Introducing the Houston FRAstros - MLB Replacement Team

21 August 2002 | PetroniDE

[PetroniDE]

On August 30th, unless something along the lines of a labor miracle occurs, the ninth baseball work stoppage in thirty years will occur. Judging by the history of labor strife in baseball, it appears likely that the major league players will walk.

With the Houston Astros in contention for the NL Central title and/or the NL wild-card, it has been decided to form a replacement baseball team in order to protect the chances of the Houston Astros to finally capture post-season glory.

Team members, player profiles, and projected lineups:

XenaLyte will bat leadoff and play CF. She featurs a quick bat and lightning speed. Clearly the biggest base stealing threat on the team.
HoustonCurmudgeon will bat second and play 3B. Strong arm and good contact man.
Bobbyd will bat third and normally play 1B. The closest thing to a five-star ballplayer on the team. Good bat, glove, arm, and baseball sense. Will also play some 3B.
PhiKap bats fourth and normally plays LF. The clean-up hitter. Most powerful bat in the line-up. Will also play some 1B.
Dix bats fifth and normally plays RF. He serves as player-manager, so will he ever order himself to bunt?
Eaker bats sixth and plays SS. Strong arm and terrific baseball sense. Second best base-stealing threat.
TheMom bats seventh and plays 2B. Excellent double-play teammate with Eaker, and blocks the bag well on steal attempts. Never try to steal with TheMom on the field.
Flyer bats eighth and play C. Don't try to run on this man. He will track you down.
This is a NL team. Therefore, the pitcher bats ninth.

Remember the phrase "no pitching - no pennant"? Since you can't win without pitching, the FRAstros made sure that they have the "arms" to get the job done.

Projected starting rotation:

Iamright is the ace of the staff. Overpowering fastball and excellent change-up. Close to the right-handed equivalent of a Randy Johnson.
PetroniDE is the classic complement to Iamright. The only lefthander on the staff is a cross between a 1970's Bill Lee (minus the beard and lefty political views) and Tim Wakefield. Any pitch at anytime from him. Can also play 1B in emergency situations.
Smartaleck is another hard throwing righthander with an excellent breaking pitch.
BurFred is the sinkerballer. Lots of groundballs and not many strikeouts, but very few walks and can always pitch deep into games.
RikaStrom is the fifth starter and long reliever, but don't mess with her. She will knock you down on one pitch and have you talking to yourself after she sends you back to your dugout with a K.

When the starters tire, pitchers are summoned from the bullpen for middle relief, set-up work, and to close the games.

AntiVenom is a "don't mess with me" pitcher with a mean fastball, which serves well during set-up efforts in relief of the finesse pitchers.
OllieMB is the other set-up pitcher, featuring a nasty curve ball and change-up to complement the power pitchers. In emergencies and extra inning games, can play 2B or SS.
Humblegunner is the closer. What better name for a baseball closer than one with the name "gun" in it. When he enters the game with a lead, you can almost book it.

Can't forget the bench. Injury, fatigue, and situation substitutions insure that their services are essential.

Gracey substitutes in the OF for defensive purposes.
DrewsDad substitues in the OF for defensive purposes, and provides a speed boost for the slower base runners.
T-agent is the back-up catcher. No catcher can play every game. A dependable bat and baseball smarts.
BushDude2000 is the utility infielder and the lone switch hitter. Available to substitute at 2B, SS, or 3B. Will serve as a valuable glove man and additional contact bat.

[PetroniDE]

Unfortunately, I have filled the main 25-person roster. However, on September 1st, the roster can expand to 40 and then I can activate you. If someone gets injured during the first two games (August 30 or August 31), I can place them on the DL and activate you sooner.

I will put you down as middle infielder/switch hitter. Welcome to the team.

[bobbyd]

HoustonCurmudgeon will bat second and play 3B. Strong arm and good contact man.

Is there a double meaning to this statement......You wouldn't be thinking...Strong arm tactics....no, never mind.

[E Rocc]

Gaylord Perry - Umpires frisked the KY Kid more often than New York police frisk suspected Mafiosi. But then there was the time Perry bumped into one of his would-be arresting officers in town on an off-day, and the ump told the future Hall of Famer his son pitched in the Little League but the kid's team was usually getting their jocks knocked off, especially when his son was pitching. "Gaylord," said the ump, "would you do me a favour? Would you come with me over to their field and teach my son how you do it?"

When Gaylord Perry wrote his book admitting that he had thrown a spitter, he was pitching for the Indians. He included some tips on how to throw it. I was maybe 12 and started trying to throw it.

He did a personal appearance not long after that I went to. I asked him if I was doing it right and he gave me a couple tips. Some of the adults were annoyed, most amused. The thing is: it worked. I threw one to my brother that he reached up from his catcher's stance to grab. It hit him in the toe.

Too bad I had too little control and even less velocity on my fastball....LOL.

-Eric

[bobbyd]

We wear the Houston Astros uniforms

We'll make a exception!

