Could Mr. Right be white? [Black women choosing white men]

Natasha Bailey hears the whispered scorn. She spots the dirty looks on the streets. She listens to the lectures from her friends.

The 23-year-old Bailey is an ebony-hued woman with dreads, a baby doll voice and a love of African culture so strong that she joined a West African rites of passage society.

But she's a traitor to some because she's dating Jason Walker, a 22-year-old white man. How could she, her friends ask, given how white men have treated black people.

"I'm the first one to say, OK, let's look at the history," the Atlanta resident says. "But to take that and put that on a person that's right here and now, I can't do that. That's unfair to that person. I judge them as they come."

Bailey represents a quiet revolution taking place among some black women. For years, they've complained about the shortage of eligible black men. Now they're no longer content to vent on "Oprah." If Mr. Right happens to be white, more are willing to cross the color line.

"I'm not going to sit on a porch in a rocking chair, all alone at 80 years old because of color," says Wanda Dunn, a 37-year-old Stone Mountain Web designer. "I don't see it as a turning away from black men but as expanding my options."

When it comes to interracial dating, people have traditionally focused on the taboo nature of black men dating white women. Yet statistics show that more black women are becoming involved with white men.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of black female/white male marriages remained relatively static between 1960 and 1980, increasing from 26,000 to 27,000. But by 2000, the number had jumped to 80,000.

Images of black women pairing with white men are now common in popular culture as well. Commercials and music videos are full of such couples. Halle Berry recently won an Oscar for her controversial role in "Monster's Ball," a film in which she plays a waitress who becomes involved with a white man. Berry also played the girlfriend of a white man in another film, "Swordfish." And Angela Basset played the girlfriend of Robert De Niro in "The Score."

The reasons driving black women to flip the dating script are varied. Some of it is simple exposure. Social divisions along color lines remain, but they aren't as rigid. Black women find themselves more in contact with white men in school, at the office and in social settings.

Janice Flowers is the Atlanta coordinator with Pre-Dating Events, a national company that schedules mixers for professionals. She says more black women are telling her that they're willing to date white men.

"Because we're so used to seeing them in social situations, it's becoming less of a taboo," she says.

The reason most often cited, though, for the change in dating attitudes is demographics. A disproportionate number of black men are in jail, or are murder victims. One in every 20 black men older than 18 is in prison, the 2000 Human Rights Watch report concluded. Black teenage males are seven times more likely to be murdered than white teenage males, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported.

The result is that black women face a marriage squeeze. According to the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies in Washington, the percentage of black women who are married declined from 62 percent in 1950 to 36 percent in 2000.

Melanie Robinson, 29, says many black men know the numbers favor them so they have less incentive to treat a black woman well.

"They have their options, so they can pick and choose," the Marietta resident says. "I've just found that there is a lack of appreciation of black women in Atlanta. We come a dime a dozen here."

Robinson, who has dated three white men, says they're more romantic and willing to go on dates like walking in the park or visiting a museum.

"I haven't found any black men trying to take me to the museum," she says. "I wish they would make an effort other than, 'Let's go and have a drink' or 'Let's go to the Red Lobster for all-you-can-eat crab legs on Monday.' "

Another complaint about black men involves insecurity. Black beauty-shop conversations ring with the same complaints from black women who say many black men can't handle an independent, professional black woman who often has more formal education than they do.

At least 60 percent of blacks who get awarded college degrees are women, according to the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education.

Flowers, the Atlanta coordinator with Pre-Dating Events, says a black man backed out of a relationship with her after she purchased a home and he learned that she had a college degree, something he had not earned.

"He said I didn't need him," she says. "It blew me away. I never could get him to see that [his lack of a college degree] was not a hindrance to me."

Black men have traditionally shrugged off these criticisms from black women, saying they are too demanding or obsessed with status and money.

"Even though the numbers may be in Atlanta men's favor, that doesn't make black women in Atlanta any less choosy," says Keith Aikens, a 36-year-old single black man. "Men still have to do a lot to prove themselves worthy."

Aikens, of College Park, says he sympathizes with black women who complain black men don't take them on cultural outings, such as to a museum.

"On the other hand," he says, "how many women are suggesting a museum instead of simply giving in and moving on to the next guy?"

Once black women begin dating white men, though, hurdles remain. Many of them are internal.

Some wonder if a white man can really understand them, and the effects of racism. Will they draw a blank stare at the first mention of P-funk, nappy hair and playing the dozens?

Bailey has sifted through those fears with Walker and concluded they're overrated. She's had in-depth discussions about slavery, the light skin vs. dark skin caste system among blacks -- all with Walker, a white man.

"I've dated a lot of black men and they don't understand me, either," says Bailey, who is a published writer and a temp worker. "It's all about what you've read, what you've studied. I've dated people who have no understanding of the Middle Passage, colorism, any sort of understanding of the black experience. And they were black."

Sometimes, Bailey added, the fact that a white man is an outsider can be an asset. Often black men succumb to European ideas of beauty, but not her boyfriend. Once, she says, Walker turned to her while she was reading and said, "Your hair looks so beautiful."

"He pierced through my fears and my issues that have to do with blackness," she says. "From my past dealings with brothers, Jason has been more willing and open to see that I am beautiful as is."

Despite the harassment they sometimes get, Bailey says most people don't give her a problem when she accompanies her boyfriend in public.

"We'll get an occasional nasty look, but for the next two looks we get like that, we get a lot of those, 'Oh, look, a happy couple,' " Bailey says.

