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Goody Brown

In Salem, Massachusetts, back in sixteen ninety-two,
There lived the widow Goody Brown in peace, without ado.

Next door to her lived Adam Smith, a bachelor and young.
One day she went to visit him, at this wagged every tongue.

"Promiscuous extravagance," her chief detractor said.
"It could just be platonic love," opined a cooler head.

"Perhaps pragmatic cover-up," suggested one old coot,
"For she’s a narcissistic one, and odious to boot."

They sent a delegation that resembled the police,
Who in pedantic paraphrase said visits had to cease.

"At mention of his name," they said, "her heart did palpitate.
"Recalcitrant old witch," said some, whose hearts were filled with hate.

The judge, in peroration masking casuistic lie,
Announced to Salem’s pious folks that Goody Brown must die.

This fairest of coquettes.
...believe her not!
Or trust her to your...sorrow

You see what we have here Gran – It is worse than I imagined Mistress Goody was in love and was put to death before it was consummated. That puts in her in the Wilis mien or worst. She wanders now to wreak vengeance upon the people of the earth.

Think what could happen now is she is rejected once again. By incantation, charms, and conjuring, other abominable superstitions and sortileges bring ruin upon us, cause to perish herds of animals of every kind, orchards, hinder men for begetting and women from conceiving, grapes wither on the vine, and frogs would sit in our throats. It is an assault upon freedom, democracy and the American way. No wine, women or song. No mothers and apple pie, and the quarter pounder would disappear from the land. .

But your good Capt'n has conceived of a way to rid us of these terroristic threats. It will require great sacrifice to turn things on their head. But your brave Capt'n has determined to sacrifice his body to take the wench to bed.

I know what you must be thinking my inebriated wench – why should your Captain be so selfless and make such a sacrifice. Consider dearest the material we have at hand – I will not mention names - but thinkest thou that any of my crew could carry out a mission of such delicacy and danger, or even has the cunning and the wherewithal. I see you laugh and blow bubble through your nose – you have your answer there. .

It is my solemn duty as Captain of this ship to protect all the souls that sail in her. Thus I must gird up my loins and, once more unto the breech I say, once more to send the earth bound spirit of this Goody wench, by magik of my own, to soar on the wings of doves, to the very gates of Paradise and free us from her thrall. .

If I should die in this endeavor – think only this of me; there is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England. And carve upon my stone the likeness of a dove to signify I died for love……..of England, for all mankind, plagiarism, and the American way.

Don't stand there gawking girl – give out the AC your Capt'n Sa' is grievous sick and like to die ,not by you hand I hope, and you are taking a collection for the wreath and beer.

There is a profit to be made. .

Listen up you lazy louts,
there's witchery afoot..

There's a wench that's called Miss Goody,
and she has that "Special Look..".

Our dearest Capt'n, brave and true,
his honor to us pledged,

agreed to bed Miss Goody,
to save our worthless heads.

This darling of the seven seas,
may even save the world...

but, in his quest he just might fail,
and lose his earthly pale..

If this the case, you motley crew,
we must fulfull his plea...

And bury him for England,
and in his blessed sea...

So, empty all your pockets,
and give to me your geld..

I'll put it twixt my comely breasts,
and in safety t'will be held..