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A 'Marriage Strike' Emerges As Men Decide Not To Risk Loss
The Philadelphia Inquirer ^ | July 5, 2002 | Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson

Posted on 07/06/2002 5:00:19 AM PDT by buccaneer81

A 'marriage strike' emerges as men decide not to risk loss

By Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson

Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."

However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.

"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.

"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."

Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."

It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.

While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.

Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.

Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.

Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.

As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.

He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.

He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.

"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."

Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: donutwatch
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To: SouthernFreebird
If the girl is not happily 'giving it up' she is not doing her duty as a wife. Period.

Its not the only thing involved in marriage by any means, but its a BIG factor.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught:

"Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love."

....

Sexual relations in marriage are not unrestrained. Even though sex can be an important and satisfactory part of married life, we must remember that life is not designed just for sex. Even marriage does not make proper certain extremes in sexual indulgence.

.....

This man also went on to say that "sex is the #1 cause of all divorces"

241 posted on 07/06/2002 10:13:34 AM PDT by maui_hawaii
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To: SouthernFreebird
I think alot of the problem is men think that supporting their children and equal sharing of assets is being Raped.

In two of the three cases I was thinking of, the wife divorced him so she could move in with her boyfriend. In the third case she divorced him after she had spent him into bankruptcy

242 posted on 07/06/2002 10:14:19 AM PDT by SauronOfMordor
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To: buccaneer81
you're correct ... and so it the article ... unfortunately, this really spells the end of a normal society ... all this legislation has painted the USA into a corner in which its traditional family cannot survive ... I worked on a software development team in 95-96 at one company (as an example) ... myself, 4 other programmers and one manager ... of the 6, 5 were/had been married ... of the 5, 3 were divorced and were paying alimony ... and had the kids issue to boot ... 4 years later, the manager's wife ups and leaves him after 19 years of marriage ... he was "lucky" ... didn't cost him a lot of cash but he did become a 14 percent dad which tore him up (and continues to) ... he's dealing with it ...
243 posted on 07/06/2002 10:17:42 AM PDT by Bobby777
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To: SauronOfMordor; SouthernFreebird
In two of the three cases I was thinking of, the wife divorced him so she could move in with her boyfriend

That's what happened to me. I could write a book. She snatched my son and I pay $940 a month to her and the boyfriend. Life is good!

244 posted on 07/06/2002 10:18:02 AM PDT by buccaneer81
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To: Tennessee_Bob
Yeah - I'm the long-lost, proverbial "nice guy." So where are all the women that are looking for nice guys? They're hanging out with the bad baboons.

You make some very good points here. I have a theory and I've seen it confirmed again and again.

Women like bad guys. The badder the better. But, this simple fact is complicated by a very crucial caveat -- They like bad guys they can control.

But, there's a problem here. The type-A, bloodthirsty killer type with the seven-figure net worth and annual income, the big house, the big cars, and the vacation homes in Maui and Cancun don't lend themselves to being led around by the 21st century version of Sheena of the Jungle. They've achieved what they've achieved because they're the latter-day meat-eaters of the contemporary world.

Such men take what they want. And the woman who sinks her claws into such a guy is not the center of his universe, she's just another asset in his world, the trophy wife.

So, she can't call the shots in the marriage. That leaves family court. Nothing like the long arm of the law castrating the Alpha male she couldn't hog tie herself. Even juicier if there are 2.3 kids along the way to sink the hook even deeper.

It's better than being "taken" by Bill Clinton.

245 posted on 07/06/2002 10:18:10 AM PDT by Euro-American Scum
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To: SouthernFreebird
President Spencer W. Kimball stated, "If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are reasons. Generally, sex is the first; they did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason."
246 posted on 07/06/2002 10:18:30 AM PDT by maui_hawaii
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To: edstet
You are quite right. I could be paying her a healthy CS monthly and still contribute 20K or so per year to a trust for my daughters (by her) for them to use for college or "getting started in life" stuff. Now, I've learned. All my business is done under family trusts of the lifetime irrevocable variety of which my children will be the first to have a chance at the principle one day after age 30. My Wife#2 has a fat life insurance policy to take care of her. I want my fruits forthwith to be there to provide for her and all my children and if we're lucky to even help my grandchildren after my demise. To risk all of that in another marriage should I become single again through some sort of tragedy is simply not an option. My current wife's father is a 76 year old widower and nearly all the 60 something year old women chasing him like high school girls are only after his pensions and assets.
247 posted on 07/06/2002 10:18:41 AM PDT by wardaddy
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To: Dark Mirage
Like I said, I just wonder why all the women aren't already dead in a purified and perfect world consisting only of men.

ONce we perfect cloning and those robodolls, things will be much better. ;^)

248 posted on 07/06/2002 10:20:05 AM PDT by meyer
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To: Smokin' Joe
The early warning signs of marital incompatibility

You forgot a big one: what is her relationship with her father? If she doesn't think her father walks on water, beware. If she says her father was a jerk, or a drunkard, or any other sort of miscreant, head for the hills immediately and do not look back. You will never do better than her father.

