Canuckleheads: Wimps in a world of tough guys

Toronto Sun ^ | 11.12.02 | Gary Dunford

[mhking]

November 12, 2002

Canuckleheads

Wimps in a world of tough guys

By GARY DUNFORD -- Toronto Sun

IRAQAPHOBIA: If the Americans launch a surprise strike on Toronto tonight, blow up the CN Tower and a hockey arena or two, might Canadian politicians blink? Get aboard the War-on-Terror Express? Cheer the next chopper into Baghdad?

"A little invasion is precisely what Canada needs," claims Jonah Goldberg in the new National Review, whose hilarious cover displays four Mounties on horseback and the delightful headline, Wimps! It's right up there with The Sun's own memorable front pages: Bastards! Dink! It's a grabber.

"Canada has responded (in the past) to real threats with courage and conviction," admits the 33-year-old editor of NatReview Online and rising cable news talking head. "If the U.S. were to launch a quick raid, blow up some symbolic but unoccupied structure -- Toronto's CN Tower or an empty hockey stadium -- Canada would re-arm overnight."

Oh, if wishes were horses we could all go campin', little buddy. You want buttermilk pancakes for breakfast? More coffee?

"Canada is quite simply, not a serious country anymore," Goldberg declares. "It (embraces) not just anti-Americanism but also the belief Western nations don't need military might ... If al-Qaida launched a Sept. 11-style attack from Canadian soil, we would have two choices: Ask Canada to take charge, or take charge ourselves."

Call in the Buffalo National Guard! Declare martial law! Especially if it's February and Mayor Mel has our Canadian Forces shovelling snow. Can we still afford shovels? God help us if we have to dig out with sticks.

Right-wing gab

Ignore for a moment that none of the 9/11 terrorists came from beaverland.

But the alarming NatReview cover -- "Canada's whiny and weak anti-Americanism" -- hot on the heels of Pat Buchanan's "Canuckistan" comments on us northern commies? Plus Secretary of Scares John Ashcroft's delightful we-don't-need-your-stinkin'-passports photo op at Niagara Falls last week?

"Heck, Dunf," I hear the chorus, "it's just a few right-wing soldiers blowing smoke." Hello! Did you notice who got control of the U.S. Senate and House last week? And Ashcroft ain't a soldier. He's a general.

Clearly, our neighbours are unhappy. Where do you imagine this stuff comes from? Thin air? Or the never-pink think-tanks George W. and his funsters-in-charge value most? Like Lassie, maybe they're tryin' to tell us something.

"Now don't get me wrong -- I like Canadians," Goldberg scopes. "They are often among the nicest and most decent people you'd ever want to meet. They just don't live in a normal country."

Can I see a show of hands? Amen to that.

Telltale signs to the Yanks that Canada is not a normal country? Goldberg's take ...

• Moral superiority fantasy ... "The Canadians have for a while now taken it upon themselves to be a 'moral superpower,' not a military superpower ... it leads to knee-jerk and cost-free preachiness rather than any attempt at real sacrifices." The idea of Liberals as morally superior to anybody is a stretch, pal. But it is cheap.
  
  
• Apologists ... "Unfortunately, Jean Chretien's Canada believes that any problem can be talked away and that 'Canadian resolve' is defined as 'standing up' to the United States while apologizing for Iraq and the poor, downtrodden peoples who enjoy blowing people up." What Goldberg identifies as purpose -- is it more likely we're just adrift?
  
  Morals lost
  
  
  • Multiculturalism ... "The problem with this (ailment) is that it saps your moral and intellectual self-confidence. If you're unwilling to condemn people, 'Who am I to judge?' eventually becomes 'it is impossible to judge.' This is one reason Canada has lost the ability to put forth a positive moral national vision." Guess Goldberg has never been held captive by hyphenated-nationals. They vote.
    
    
    • Self-obsession ... "This underscores the massive, spine-bending chip the Canadians have on their shoulders ... I was simply staggered by the obsession Canadians have with the United States: About their superiority, about America's problems compared to Canada's, about how Canadians know so much about America but Americans know nothing about Canada." Hey, it fills the long nights between October and March. It takes our minds off gridlock, hydro rates and recycling.
      
      Easy to dismiss Goldberg as the son of Linda Tripp's publisher -- source of Monica Lewinsky's sex escape confessions -- or boss of a small-but-influential political mag's Web presence or yet another of the right-wing's merry pranksters.
      