[bobbyd]

I nominate BluesDuke for skipper...JFK

Dix has been our 'skipper' since the start....betcha he could use some good coaches.

[bobbyd]

I like the idea of real replacement players

Somebody mentioned this at a chapter meeting...

PetroniDE took the idea a little farther....no profit...lots of fun!

[BluesDuke]

I kind of figured out the spitter by accident - I was playing in a camp game one summer and it was wet on the grass, and after a hit the ball was thrown back to me and I noticed a little patch of water and a heavy grass stain on the meat of the hide. I gripped the ball like I did to throw a fastball - thumb and index finger wrapped along the seam curvature - and the water and stain were on the meat between those two fingers when I threw it...and damn if the thing didn't cut down like falling off a ledge. The problem was, you had to have it just right to throw it - because when it didn't break right, it got broken...against or over the fence. I had about a 50/50 rate of success whenever I did get away with throwing it.

I was better when I threw this odd little palm ball I figured out - I'd hold the ball on my palm with my thumb but I'd keep the fingertips off the ball. A coach showed me this technique: when you threw the pitch with that grip, the ball would kind of bounce off the fingertips as long as you didn't break your wrist. You threw it not too hard, a normal motion like throwing a tightly-gripped fast ball, and it moved like the hard one but had nothing much on it. Rotating right, it would con a batter into swinging early on it.

Like you, though, I soon enough had control trouble enough that my future as a pitcher was pretty limited...

[bobbyd]

When do we start talking money?

You wanna play....you gotta pay...how much were you thinking? or how bad ya wanna play?

[bobbyd]

As a fringe benefit, one keg of beer and one keg of diet soda will be stationed at third base.

HEY! 1st base.....HOME dugout....remember?

[PetroniDE]

The kegs are for when we are batting, and a runner reaches 3rd. In the late 1800's, there was a baseball league that ACTUALLY did this.

[bobbyd]

Sure am glad PetroniDE came up with this idea to help us cope with the impending strike!

Me too!.....Way to go 007!

[bobbyd]

On days that I pitch, I will ask that the roof be closed.

You better check with BobbyD.

I'll close it!

[bobbyd]

The kegs are for when we are batting, and a runner reaches 3rd. In the late 1800's, there was a baseball league that ACTUALLY did this.

Yeah, and this league is ACTUALLY going do it too!......Except in the HOME dugout!!!.....lol

[PetroniDE]

nice idea anyway...

[HoustonCurmudgeon]

Is there a double meaning to this statement......You wouldn't be thinking...Strong arm tactics....no, never mind.

Well he could have said strong arm tactics and good contract man!

[PetroniDE]

I think it is time to update the roster of the Houston FRAstros. The starting lineup and typical batting orders need a little tuning, but for now -- this is the official roster. Primary positions are listed first for each name.

POSITION PLAYERS
BobbyD: 1B/3B - Throws Right - Bats Right
BushDude2000: IF - Throws Right - Bats Right
Consultant: IF - Throws Right - Bats Left
Dix: RF - Throws Right - Bats Right
DrewsDad: OF - Throws Right - Bats Right
Eaker: SS - Throws Right - Bats Right
Flyer: C - Throws Right - Bats Right
Gracey: OF - Throws Right - Bats Right
HoustonCurmudgeon: 3B - Throws Right - Bats Right
PhiKap: LF/1B - Throws Right - Bats Right
Slip18: C - Throws Right - Bats Left/Right
StandWatchListen: IF/OF - Throws Right - Bats Right
T-Agent: C - Throws Right - Bats Right
TheMom: 2B - Throws Right - Bats Right
XenaLyte: CF - Throws Right - Bats Right

PITCHERS
AntiVenom: RP - Throws Right - Bats Right
BallandPowder: RP - Throws Left - Bats Left
BurFred - Throws Right - Bats Right
HAP: SP/RP - Throws Right - Bats Right
Humblegunner: RP - Throws Right - Bats Right
IAmRight - Throws Right - Bats Right
OllieMB: RP - Throws Right - Bats Right
PetroniDE: SP - Throws Left - Bats Left
RikaStrom: SP/RP - Throws Right - Bats Right
Smartaleck: SP - Throws Right - Bats Right

CALL UP RESERVE LIST
Dittomom: 2B/SS - Throws Right - Bats Left/Right

[BUSHdude2000]

I demand to renegotiate my contract.

[BallandPowder]

Powder..Patch..Ball FIRE!

TheMom, humblegunner and me in the infield at the same time, is it ok to "carry"? This could really help if we get into a rundown with a twenty year old!

I wonder if they can sew kevlar into baseball uniforms? Don't worry Houston, I won't have many opposition players trying to steal when I'm on the mound.. LOL! I'm enjoying this way to much!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PetroniDE]

That is not my department (darn, sound like government employee). I handle on-field matters. Talk to management about your contract....

[PetroniDE]

I did not list starting/relief for IAmRight and Burfred. They are both starting pitchers.