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Washington Redskins Change Name to Cherry Blossoms
CONSERVATIVEHUMOR.NET ^ | February 25, 2002 | Frederick Kiel

Posted on 02/26/2002 6:00:55 AM PST by spartagroup

Pro Football's Big Game, 2003

The Washington Cherry Blossoms vs. the Baltimore Lilacs

Most Popular Chant: "You'll Fade, You'll Go Limp and You'll Fall Down!"

by Frederick Kiel

It wasn't the pressure to get rid of nicknames allegedly derogatory to Native Americans that forced the National Football League to change most of its monikers before the 2003 season began, no, no, no. The Washington Redskins could have gone on forever dodging the arrows from those whiners.

The final blow came from the animal rights activists.

"The butchery we saw in the sports pages convinced us we had to act," said Petula Pitchfork, chair person of the Plebeians for the Asinine Treatment of Animals (PATA). 'Monday after Monday, we would read about the Bears getting 'skinned,' of Eagles being 'blown out of the sky,' the Dolphins getting 'beached,' of Jaguars being 'declawed,' the Colts getting 'tripped up,' which can break their legs, and all kinds of horrific deeds committed against Rams, Cardinals, Ravens, and so many other innocent animals. We know that such writing reflected very deep hostility within little beasty boys and coarsened the overall culture."

The public yawned when the council-wide government of greater Washington demanded that the Redskins change its name in order not to offend Native Americans back in January of 2002, but once the PATA protestors clogged up stadium entrances, the owners felt they had to act to "protect the integrity of the game," their pocketbooks being the farthest thought from their minds.

PATA received the consulting contract to devise a new name for any NFL team that violated the sensibilities of animal rightists, feminists and minorities.

"As much as possible, we have tried to come up with new images that would retain the traditional team colors," Ms. Pitchfork says proudly. "That is why that although we dropped the obnoxiously aggressive "Ravens" from Baltimore, we were able to keep them in their traditional purple by recasting them as the 'Lilacs.’ It was an entirely different matter with the Washington Redskins, however. Their old colors of burgundy and gold just reeked of rank American aggressive imperialism -- 'burgundy' conjures up the notion of bloated beef-eaters, after-dinner cigars and expensive wines that the coupon-clipping rich enjoy, while the 'gold' obviously glows with the wealth that these plunderers have ripped away from the Native Americans whose name they also stole. No, a nice quiet pastel pink and off-white, cherry blossoms once they have lost their early bloom, are much better colors for this Washington team."

Other new team names quickly fell into place.

Indianapolis will no longer mistreat young horses and have become the Indianapolis Lettermans named in honor of Dave, the state’s most famous (only famous?) resident.

No more dolphins will be sacrificed in South Florida as fans can now cheer the Miami Mambos.

The Seattle "Seahawks" was an entirely inappropriate nickname for a laid-back Northwest franchise owned by Paul Allen, co-founder of Micosoft.

"Latte-sipping fans now enjoy clapping politely for the Seattle Micro-Softies, says Ms. Pitchfork. "The team also accepted our ‘proposal’ to ban beer sales and to prohibit shouted fan insults against opposing teams, which so damaged the self-esteem of visiting players."

The St. Louis Rams have now become the Lou-ee Lambs. "Of course, once we looked at this team, we insisted that it needed not only a new nickname, but the city’s designation itself had to be updated. I mean, how in 21st century America can we name a city after a supposed ‘saint.’ Hello, separation of church and state, anyone? We accepted a new animal name because they are just too cute to ignore."

The Lou-ee Lambs have also begun to use their Vision Mega-screens to call on the customers not to make too much noise during games inside the once raucous domed stadium.

"Do you realize that fans once shouted and stomped their feet loudly when the opposing team went on offense on purpose to disrupt and confuse the quarterback, and make it impossible for his teammates to hear his signals," Ms. Pitchfork says in shock. "Don’t you think such aggressiveness carried over to everyday life?"

The San Francisco Forty-niners are triply politically incorrect, celebrating the white gold-lust invasion of California that destroyed the burgeoning Hispanic civilization as signified by Zorro, and the Native American culture as well. Their new name was obvious, once PATA looked around. San Fran was also anointed after an alleged "saint," so PATA had to adjust the city appellation as well.

"Who is the most dynamic person to come out of the northern California "anything goes, make-no-judgement" culture in the last decade?" Ms. Pitchfork asks. "It obviously is John Walker Lindh, who gave up his cushy lifestyle to fight for Afghanistan. The fact that the Talibans opposed imperialist American policy trumphs the way they treated women, in our view. So, we have the new team, the Franchesca Talibans, with their sexy helmets modeled to look exactly like the black turbans the Talibans wore, with molded-plastic folds and all."

