Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[AppyPappy]

My brother, a surgeon, was talking to a patient some years ago and learned that one of her children was named Placenta.

Funny. I heard the exact same story in the 70's from a banker.

[TontoKowalski]

I wonder if your theory about the pickups applies to minivans...

If so, we should se a lot of Sienna's popping up, as the Toyota is a popular van. I wonder if there's anyway to check.

[ampat]

I think it is safe to say that the "Americans" of asian descent have assimilated.

[AppyPappy]

Odd thing is that you never meet Africans with names like Lashonda or the like. I knew an African man with the name pronounced Audrey. He was a rugby player. Of course, if you named your kid "Kofi", everyone would call him "cough drop".

[crystalk]

In a town in Virginia which remains nameless here, we had in school a {black} girl named "Female," because the nurse had written that on the birth certificate already and her mother thought it was such a pretty name. It was pronounced "Femmily."

We also had a {white} girl called Ophelia Peters.

[crystalk]

In a book called "Redneck names for your baby," it was suggested to name a boy "Houston," for like the city he would be big, sprawling, friendly, and about half polluted all the time.

It was also suggested to name a girl Savannah, for like the city she would be steamy, sultry, ready for a drink, and best seen dimly, through the pines.

[CounterCounterCulture]

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me. I moved over and asked her why she was crying.

"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.

I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."

I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."

"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."

~ Stephen Wright

[TontoKowalski]

Well, I went and researched my own question about Sienna's on the SS website referenced earlier in the thread.

In 2001, there were 354 Sienna's. That beat Diane, Sally, Donna, and Carol, among others.

[ErnBatavia]

On this thread, we must have a moment of silence on behalf of the departed brother of OJ's lawyer Johnnie Cochran; poor Rolanzo Phelectron Cochran met his demise in a crack house shooting.

In the Marine Corps, there was a Corporal by the name of "General James", and later I became aquainted with a driver who picked up regularly at our place - Kenya Saffola.

[Amelia]

LOL!

[crystalk]

I could see naming children Virginia or Georgia, or maybe even Carolina, but I never thought this Dakota thing would catch on. You notice they never say WHICH Dakota they are naming the child after...chances are it was conceived in a pickup named Dakota, that was the closest it came to blizzard land.

We have a boy in Sunday School here named Madison, but I do not think I see even one boy by that name on the Social Security list.

I notice that the extreme popularity of Madison as a name does NOT extend to Wisconsin, where it disappears. This even though other states like South Dakota which have cities by that name, go right ahead and name the kids that.

Stupid leftist university has given the Wisconsin left-trap a bad name.

I notice people in Dakota do not name their kids that.

[CounterCounterCulture]

OK, I'm naming my kid Nuke Nuke. That oughtta make the PC crowd cream their pants.

(note to all the available single Freeperettes...I'm just kidding...)

[archy]

And, many Black students' names are probably names you've probably never heard of.

Aw, no. The used car lots are full of 'em.

-archy-/-

[AppyPappy]

Those were nicknames.

[archy]

A lot of these real African names are beautiful.

Mom, Dad, I'd like to introduce you to my new fiancee, Bulawayo

[Amelia]

At least Virginia, Georgia, and Carolina are names that have been around for a while.

Would you want Dr. Dakota Jones performing surgery on you? Would you hire Montana Smith as your attorney? Sounds like pro ballplayers or the children of aging hippies to me. Not that I'm opinionated or anything. ;-)

[Mercat]

Perfect, I'm going to a baby shower this afternoon. (under protest since I hate showers) but this will be fun.

[Revolting cat!]

[snip]

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

[archy]

I notice people in Dakota do not name their kids that.

People in Dakota would know enough to name their kids Lakota if so inclined. But I've known a few in Wyoming on that state's eastern border with the Dakotas who've named their kids with Lakota names.

Mostly Oglala, Sicangu and Hunkpapa.

-archy-/-

[null and void]

Asians enroll their kids using anglo names as a courtesy to white parents, so they won't feel so bad when they see the Honor Roll.

BINGO!