Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[Erasmus]

I believe in classic or biblical names as well - preferably names that can have more than one nickname, so that if the child gets older and doesn't like the name, he or she has a couple of options - example, Elizabeth for a girl could be "Liz", "Beth", "Liza", etc.

When I was 10 or 12, my brother and I were talking with my mother about her first grandkids-to-be (likely to be courtesy of our older sister). She said she had a childhood playmate who went by "Lizzie," and she always remembered what a slob the kid was. She vowed never to allow any of her grandkids to have that nickname.

As fate would have it, her first grandkid (my first niece) got named Lizabeth. Fortunately, her nickname is "Beth." <)B^).

Since my sister married a man with English ancestors and a very formal English surname, the kids ended up with a mixture of actual family tree names or veddy English ones: Lizabeth Arlyn ('Beth'), Agnes Lord ('Lori'), Franklin Dexter ('Corky'), Geoffrey Byron ('Geoff'), and David (umm, 'David'). I think we can be forgiven for using invariably their nicknames.

[Nea Wood]

I was in the army with a man named "Vicky",or maybe "Vickie".

When I was in grammar school, I had classmates, twin boys named Vincent and Victor. Their mother called them "Vincie" and "Vicky."

[ErnBatavia]

...trend of trying to duplicate the roster of the Last Supper.

Please elaborate. The trend you're speaking of hasn't come up in this nearly-500-post thread, and I can't figure out what it is exactly that you mean.

That was a line from some comedian a few years back....check the names on the Little League teams (and now the high skool football teams), and you'll find a ton of Joshua, Jared, etc. - yes, the biblical names. And these kids (at least here in SoKal) were so named by their Soccer Moms who wouldn't know a church from a mini-mart, or the Bible from Vogue.....

[Erasmus]

I agree. Harkening back to my post #157, a child needs a name that will take him far, and serve him well in later life.

Like you should talk, Tonto. <)b^)

[summer]

I hear ya, and I respect what you say, but, I must also add: There are Asian kids in gangs out there in CA. I mention this only because while your experience is certainly one that influenced your thinking (and I don't criticize you for such influence), I also know all kids are prone to certain influences of today's world, UNLESS they have stronger family ties than the alleged lure of a gang.

And, for the record for lurkers and others -- I was thiking about this thread and why I so dislike the name "LaTissue" and I think it's simply this: I find it hard to take said name seriously. It would be a funny name for a character in a circus or on a tv show, but as someone attempting to do something serious like run for president, well, then, I just tune out to a name like that, because I perceive it as plain silly, be it the name of a black girl or a white girl or an Asian girl. Or any boy named "LaTissue."

And, finally, there are some really interesting links on this thread, including the link to the Social Security register of names (since 1990) and their lists of the most popular names, as well as the ABC news article about "strange" names of babies.

I'm sure the odd names mentioned by ABC are not limited to black children by any means. We're going through a time when parents are making some very peculiar choices as to first names of babies. According to the ABC article, the celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver (a white British male) just named his newborn daughter "Poppy Honey." So, she is "Poppy Oliver." To me, that sounds like the name of someone's grandpa.

[FUMETTI]

Those names were used before the Last Supper, Ern. They are classic names that are in fact until quite recently suggested names for Catholic children (especially Saint's name).

Tell me the truth, you have a daughter named Madison..LOL!!!

[TontoKowalski]

Ahem. The name Tonto has served me quite well, thank you.

(Laughing at myself)

[TontoKowalski]

You know, every time I think this thread is running out of steam, somebody sails in with another zinger!

[summer]

LOL..... Tonto, really, you kill me sometimes.... (that's a compliment in stand-up comic jargon).... LOL... :)

[Young Werther]

I worked with an ex-social worker who told this story.

A black woman had just given birth and overheard the doctor's statement about the birth. She thought that the name given by the doctor was beautiful. So she named her baby after the doctor's statement:

"It's a girl and here comes the ???"

You guessed it the young girl was named Placenta!!

