[tomkow6]

Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that:
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

[SassyMom]

GROAN!!!!!!!!!

[tomkow6]

Random thoughts from my "voices":

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

All good things in moderation ..... including moderation

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

[Alberta's Child]

A guy from the Czech Republic is at the zoo, and for some reason he decides to climb into the lion's cage. The male lion looks at him and ignores him, but the female lion pounces and devours him.

The zookeepers rush to the scene after hearing screams from the horrified onlookers. When they learn that a man has been devoured by one of the lions, they immediately ask which lion it was.

"It was the male lion," one of the onlookers says.

The zookeepers shoot the male lion and cut it open, but find nothing inside. Puzzled, they shoot the female lion and find the remains of the man inside her.

Which just goes to show that you should never trust anyone who tells you that the Czech is in the male.