Time Mag: Making Time for a Baby

Time Magazine ^ | Nancy Gibb

[pettifogger]

Making Time for a Baby

For years, women have been told they could wait until 40 or later to have babies. But a new book argues thats way too late

By Nancy Gibbs

Listen to a successful woman discuss her failure to bear a child, and the grief comes in layers of bitterness and regret. This was supposed to be the easy part, right? Not like getting into Harvard. Not like making partner. The baby was to be Mother Nature's gift. Anyone can do it; high school dropouts stroll through the mall with their babies in a Snugli. What can be so hard, especially for a Mistress of the Universe, with modern medical science devoted to resetting the biological clock? "I remember sitting in the clinic waiting room," recalls a woman who ran the infertility marathon, "and a woman-she was in her mid-40s and had tried everything to get pregnant-told me that one of the doctors had glanced at her chart and said, 'What are you doing here? You are wasting your time.' It was so cruel. She was holding out for that one last glimpse of hope. How horrible was it to shoot that hope down?"

[Bigg Red]

After all, that's a career unto itself.

Amen, Sister! Women like you give me hope for Gen X & Y.

[A Ruckus of Dogs]

The statistics on women under 35 who have never had children are staggering.....wasn't it 50%?

It's the distribution you have to consider, not the 'fifty percent' number. Under 35 probably means 15-35. Most of the women who have never had children probably fall into the age 20-25 category.

[LoisHunt]

agreed. Its all whining. If they'd had babies in their 20's, they'd be whining about the careers they missed out on. Men whine about plenty, too. We all whine. Disraeli used to start small talk by asking people, "Hows the old complaint?" knowing every had something.

[wardaddy]

We "have it all" darling???

We work as much as it takes to provide a good life for our families. We don't expect to be "validated" for it every hour or so? We grow up knowing this is what we will do and just deal with it. We don't work to "prove ourselves" or "be stimulated" or "do something meaningful".

And we love every second of having a family.(at least I do). But this can all be taken away from us at the drop of a hat and we get to pay for that wonderful experience as the disgruntled wife leaves with the children. Does not matter one bit whose fault it is AND

Then we usually die 7-10 years earlier than our wives after having worked forever to insure that they will survive comforatbaly and that our children and grandchildren if possible will have "a leg up" in life.

I have witnessed women waiting too late since the early 80s when I lived in Manhattan and all the late 30s boomer chicks were absolutely freaking about having a family. A woman should look to starting her family by age 30 at the latest if she wants a large one and if she does want a large family, she will have to forgo "fulfillment in business"...whatever that means...for a decade or so. Unless she is very very lucky....but then the children will suffer. It is simply not the best of both worlds when both parents are gone away to work all the time.

[wardaddy]

I was ambivalent about abortion before I became a parent the first time at 29. I understand this in folks even though I don't like it. I cannot understand mothers who are pro-abortion. It completely escapes me.

[wardaddy]

and that childless 50% you're talking about are precisely the women who ought to be the one's having children......the irresponsible ones are having them like hamsters.

[gimmemymuffler]

I wonder how many of these women are now regretting the abortion they had in their twenties, when having a child was too inconvenient.

[olivia3boys]

I know what you are saying, but I have found raising children to be amazingly cheap (so far). I have a 3yr old and 5 yr old--breastfeeding was free, I get nice clothes for them from consignment stores, and they really haven't made much of a dent in the food budget at all. (I know that will change!) The biggest expense was that I cut my salary in half to go P/T, but I have no daycare expenses as I am blessed to have a mother and MIL who watch my children 7 hrs/wk each. We did move into a slightly bigger house when our second was born too, but it's not like each kid NEEDS their own room. I keep waiting for raising kids to get "expensive" like everyone warns, and I guess that will be college. But by then we will be in our late 40s and we've been saving for it.

[reformed_dem]

Gen Xer here. Had my first child at 22, second at 25. The early years were a struggle, but we made it with lots of scrimping (and eating with the folks!). Now, things couldn't be better - a stay-at-home mom totally involved with the kids' school and their activities. It is possible.

[Wolfie]

Speaking as a male, I'd hate to look like Tony Randall with his youngest.

[Okies love Dubya 2]

Actually, one income can support a middle-class existence, if you are willing to forgo brand-new cars in the driveway every other year and a fancy home.