PATA has also ended the annoying habit of having fighter jet "fly-overs" of NFL stadiums during big games just as the Star Spangled Banner is finishing.

"Instead, we want to parachute in homeless cats and dogs that fans will have to adopt in order to keep their season tickets," says Ms. Pitchfork.

The Cincinnati Bengals commemorate an endangered species and so must lose their name. PATA didn't like the fact that the city itself was named after a stout Roman warrior, but given the status of current American public education, with students not even comprehending their own nation's history, much less ancient times, PATA felt it could ignore that little insult. So, welcome to the Cincinnati Bo-Jangles, named after a politically correct singer.

The Buffalo Bills celebrate both the animal revered by Native Americans and "Buffalo Bill Cody," the European invader who slaughtered so many of them. They have been renamed, of course, the Far North Snow Plows

. The Dallas Cowboys have had a lot of support to become the Dallas Cowgirls, at least among NFL fans that PATA queried in the Washington DC area, but that term is offensive to many. They have instead been recast as the (b>Dallas Eye’m Sorrys, in order to allow their fans to forever atone for the past deeds of their cowboy ancestors.

The New Orleans Saints also violate the constitutional separation of church and football, which is just as much an unwritten part of our basic document as is the invisible separation of church and state. They have become the New Orleans Hondurans, to celebrate the largest minority group in the city.

The New York Giants make vertically challenged people feel bad, so they have been renamed the New York Jerks, to commemorate what most Americans feel about residents of the city, pre 9-11.

"We had to make some popular calls so as not to infuriate the nation," says Ms. Pitchfork. The similarly arrogant Tennessee Titans, meanwhile, have become the Tennessee Tots, "because it is all about the children," according to PATA.

The Arizona Cardinals have become the Desert Dikes.

The Kansas City Chiefs have become the Kansas City Fruitarians. "This is not some sort of slap against their sexual orientation, despite what Oakland Raider fans say," avows Ms. Pitchfork, "but instead celebrates the diet we think should become federal law, punishable by death for violators. It is only fitting that a team from Kansas City, notorious for the slabs of slaughtered beef they consume and memorialize in their city lore, should be converted to celebrate the only sane diet that we ‘fruitarians’ believe humans should be allowed to eat -- only plant foods that can be harvested without killing the plant. This means that all Americans should be forced by law onto a diet that consists of raw fruit, grains and nuts. That slanderous picture that had me entering a McDonald’s last month was doctored."

The Denver Broncos must also atone for their decades of lording it other cultures with their aggressive cowboy-downhill-skiiing image and will now be the Denver Bozos.

The news brought sighs of relief to many players.

Darryl Green, the future hall of fame Cherry Blossom cornerback, now makes a stunning admission. For years, TV cameras have captured players from both teams who congregated after games in the middle of a field, to go to their knees in a circle, hold hands and bow their heads reverentially. Viewers thought they were holding prayer sessions, but that wasn't their reason for post-game truces at all.

"We were always getting together to discuss the best flowers and plants to bloom each season, the best seeds that could grow in various climates," says Green. "That’s why we were always staring down at the grass, examining local conditions."

Green chuckles about his future plans, now that he has announced that he will retire in 10 years: "Couldn’t the people tell from my surname? Obviously, I plan to open a chain of "Green’s Greener Greenhouses" across the Washington area. We hope to become the world’s leader in cherry blossom sales. Heck, I should sell a lot of lilacs in my Maryland stores for sure."

VISIT http://conservativehumor.net FOR MORE SATIRE AND HUMOR

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TOPICS: Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
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1 posted on 02/26/2002 6:00:55 AM PST by spartagroup
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To: spartagroup
I do believe I've just hurt myself.
2 posted on 02/26/2002 6:15:49 AM PST by Valin
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To: Valin
Actually, before last year, the Washington Redskins were thinking of changing their name to the "Washington Possums".

That's because they get killed on the road and play dead at home!

3 posted on 02/26/2002 7:31:42 AM PST by History is truth
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To: History is truth
So why didn't they make the change? Sounds about right. :-)
4 posted on 02/26/2002 7:43:29 AM PST by Valin
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To: spartagroup
Hail to the Blossoms...
5 posted on 02/26/2002 7:48:29 AM PST by Semper Paratus
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To: Semper Paratus
The rugby team i played for in sicily was Zagara (orange blossom)
6 posted on 02/26/2002 8:19:34 AM PST by Docbarleypop
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