Yet Robinson, the Marietta resident, voices a fear that black women often have with dating white men. They wonder if white men's interest in dating is driven by sexual curiosity.

"White guys find us exotic," she says. "They want to know how we [have sex], but they aren't going to take us home."

Bailey, however, doesn't worry about those sexual stereotypes driving her relationship with Walker.

"The gist of it is, if we remove sex, we still work," she says about their relationship.

Walker, a computer programmer, says that dating a black woman has made him more sensitive. He often attends reggae clubs with Bailey where he is the only white person in the room.

"It's different being the odd man out," he says. "Actually, what goes through my mind is, I wonder if that's what it's like for her being on the other side of the table."

Even after black women have taken the big step and married a white man, some still wrestle with a residue of guilt. Nicole Smith, a Los Angeles actress, has been married to a white man since 1999. She and her husband, Geoff Cunningham, made a movie about interracial dating, "Rocky Road."

Smith says her sister threatened to never speak to her again after she heard about the marriage. Now her sister has changed after seeing how well her marriage works.

"My sister said that she dreams of having a relationship like ours," Smith says. "That was huge."

Still, Smith sometimes questions if she's being true to her black identity. "I question how much of a conscious black woman I am," she says. "I always keep that dialogue going."

Bailey doesn't appear to have those questions now. She's in love. She says she's decided that compatibility, not color, is what's ultimately important in her relationship.

"I've always understood that you can love your heritage and live your heritage," she says. "But that doesn't mean you close off the rest of the world, especially when you're dealing with matters of love."

What always seemed odd to me was that I never felt stared at in the U.P. The few times I have felt stared at and outright hostility were during our driving trips, specifically in Oklahoma and southern Illinois.

I do find, though, that if we go to a restaurant twice, the wait staff remembers us the third time!

Hah! And not just at restaurants either, so it's not just that I'm a good tipper! I guess we sort of stand out in a crowd.

Current figures show that 80% of all black women who have children will do so out of wedlock.

What I have frequently wondered is, why don't they have these children by white men, so that their children will score higher on this lightness totem pole that is discussed by posters above, and be a lot easier to manage and more likely to be loyal and support them in their old age...

Instead of by BLACK males, whose children will likely be in jail or otherwise difficult to raise.

Even those women PREFERRING black males, could make an exception for just the once or twice it took to have the children, couldn't they?

she joined a West African rites of passage society.

Does that mean her clitoris has been removed and her vulva sewn closed?

I wonder if the men aren't going where they think a marriage tradition is very weak, and won't feel pressured...

I don't think this argument holds up... after having read many articles about the topic, it seems the number one complaint black men have with black women is that they're too demanding, while a common complaint black women have with black men is that they're not attentive enough. So, if white men don't want to feel "pressured", I don't think hooking up with a black woman would necessarily be the answer... most black women don't want to put up with what they see as a "trifling" man.

re:attentive enough)))

It's not an "attention tradition" I referred to...but a marriage tradition. Wouldn't be surprised if the relationships got started with, "at least she won't expect me to marry her."

Clearly, though, the heart takes over and marriage can happen.

Same complaints white men and women have with each other. Probably Asians too.

The worst was when I took her two daughters to a nice restaurant in Carmel for breakfast. That was a one time deal. The daggers the rich old biddies directed our way really hurt the kids.

My best friend here is an adoptive mom, and her children range from very light skinned Caucasian to very dark Haitian. She told me the other day she was getting really tired of being approached in the grocery store and asked personal questions about her family. She said the last time an older woman started up with "are you a foster mom ..." she just gave her a dirty look and kept going. Any snappy comeback suggestions?? I think maybe she should just start asking her own personal questions. "Is that gray hair real or did you do it on purpose?"

Bailey represents a quiet revolution taking place among some black women...If Mr. Right happens to be white, more are willing to cross the color line.

Juxtapose this statement against 10,000 years of Humankind's future development and you have the destiny of all races.

A melding of color. Man's future is not Black or White or Yellow or green or purple. It is monotoned. If this trend continues and grows.

Ha, when I filled out my 2000 census form, I listed my race as "Other: Human"

Me, too. And I do that on every idiot form I come across, which mostly means government forms. I've been doing it for years; it drives my wife nuts (she's a real "follow-the-rules" type).

I heartily recommend this to all. Take the statistics out of the statists hands; they just use them to divide We, The People.

Thanks for the ping summer- I've scanned this thread once already. I've dated White men but at this time of life would prefer to date/marry Black men, though there are always White men around that I find attractive.

Instead of by BLACK males, whose children will likely be in jail or otherwise difficult to raise.

This ignorant, inaccurate statement is one reason why some Black women would never date White men.

she joined a West African rites of passage society.

Does that mean her clitoris has been removed and her vulva sewn closed?

Most African cultures don't do this- you're stereotyping.

it drives my wife nuts

My wife didn't really approve of it, but that was because she's interested in genealogy, and the census results can be quite useful to geneologists. Since she had researched her own genealogy, she was able to list every ethnic group she had discovered to be a part of her heritage (hint: it wasn't all African.)

From my neck of the woods, watching some fellers who have a thing for the dainty dolls around campus...they're plenty high maint. Supply and demand, you know. The guys don't seem to mind...I guess there's not enough to go around unless you import your own.

Ignore the idiots. Marry as you will, white, black, otherwise.

Marry whom you wish to marry.

But, remember the old saying; "Marry in haste, repent at leisure".

But, remember the old saying; "Marry in haste, repent at leisure".

You bet- that's always been good advice.

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