Posted on 09/22/2002 4:31:01 PM PDT by TomB
********Satire*********
SOUTH BEND, IN - September 21 (AP) The decades-long game of cat and mouse between the University of Notre Dame and the Big Ten Conference took a surprising turn today as Notre Dame was offered and declined the Big Ten football championship. Reading from a prepared statement, Big Ten Conference Commissioner Jim Delaney (of the Ulster Delaneys) indicated that at the close of play on Saturday conference athletic directors met by emergency teleconference and determined that the best path to national respectability would be to award the championship to the Irish, (4-0), who have eliminated half of the top Big Ten teams from serious BCS contention in a fifteen-day period and hold a three-game lead on all other conference schools.
Within two hours, however, the Big Ten's old nemesis delivered a bombshell. Speaking from an undisclosed location where he was meeting with high school players reconsidering prior verbal commitments to Big Ten schools, Notre Dame coach Ty Willingham indicated that the little school from South Bend, Indiana would decline the championship. Shortly thereafter, Athletic Director Kevin White held a formal press conference at which he announced the school's official declination. White expressed "appreciation" and "respect" for the Big Ten, but indicated that the school's Board of Trustees had voted unanimously to decline the honor.
Big Ten officials were stunned at the rejection. They had already dispatched a conference jet to South Bend carrying official emissary Keith Jackson to present the championship trophy. The Hayes Trophy, emblematic of Big Ten football supremacy is named in honor of the fiery Ohio State coach who symbolized the simple, hard-nosed, midwestern values of Big Ten football. The trophy is mounted with a giant Waterford crystal sculpture of the legendary Buckeye mentor rearing back as his withered, balled-up fist lunges toward the throat of an opposing player. The sculpture is mounted on an attractive mahogany base afixed with eleven brass numbers painted scarlet and grey, maize and blue and green and white and ranging from zero to forty-five, symbolizing the graduation rates of players at the various Big Ten institutions.
Off-the-record, Notre Dame officials indicated that they smelled a rat behind the offer. There were indications that legal scholars at the University of Michigan had concocted the Big Ten gambit in the hopes that guileless Notre Dame would accept the championship trophy, thus giving rise to a legal claim of a de facto "gentlemen's agreement" by Notre Dame to join the conference and share its television, bowl and gate revenues with the cash-starved Big Ten athletic departments. When asked about this report at his press conference, White paused and responded with a chuckle, "No dice. . . As usual, we're keepin' every stinking dime for ourselves." Notre Dame has been on guard against potential Big Ten use of the "gentleman's agreement" ploy ever since 1999, when Michigan pulled the quasi-contractual theory out of its voluminous off-the-field playbook in an attempt to stop Notre Dame from playing any games before meeting Michigan in Ann Arbor. Said one Notre Dame official, "There are just so many tremendous gentlemen in the Big Ten that it gets confusing. We have to be careful we're not making agreements with them every time we talk."
Aside from financial concerns, the Notre Dame coaching staff also feared Big Ten affiliation. Members of Willingham's staff indicated that if they were required to load up on games against Big Ten opponents it would limit opportunities to play power teams such as San Jose State, Wake Forest and Cal Berkeley, thus decreasing Notre Dame's strength of schedule and damaging its BCS chances. Said one assistant coach, "You can have your games against Michigan and Purdue, but if you want pollsters to respect you you're going to have to strap it up against the Utah's and Cincinnati's of the world, or else the pollsters are going to penalize you. I think Lloyd Carr spoke for a lot of coaches around the country, when he pointed out that you really need to be concerned about strength of schedule and the BCS."
This latest rebuff of the Big Ten comes three years after Notre Dame declined a formal invitation to join the conference. Sources indicate that at that time certain conditions demanded by the Big Ten undercut the deal. Notre Dame balked at the Big Ten's demand that the famous mural on the University's library be renamed "Touchdown Jalil." Big Ten officials felt that the new nickname, while minimizing Notre Dame's image as a religious school to make it more acceptable in the secular humanist Big Ten, would also make a nod to the multiculturalism so popular at large state schools. Notre Dame's refusal to accomodate by eliminating this sign of Western hegemonism and patriarchy was met with great unease in progressive Big Ten hotbeds like Madison, Wisconsin.
Another sticking point was the previously-undisclosed monetary commitments conference membership entailed. Notre Dame officials were shocked when they discovered the millions of dollars in premiums required of each conference member in order to maintain the term-life insurance policy the conference has taken out on Penn State head coach Joe Paterno. Said one Notre Dame official, "The folks at Minnesota told us that the Paterno insurance payments alone ate up all of their football gate receipts. No wonder none of them make any money."