My husband and I are both 29, and bought our first home 18 months ago (after his 9 years with the Navy). We didn't buy the most expensive house we can afford--we bought the one that needs some cosmetic work but is comfortable to live in. We bought a second car (new, but our other is 9 years old), we don't go out a lot, we are planning on homeschooling our kids, we live pretty well but not extravagantly (and we have savings too!), and we are not starving. And we do it on one income!

My husband makes a pretty good middle-class wage, and I am sure that we could have more things if I worked, and our home improvements could get done faster, but I have an almost 4-year-old and one on the way. I have worked outside the home, and it did not bring much extra income into the house, and we had miserable lives and not much time as a family. Is our home life perfect? Of course not--but our overall quality of living sure is better with one of us home during the day. I do the cleaning and the cooking and the laundry and all that goes with the territory of staying at home with the kids, but my husband helps out (he's in school as well, so he really has to be a superdadddy) when I really need it.

I am so p***** off at the NOW nags for telling women that they aren't anything without a career, and kids can come whenever, and even then, why should they have to quit working when the baby comes...just dump them in daycare at six weeks so they can be fulfilled at work!

Is being a one-income family always easy? No! Is it worth forgoing some things to know you're doing the most important job there is? Of course!

[Bigg Red]

Yes, indeed, it can be done. God bless you, RD. We need more of this for our children. Unfortunately, there are a lot of selfish parents out there who think providing a child with a raft of material goods is more important than providing him with time, attention, and guidance.

[wardaddy]

I have a neighbor wife/mother who is really a sweet Southern girl but who has her one 2 year old demure little girl at mother's day out 2 days a week, with either in-laws or her parents for 2 more days each week. That only leaves her with the child for 3 non-working days per week. Yes I know quite well...toddlers are indeed work...big work. Anyhow on those 3 days she's usually at the Y with the girl in the nursery while she plays tennis. On Sunday, her husband does most of the "mommy work".....and yet just the other night at dinner she complained about needing to do something more "meaningful" with her life. I about barfed. My wife pinched me and gave me those "warning eyes" to not say anything controversial. I simply do not understand why so many young women (she's 35) who really have it "all" have to complain because they're not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or curing cancer. It's self absorption beyond a level we're accustomed to. Many single or abandoned women have to go it all alone and struggle and I think they whine less.

[Calico Cat]

I had my son at 26, my daughter at 34 and now (at 36) am thinking about having another. My husband and I know that we have a finite amount of time. Mother Nature intended for women to be younger when they have children because, face it, the woman is probably going to be the primary, long-term caregiver and needs to be around for the 18 years or so it takes to get the little ones out of the nest and into the world to fend for themselves. If a woman of 45 has a newborn, she's going to be near retirement age by the time her child graduates from high school. Also, little children take a lot of care, and you should be relatively young and healthy to keep up with them. Sorry, girls, it's the way it is. It's not politics, it's nature.

[moyden]

The feminist is a bitter thug.

[wardaddy]

I'll be raising children till I'm a seasoned citizen God willing...it's worth it. I sowed a lot of wild oats in my 20s. I don't miss it at all....I absolutely love domestic life.

[xsrdx]

" By the way, when you see that flabby 30-something chasing around a pre-schooler and 10-mo-old, I'm that kids' MOM!"

Would it make a difference to you if she was thin?

That would be self-deprecation Hil- she's the flabby mom. Read it again.

[wardaddy]

Sage words....never forget that aside from the practical room you'll need for the family that houses are primarily a life style when it comes to how much to spend or where to live. Rarely are they a great investment either....I know ..I know. In the Bay Area or some other place where houses spike from time to time are the exception but usually don't count on your house to be a "money maker".

[Harrison Bergeron]

"After all, men have "had it all" for years."

True enough. We've had it all. We've had the duty and privilege of fighting and dying for our country. We unstop the sewers, hell, we built the sewers. We change the tires, we climb the poles during storms to keep the phones and electricity working. We'll run into a burning building and carry you down a ladder if need be - even if you're 4'0" and weigh 300 lbs. We invented the machines that enabled "the enlightened age of feminism," but we'll still move the rocks from the field, with the strength of our own backs, if that's all we have left to use. We work to support our families, then we come home and work some more. If we're lucky, we have a woman next to us who appreciates us and understands that we need her ever bit as much as she needs us. If we're unlucky, we end up with some smart@ss broad whining about how "men have it all."