[VOA]

I hear ya, and I respect what you say, but, I must also add: There are Asian kids
in gangs out there in CA. I mention this only because while your experience is certainly
one that influenced your thinking (and I don't criticize you for such influence),
I also know all kids are prone to certain influences of today's world, UNLESS they have
stronger family ties than the alleged lure of a gang.

Summer,
you've pointed out one flaw to my thinking...and I honestly admit to it.

Asian-American kids, like any other "group" in the USA can go "off the rails"...
I watch "America's Most Wanted" enough to see that criminality is an equal-opportunity
enterprise!

And, as I said I was leaving things "open" to the forum" from my description of my
personal incident in Minnesota...I freely admit it was a VERY flawed statistical
observation, but had more "weight" with me as a personal observation.

And I admit I was statistically prejudiced as, among my male buddies that I attended
a very conservative (mainstream) Churches-of-Christ-affiliated college with...
of the ones who married "Americans"...the divorce rate at 10-years post-marriage
was about 30%...
for my small sample of friends who married ladies they met on missions to Asia...or
"imported" wives from Japan or the Phillipines...no divorces.
(I think the true "kicker" with me is that the fellows that married Asian ladies...
they could hardly get even the American ladies in attendance at our
very Church-oriented/Family-oriented college to even give them the time of day.
They went "off-shore" mostly out of desparation, honestly.)

I admit the a personal sample such as mine is too small to have any statistical significance...
but what I've seen amongst my male college buddies...and on that bus in MN....
and heard from radio reports from even fellows like African-American conservative/libertarian
Larry Elder here in Los Angeles...

I guess those observations led me to make my previous post.
Even if it's not a totally fair or statistically-significant post...

(Summer, I'm just stating this to explain myself more...not to Justify myself......)

As before...I'll leave it to posters/lurkers to make up their own minds about this situation...

Often "The Onion" will create a bit of satire that has a ring of truth to it...
this one simply sounded like "real" truth from what I've observed over the years.

[crystalk]

I nowhere suggested the Alamo heroes were Anglo-Saxons exclusively. Most of the ones that get boys named after them were laboring-class Scots/Irish pioneers from the southern Appalachians.

They did speak English, as the besieging Mexicans complained they could not understand them.

Studies show that of just over 200,000 persons not native Indians living in Texas at that moment, only 4% were Hispanic, and those were white having come from Spain directly to Texas without any time to intermarry with Indians.

Seguin is the one most often mentioned.

[crystalk]

Sounds absolutely identical if yelled in scorn on a playground.

[summer]

RE my post #485 - PS I have in fact voted for silly presidential candidates (and silly names) in the past; however, in today's world, who serves our nation in the White House is actually quite important to me.

[summer]

RE my post #485 - PS I have in fact voted for silly presidential candidates (and silly names) in the past; however, in today's world, who serves our nation in the White House is actually quite important to me.

[summer]

VOA, I think your post #491 is very thoughtful, and again, I don't criticize you for your conclusions. We all draw conclusions from our experiences. Thanks for your very reflective posts here. :)

[Little Bill]

Urethra Franklin

ROFLOL, I remember that name, she got it from the moment she released her first record, I doubt anyone in Mass knows her real first name.

[TontoKowalski]

Often "The Onion" will create a bit of satire that has a ring of truth to it...

All satire (well, at least the best of it) has a ring of truth to it. It's just that with The Onion it's really biting, and really close to home. That's what makes it so good.

The PC's can rant all they want, but the list, while a little bit over-the-top, has that ring of truth. And I don't think the list, or this thread, is racist in the least. We've made fun of silly names and silly people of all races.

"LaTwanda" is no more assinine than "Cheyenne"

[crystalk]

But the Lakota themselves give their children English language names, even if a bit bizarre sounding to white ears.

In a previous life, we had John Big-eagle living across the Missouri from us, and his wife was Sophie Lowdog.

A major figure among Indians was Prairie-Chicken, who weighed some 500 lbs it was said.

Other last names on our phone route included "Tomahawk" and "Crows-Fly-High."

There is now a college out there called Shintay-Gleshka College, this is named for an Indian who in his lifetime was called Spotted-Tail.

[summer]

"LaTwanda" is no more assinine than "Cheyenne"

ROTFLMAO..... :)