The parent with whom the child lives requires a bigger and costlier home to house the child, provides the meals, clothing, utilities on a full time basis. It would be ludicrous to cut back on child support because a child spends a weekend with the non-custodial parent.
Our child's father paid $100 dollars a month. I picked up the insurance, paid most of all medical costs, and never got to see her except during the school week. He spent every holiday, every spring break, most of every summer and nearly every weekend with her; I even had to transport her back and forth to the place of his choosing. I did this because he kept threating to go to court to get custody, and at the time I couldn't afford a lawyer. I was still scared of him, and as long as he was good to our child, I didn't want to make him mad, because when he got mad things got dangerous.
I met a new love, got married, and we settled into a happy family mode - except that my daughter had no vacations, no extra time with us. It all started to unravel when she asked to be allowed to attend a karate tournament in which she was entered to compete; "Daddy" refused, telling her that was "his" time and she needed to come down to "his" house - and I was supposed to bring her, or we'd all go to court. She dropped out of the tournament because she was afraid I'd go to jail, since "Daddy" said he put me there for contempt of court unless she complied. She never did go to a tournament.
It finally ended two years later when she asked her father to get professional help for his problems. He withdrew her savings account she opened with him (nearly a thousand dollars) and sent it to her through Child Support to "close out" his "payments" when she was thirteen years old.
All told, he spent less on a life time with his only daughter than he did on his truck. Meanwhile, her incredible stepfather (who has been raising her since she was nine) has taken it on himself to put her through college, even though he makes less than her biological father does.
I am saddened that the man who gave my daughter life never saw her as anything more than a possession. But I thank God every day that a good man stepped up to the plate and showed her how a real father treats his children; not as possessions, not as a liabilities, but as precious investments for the future. In more ways than one, both these men got what they paid for - one man got a reciept from the county saying "paid in full", the other man got a daughter...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, will not be fixed an our lifetimes. The government agencies that collect that money tack on an extra 2 or 3% onto every payment that is made. That comes to about $450 million that goes back into the system. And that's not counting the $4 billion in direct funding that the feds send the states each and every year to feed the divorce and support machinery. The federal funding that they receive is based on the amount of support that they collect. Any state that did what was fair and right regarding this hidden alimony would be cutting off their own cash supply. Follow the money and you'll see exactly why things are as they are and what forces benefit from things staying this way.
After the divorce my ex-wife and I shared the responsibilities of raising our son. Although at times she would leave my son with me for extended amounts of time. Sometimes we never knew when she would be back. It was of no real concern to us because my son and I got along just fine.
One time my son had not been to his mom’s house for almost a year. She would call every now and again, and my son would call her. We both knew she was involved in a relationship with this guy my son rather not be around anyway. So everything was fine with us.
Then one day she shows up. She took my son and immediately filed suit for a years back child support. Which I had not paid since she left my son with me. The court gave her a free lawyer again and dragged me into court.
The judge had no interest in the circumstances. He said that you pay her what you owe or go to jail. He said, you want the order changed, you come back to him. That required a layer, which I could not afford. They would not even begin such a process without $1,500 retainer and another $1,000 at the end.
There is more. When my ex-wife took my son, after having virtually abandoning him, and started this action against me, my son found out. He was very upset and let her know. She then commenced to beating the tar out of him. When I saw him a couple of days later he had a bruise that went from his eye to his chin, amongst others. The school had not even asked him about it or contacted me.
Well at that point this was no longer about money. I knew I had to get custody of my son. So I informed the police and CPS about the assault. In short, the CPS sought to protect her from me using this against her in the custody suit. The police could not do anything but go and talk to her and write a report. Although I could tell there heart was in it. They wanted to help more, but could not. The CPS woman made it clear she was not there to protect the child, but to simply process him. She said, if I did not like it, she would take the child from both of us and put him in foster care, until the matter was processed. I took it as a threat. These people are not your friends. They are bureaucrats with a Liberal agenda.
So then I went to court. I knew the judge was already hostile towards “men like me”, the assumption being in his mind that I was a deadbeat. So the judge told me I had to pay the back child support or go to jail. I told him that I had only the money, which I borrowed, to pursue the custody suit. That I needed to protect my son, and if this required me to go to jail, then so be it. The lawyer looked at me kinda surprised, and the judge perplexed. Then the judge called me over for a sidebar. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’m giving 2 weeks to prove what you have been saying. I’m going to order I psyche evaluation for you, your ex-wife and your son”. This is what I wanted. This third party could determine the truth and testify to it in court. When the court knew the truth, I knew I would prevail.
So I went to this social worker, then so did my son. We told her the truth about everything. My ex-wife, missed all three of her appointments. She knew that the story the social worker would tell in court would make it a cinch for me to get custody and child support from her.
The judge, upon hearing this, said if she did not go, she would be in contempt of court and she would go to jail.
Knowing this, I contacted her. I told her to meet me at my lawyer’s office, or go to jail. We agreed on me getting full custody. She would pay me an amount in child support calculated to his eighteenth birthday that equaled the amount I owed her. For this debt cannot be waived, it had to be settled.
Ever since that day, when I, in effect, took my wife’s gun from my head, the gun that the state had provided her, we have gotten along fine. That was ten years ago. My son just graduated from a private school. The first two years I paid for, the last year my ex paid for.
Looking back on all of that now, I can see that the court provided a battleground for my ex-wife and I. One in which they armed her to the teeth, and I was at a definite disadvantage. And the right and wrong of the situation was not considered until one was willing to put his freedom on the line.
I owe a debt of gratitude to the United Way Social Worker and that Judge who was willing to hear the truth. There still is justice in America. You just have to work a little harder for it I suppose.
Within a few months, Child Protective Services had found my ex unfit and sent the kids back to me, but the "deadbeat dad" label had been put on my case even though I had never missed a payment and even paid 150% for the first 3 years of the divorce. For over three years I had to constantly fight to stay out of jail although I was in compliance with all court orders and had never been found in contempt, but had only been ordered to paid arrearages, which I had immediately done. After a call to my congressman, I was finally able to get the collection agency to clear my account. Even so, as of now, although the boys live with me, the court order says my ex has custody and I still pay child support which she uses to spend on her crack addicted boy friend. This is justice in the modern American divorce court. Buy your kids if you're the husband and can afford it. Otherwise, you are just a slave on the selling block, your kids vanishing off to some other man's plantation; your labor stolen to support some other man.