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Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]
The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

Posted on 12/28/2002 6:21:39 AM PST by summer



TOPICS: Culture/Society; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: babynames; culture
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To: Harmless Teddy Bear
Austin? Dakota? What's next - naming your kid Chicago or New Mexico?

Austin is an old English name.

301 posted on 12/28/2002 9:49:49 AM PST by Capriole
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To: Kevin Curry
"Point of Origin: Crystal Gayle? (Named after a southern fast food chain)."

My experience is that Crystal/Krystyl/Chrystal ... originated from Crystal Meth.

Oh, another trashiest name: Dante. Dantes' moms are blondes, on welfare, and Dantes are multi-racial.

302 posted on 12/28/2002 9:49:50 AM PST by Prolix
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To: summer
Whether the boy is called "Aunt-Wayne," or "Aunt-Juan," either way the name is androgynous and ought to be avoided.

BTW whites ought to stop calling boys "Troy" or "Tracy" for the same reason. "Trey" is unforgivable on a birth certificate, but is permissible as a nickname, only if the child is a "three-sticker"=child given the same name as his father AND grandfather...

303 posted on 12/28/2002 9:50:54 AM PST by crystalk
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To: Nea Wood
I've always favored Tanyaneeka, Tuneesha, Tywan and Guam.
304 posted on 12/28/2002 9:51:16 AM PST by babylonian
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To: Beelzebubba
A lot of these real African names are very beautiful. You have to wonder why blacks don't choose these, if they're proud of their ethnic heritage, instead of made-up names that will forever identify the child as coming from a poor and ignorant black background. Have they no aspirations for their children?
305 posted on 12/28/2002 9:51:46 AM PST by Capriole
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To: summer
Like I said, go to an inner city school and let us know what you find out. I bet you will be stunned.

Don't confuse this fellow with reality...

His body and mind have been taken over by that extra-terrestrial force, Political Correctness.
A mind like concrete: all mixed up and permanently set.

306 posted on 12/28/2002 9:52:05 AM PST by Publius6961
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To: Wormwood
Asians enroll their kids using anglo names as a courtesy to white parents, so they won't feel so bad when they see the Honor Roll.

Smile.

Asian kids have to endure the stigma of being called "nerd" and "geek" (some of the milder names), which for teenagers, is a fate worse than death. But in the end, they get the last laugh.

High school reunions are fun.

307 posted on 12/28/2002 9:53:15 AM PST by wai-ming
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To: Amelia
Hunting... Pure country folks... Simple lifestyle... hunting... coondogs... fishing... Ozarks (even though I currently live in CO)... hunting... farming... sitting on the front porch visiting... bucking hay, then going down to the river for a swim... hunting...

Read "where the Red Fern Grows" and Summer of the Monkeys" by Wilson Rawls. Although I am only 31 I grew up not a lot different than these books portray. That culture is my culture. I am proud of it.

308 posted on 12/28/2002 9:54:16 AM PST by smoking camels
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To: summer
Like I said, go to an inner city school and let us know what you find out. I bet you will be stunned.

I think there might be some class differences ---around here you only see middle class military black families and they seem to pick those Asian names like Mike, Steven, John, Kelly, Dawn, Karen.

309 posted on 12/28/2002 9:55:18 AM PST by FITZ
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To: crystalk
"Trey" is unforgivable on a birth certificate, but is permissible as a nickname, only if the child is a "three-sticker"=child given the same name as his father AND grandfather...

The last few Treys I've seen have been black kids, and it's been short for Deontrey, Shontray, or similar names.

310 posted on 12/28/2002 9:56:06 AM PST by Amelia
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To: smoking camels
*Whew* Thanks for the explanation. It makes sense.

Here I was guessing you named your son after "Jay Berry Gourmet Pizza" (Issaquah, WA).

311 posted on 12/28/2002 9:56:37 AM PST by Kevin Curry
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To: summer
And imagine being named after sausage like Jimmy Dean was!
312 posted on 12/28/2002 9:58:07 AM PST by Revolting cat!
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To: summer
Given the facts-first orientation of this website, I'm surprised that no one has posted a link to the Social Security website: Most popular baby names.

The 2001 list is here: 2001 list.

Truth may not be stranger than fiction, but it is pretty strange, and it's true! For instance, Destiny was the #22 girl's name for babies born in 2001. And there were 266 girls named Unique.

313 posted on 12/28/2002 9:58:52 AM PST by kalt
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To: Prolix
The White Castle of the South is "Krystal"...founded by some Chattanooga Jews....not Crystal.
314 posted on 12/28/2002 10:00:40 AM PST by wardaddy
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To: summer
I was discussing this thread with my wife over lunch just now, and we had a good laugh coming up with other unique names:

Shake (pronounced sha-KAY), from an orange juice carton.
Phlem
Mylanta (sounds nice, eh?)
Odiferous (but his friends call him "Stinky")

We had a good laugh - thanks!

315 posted on 12/28/2002 10:01:44 AM PST by peteram
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To: Amelia
Oh BTW, after 180 white pioneers were slaughtered in the Alamo, a whole generation of white boys in the South and West were called after those heroes, such as Austin, Crockett, and above all Travis!

I notice that these names have come back in, and not only in Texas.

316 posted on 12/28/2002 10:04:48 AM PST by crystalk
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To: csvset
"For men, anything with Ray included, Billy Ray, Bobby Ray, Raymond Ray, etc."

In the really southern South, "two-name" names are common like something from a John Grishom novel like: Billy-Ray, Bobby-Ray, Jimmy-Ray, Billy-Bob, Jim-Bob, Joe-Bob, Bobby-Lee, Jimmy-Lee...etc.

Also for girls like Roberta-Susan or Bobby-Sue, Lee-Ann, Tammy-Fay, Linda-Lee, Tammy-Sue...etc.

317 posted on 12/28/2002 10:05:50 AM PST by KriegerGeist
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To: Amelia
Madison was a male name 100-150 years ago. I'm not sure why the resurgence as an androgynous name.

Okay, I'll tell y'all how this came about.

As some of you Southern folks may know, it is a very old tradition among many Southerners, as well as in a few old Northern families, to give a child of either sex its mother's maiden name as a Christian name. For example, if John Smith marries Caroline Rivers, their first child is named Rivers Smith no matter what type of genitalia it has. So when you meet a guy name Armistead Lightfoot, if you know anything about history you know whom he's related to and can peg him right away. If you live in Virginia, where everybody is everybody else's cousin and most people are genealogy psychos, you may even be able to figure out how you're related just by his name. You can even strike up a conversation with him by saying, "I think your fourth great-grandfather served in the Seventh Virginia Cavalry, Company A, with my fourth great-grandfather's brother!" It's very convenient.

Now, folks who don't have kin amongst the Lightfoots and Armisteads think this all sounds very classy. They're not proud and content to just be themselves, the best selves they can be, so they try to give their kids more high-falutin' names and maybe make other people think the kid is from a snazzy background. They give their girls names like "Madison" and "Brett" and "Blaine" because they think that sounds upper-class.

P.S.: I think the use of "Madison" came from that TV show Cybill Shepherd was in in the 1980s. The writers gave her that name to make her sound aristocratic.

318 posted on 12/28/2002 10:06:33 AM PST by Capriole
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To: smoking camels
Makes sense. Greenberry is a name used frequently by my ancestors, but I've never heard of Jayberry.
319 posted on 12/28/2002 10:07:31 AM PST by Amelia
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To: snopercod
I went to school with a Seiko... Seiko Igarashi. She's now a doctor.
320 posted on 12/28/2002 10:07:57 AM PST by Maigrey
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