      Harder by far to consider these hot ideas in George Bush's bubble pot. How did Britain -- an island off a continent 8,000 km away -- become America's best pal? Or the maple syrup marvel next door get on the s--t list as whiner, foot-dragger and suspect? Who screwed that up? Names, please.
      
      Does "wimps" even begin to describe it?

[Blood of Tyrants]

"It (embraces) not just anti-Americanism but also the belief Western nations don't need military might.

They don't have to. They have the U.S. to hide behind.

[LibWhacker]

Canadians know so much about America but Americans know nothing about Canada . . .

If you question them closely, you'll find not even that claim is true. I once had some dumb Newfie try to tell me that France was the world's oldest democracy. The whole country has been dumbed-down and liberalfied. What the NEA wants to accomplish here was accomplished there 20 years ago.

[Grig]

There is a big difference between the Canadian people and the Canadian government. Don't confuse one with the other.

[Edward Watson]

Amen. We Western Canadians absolutely HATE the cursed Eastern Federal Liberals that have taken control over our country.

[Eric in the Ozarks]

Gimme a Molsons...

[Centurion2000]

Amen. We Western Canadians absolutely HATE the cursed Eastern Federal Liberals that have taken control over our country.

Secede and join the US as states ... we need the hunting land :)

[jonascord]

What prevents Sask, Manitoba, Alberta, BC and the NW Territories from seceding from the East? Fear of the Canadian Army? (snigger!) I get the impression that if the Sturgis Bike Run were to take it into thier heads to invade Canada, they could be sitting in Ottawa, dictating terms aboot free gas and medical care for Road Rash, by the end of the week.

[Salgak]

Prairie Provinces or fight! 14 guys with Winnebagos could take tehm from Canada (g)

[MadIvan]

I suppose you lot have heard all about this:

Canada's Plot for World Domination and Socialism

Sitting back to watch the fireworks

Regards, Ivan

[ohioman]

You are so right. Americans need to realize that Eastern Canada is as bad as Kaliforia. However, Western Canada is a cool place (outside of Vancouver).

[Siobhan]

Of course, Western Canada is an idea whose time has come, but the Republic of Alberta may come first.

[battlegearboat]

I always enjoyed Sgt. Preston and Mr. D. DooRight.

[Canadian Outrage]

I too am a born and raised B.C.er - big c Conservative. I and anybody I know has NOTHING, Nothing I tell you in common with what comes out of Ottawa. We despise, hate, resent and resist all things Eastern. My hope is that the Kyoto treaty will be the catalyst that pushes the West into separting. If Ontario doesn't "get it" together this time, because of what Kyoto will do to their Province, then they will be left sucking wind Big Time. If Ontario would smarten up and Not vote in Liberals federally, the entire Country could be turned around. Other than that, the West needs to separate and join the US. We are like two entirely different species anyway. The West from the East that is. It's no different than comparing New Yorkers to Georgians or Mississippians(word?).

[Edward Watson]

Hey! Watch your mouth! *I* live in Vancouver!

Sure, we're a city of potheads, gay pride parades, and have an openly gay MP, but where else are you going to find the most beautiful city in North America, where one can ski the mountains during the morning, windsurf and sunbathe at noon, hike in the afternoon and party in the evening?

Besides, the only real loony place here is the western half of Vancouver, especially the Kitsalano area. Everywhere else is sane - just look at the MPs we elect. Nearly all are Canadian Alliance.

[Edward Watson]

This is precisely what I want but the US government is going to have to extend the invitation in order to galvanise the public mind out here.

[Edward Watson]

Dang it, you're taking my thunder. I want the Canadian West to secede from Canada and join the US. It'll be much better for both the United States and us Western Canucks.

[Edward Watson]

I completely agree. I live in Burnaby. Where are you?

[Canadian Outrage]

Hi Edward, I'm in Kelowna. We aren't far apart huh?

[ohioman]

"I too am a born and raised B.C.er - big c Conservative. I and anybody I know has NOTHING, Nothing I tell you in common with what comes out of Ottawa. We despise, hate, resent and resist all things Eastern. My hope is that the Kyoto treaty will be the catalyst that pushes the West into separting. If Ontario doesn't "get it" together this time, because of what Kyoto will do to their Province, then they will be left sucking wind Big Time. If Ontario would smarten up and Not vote in Liberals federally, the entire Country could be turned around. Other than that, the West needs to separate and join the US. We are like two entirely different species anyway. The West from the East that is. It's no different than comparing New Yorkers to Georgians or Mississippians(word?)."

You are dead opn my friend. How about the U.S trade California for Western Canada, including a state to be named later (i.e., Vermont or Southern Florida).