Reportedly, Notre Dame also balked at the demands that it bring itself more in line with the curriculum of the Big Ten schools. Notre Dame faculty refused to consider implementing a more diverse curriculum including popular Big Ten majors such as Parks and Recreation, Kineseology, Leisure and Tourism, Opening Child-Proof Caps and Breathing.
The Big Ten likewise rejected certain of Notre Dame's requests, including that Northwestern be required to participate in a "play-in" game against Air Force and Duke to retain conference membership and a non-negotiable demand that Michigan State mascot "Sparty" be banned from the conference. Said Rev. Timothy Scully, Executive Vice President of Notre Dame, "Look, our alumni are pretty family-oriented kinds of folks. We really don't want to join a conference where you have this guy who looks like he just left a Greenwich Village Halloween party roaming the sideline. Kids shouldn't have to see that kind of thing."
The rejection of the Hayes Trophy comes in a year that has seen rising tensions between Notre Dame and the conference schools. Conference opinion was sharply critical of the firing earlier this year of former Notre Dame coach Bob Davie who was widely respected as the first Notre Dame coach since 1963 to uncover a talent gap with Michigan State. Notre Dame's unilateral abandonment of Coach Davie's gentleman's agreement with Big Ten schools to avoid using superior determination, discipline and coaching to win close games was seen as an unfair shift of policy by Notre Dame. Conference officials fear Notre Dame's approach represents an unwelcome change in tactics meant to return to the days of the 1980's and early 90's when Lou Holtz -- widely viewed in the Big Ten as ungentlemanly -- compiled a 20-1-1 record against the Big Ten and defeated the conference champion in five straight meetings. In this regard, the Big Ten has made a formal protest that Willingham's promise to "get back to the business of being Notre Dame again" was unnecessarily threatening and inflammatory.
Notre Dame's rejection comes as a setback for the Big Ten in what had been an otherwise auspicious year for conference schools. In June, Purdue retained the title of owner of "The World's Largest Drum" when a Bosnian effort to unseat it failed in a disastrous construction accident. And earlier this month the Ohio State University announced that the percentage of alumni owning shoes had reached an all-time high of eighty-two percent.
In an attempt to ease the Big Ten's again-ruffled feathers, Notre Dame agreed to place the Hayes Trophy on display on campus for a short period as a sign of respect and goodwill. While the University's athletic display cases in the Joyce Center are already at capacity holding national championship, bowl and Heisman trophies as well as game balls from victories over national powers such as Alabama, Texas, Florida State and USC, Notre Dame officials promised to find the trophy a place of honor, probably next to the trophy for last year's Big East women's lacrosse championship.
stupid fingers
Obviously, he is in my prayers.
Keep me updated via Freepmail.
Over ranked as usual? Okay, but not nearly as over ranked as Michigan.
LOL, hey watch it, I'm a former Masshole....
lol, No worries, that's how I refer us as well...part of our unique and diverse culture don'tch know...was I right about you being a gator fan? I totally guessed.
You keep talking about "experts". Who are they, and where can I read what they've said?
What other "experts" are there except other coaches and sportswriters?
OOOh yeah that's right, I reeeally don't think Irish are a threat at alll this season...just wishful thinkin' on my part...;)
Notre Dame in second place.
Amen
You owe me a new keyboard! (Unless you know how to get water out from under the keys)
I swear I never heard that one before.
ROTFLMAO
How convenient.
SOME experts said that the the Irish got LUCKY with all those turn overs.
And I posted a link to FACTS, like ND outgained Texas by 100 yards and almost doubled them up on first downs, that is in addition to commentary in the media guide that states ND "controlled the line of scrimmage, both offensively and defensively".
Do you have ANY credibility remaining on this thread?
I thought it was 6? Well, what is it?
Are you REALLY suggesting that ALL sportswriters, all "experts" said ND should have been champ that year?....
Of course not, but this is what you originally said:
" I do recall the media, and many sports "experts" suggesting that the fumbles were the diffence in the game (where they occured, giving ND easy score position, etc)"
But now that has morphed into an article in SI and your buddy who heard "some commentators" make the charge.
I apologized for having some of the facts wrong...is that not enough for someone like you?
Not if you are going to keep making them. It's like I poke you in the eye, apologize, and then keep poking you in the eye saying, "what's the matter? I already apoligized for poking you in the eye."
Some things I do remember clearly, some I don't..
Hey, you finally got something right!
I didn't appreciate the arrogance horse manure in this article.
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