indistinguishable from any other brit

I'm aware of the names used and that the accent of a black man in England is indistinguishable from a white man (unless the black person is a recent arrival from the West Indies or Africa).

This also disproves the "Ebonics" theory that American blacks talk certain ways due to some "African language" barriers. It's the biggest load of crap that is easily disproven by taking a trip to London and walking into any British school.

[jocon307]

'Newport was the choice of cigarettes among African Americans.'

A very excellent cigarette. I used to smoke these myself. All menthol cigarettes are popular with black folks, for whatever reason, I don't know. Black people also drink more tea than white people, in general. Again, I don't know what accounts for these taste differences. I used to work in a coffee shop, that's how I learned about the tea. Blacks, Jews and old people prefer tea, but in all it doesn't make enough of a difference, Americans drink tons of coffee to cups of tea.

All I can say is, if you want Menthol, smoke Newports!

[tom h]

Ricpic: I had never known of Shel Silverstein's role as the original composer but now that I do -- I admit to being revulsed. Johnny Cash's song was fun but Silverstein's ends with the boy becoming the father's gay playtoy (!). Sorry, but I don't find that particularly funny. Tell me -- how did such a song become a chart-topper? Did the musical version truncate the last verse?