Iraqi VP: Nation Won't Fall Easily [AP version]

AP | Friday, August 30, 2002 | By JOE PANNOSIAN

[Kenton]

Iraq's vice president said Friday that his country will not fall as easily as Afghanistan did, warning that Iraqis will fight "tooth and nail" against any U.S. invasion.

Well, having seen the teeth of many Iraquis on television, this is indeed a semi-disturbing threat. No telling what kind of diseases you could catch if an Iraqui bit you. For our part, we are real proud of the care we take of our soldiers' dental hygiene, and I guarantee they got good teeth, but we don't usually rely on them for fighting wars with.

But be advised, we're bringing all sorts of neat new stuff that we need to test out, just like that last highly realistic live-fire training excercise we held in your country (you know, the Mother of All Battles, remember?)

Chances are, it will never come down to "tooth and nail", because you probably won't even see a live American serviceman until your country has ceased to exist as a sovereign entity.

In spite of all your bluster, one night soon, all of your electrical circuitry will melt down courtesy of one of our new EMP devices, eliminating air defenses and command and control without firing a shot. Saddam's Republican Guard units won't even hear the "whispering death" raining down on them from our B-52s, their foxholes will just become part of much bigger holes.

We will then set up "surrender booths" where your conscripts can turn in their rifles in exchange for water and MRE's, just like last time. Then we will simply leaflet Baghdad, telling the civilians that Saddam's Republican Guards are no longer around to protect him, and inviting them to leave the city unharmed. Anyone crazy enough to stick around and try to fight it out with the most powerful military force on the face of the earth will be promptly removed from the gene pool using way more force than is necessary.

Hell, we got IFR radar on our Apaches that will spot any snipers even at night, and Hellfire missles that will blow them and whatever rathole they are hiding in to smithereens from 7 miles away!

Then we'll give some scrawny little street kid a carton of Marlboros to show us where Saddam is hiding out, and some of those hyper-motivated SpecOps kids will execute that "regime change" GWB keeps talking about.

I gotta stock up on beer and popcorn for this one, it's gonna be a long night in front of the TV. Ahhh, better be realistic. May be more like two or three nights...

[Uncle Miltie]

Aw, h*ll. Tickle them with a feather and they'll fall over.

The only thing to fear is inaction, or the possibility that we've arrived too late to stop the nukes being lobbed at Tel Aviv.

This is not to say we won't have casualties, or that Saddam won't have dirty tricks yet to play. But the Iraqi mothers will be in the bomb shelters sewing American flags to fly as soon as the old Baathist goons shed their uniforms and shave their mustaches.