249 posted on 07/06/2002 10:20:17 AM PDT by Nick Danger
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To: Tennessee_Bob
Betcha if you 38 yrs. old divorced, had custody of your nine yr old daughter, and owned your own business, and was pulling down a couple of hundred grand a year , they would be plenty interested!!!
250 posted on 07/06/2002 10:20:20 AM PDT by TJFLSTRAT
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To: Tennessee_Bob
What I always found laughable was the young women at school that were dating some absolute a##holes - guys that were verbally and physically abusive, guys that were dating more than one woman - and making a point of letting everyone know - and the women complaining about it. If he's so bad, why stick with him? And the answer, almost every time, would be "Oh, I know he'll change," or "well, there's no one else."

it's not just true in your area only ... it's an amazing process to watch ... unbelievable ...
251 posted on 07/06/2002 10:20:25 AM PDT by Bobby777
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To: TJFLSTRAT
LOL! I'll bet your absolutely correct. In fact, I'll guarantee you're correct. There was a woman that I went out with about four times - until she found out that (at that time) I was working part-time as a student worker for a $7.50 an hour. Suddenly, she didn't return calls or answer the phone anymore.
252 posted on 07/06/2002 10:22:12 AM PDT by Tennessee_Bob
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To: Dark Mirage
Come on! what man in his right mind would want some liberal "Femmeroid" to give birth to his offspring!
253 posted on 07/06/2002 10:23:00 AM PDT by TJFLSTRAT
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To: Nick Danger
If she says her father was a jerk, or a drunkard, or any other sort of miscreant, head for the hills immediately and do not look back. You will never do better than her father.

That's my ex to a tee. Plus, she idolizes her mother who is a bitter man-hating woman.

254 posted on 07/06/2002 10:24:25 AM PDT by buccaneer81
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To: SauronOfMordor
Geez, I guess I am naive or I hang out with the wrong crowd cause I don't know anywhere near the number of immoral, screw around women who cheat,do drugs and abuse their children and husbands in their quest to humping everything in sight and stealing a good mans money as this thread claims. What do you guys do cruise the prision grounds or red light district looking for a wife?
255 posted on 07/06/2002 10:25:59 AM PDT by SouthernFreebird
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To: SouthernFreebird
Nah - we live in the real world.
256 posted on 07/06/2002 10:29:37 AM PDT by Tennessee_Bob
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To: SouthernFreebird
The "Rape" is about how middle and upper middle class men lose their kids almost always unless the wife is incredibly unstable or in prison..LOL. We pay large child support totally unaccounted for sometimes to women who don't need it. Also, why should we have to liquidate everything to give our ex-wife 50% of everything? Rape is perhaps too strong an analogy but in the middle class strata, all things being equal, the leverage is in the woman's court. It simply is. I speak from experience and observance. Now amongst lower economic classes and particularly what we call white trash down here, I've seen many women basically dumped with the whole package by shiftless men who never cared whether they had their children or not. The men simply create a mess and leave it behind to go create another one. This is also undeniably endemic in the lower black classes. Now we all know the stereotype about the middle aged doctor who dumps his wife of 25 years unceremoniously for the young nurse and indeed it does happen but believe me if the middle aged doc wishes to have a newer model wife, he will almost certainly pay handsomely for that privilege. The news media is rife with stories about how much wealthy older men must shell out to the last wife on a trade-in whther there are minority aged children involved or not.
257 posted on 07/06/2002 10:30:58 AM PDT by wardaddy
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To: Tennessee_Bob
Heard a comedian one time explaining that "sex for money is cheaper than sex for free."

They found actor Michael Douglas on the list of clients of that "Hollywood Madam" they busted a few years ago. Some reporter asked him why, since he could have his pick of any starlet in Hollywood, he would ever pay for sex. He said, "I don't pay them to have sex. I pay them to leave afterwards."

258 posted on 07/06/2002 10:31:01 AM PDT by Nick Danger
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To: buccaneer81
If she says her father was a jerk, or a drunkard, or any other sort of miscreant,...... That's my ex to a tee. Plus, she idolizes her mother who is a bitter man-hating woman.

woman married to a drunkard man ends up bitter man-hater....... hmmmmmmmmm go figure

259 posted on 07/06/2002 10:32:48 AM PDT by SouthernFreebird
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To: Dark Mirage
Just because we tell horror stories does not mean we are axe murderers.

I am happy to say that I am happily married now... I have always enjoyed the company of a good woman, when such was available, and have conducted myself responsibly.

It is a pity that so many decent folks on both sides of the gender line fall victim to the unscrupulous and/or irresponsible nature of others. I am sure that there are horror shows on both sides.

But if marriage, as an institution, or as a relationship is to survive, both sides need to avoid the polarization the feminazis and hardcore mysoginists would inflict on the population.

This benefits no one except "sympthetic" lesbians ond homosexuals who have their own agenda in severing ties between the sexes and breaking down traditional families and values.

Each case should be taken on a case-by-case basis, but without the gender bias found to date in the courts. There are signs that this may be waning, but it is too early to say.

Clean the slate, take out the trash, and remember the lessons learned. Don't pass on hatred, or you, and everyone around you loses.

If I have failed to follow my own advice, my apologies to all.

260 posted on 07/06/2002 10:32:52 AM PDT by Smokin' Joe
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