Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!
via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dixie; thesouth
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-20 ... 361-380381-400401-420 ... 501-515 next last
To: ROCKLOBSTER
VIAGRA?????

NO NEED for that here, I pity the poor bastards that do need it though lol, that would sort of suck......

381 posted on 01/14/2002 7:06:08 PM PST by 4TheFlag
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 376 | View Replies]

To: nopardons
Dear Madame Nopardons

I apologise for saying TR was a New Englander. I did not say his first wife was from the South I said his mother was from the South. I knew he was first elected as police commissioner, congressman, and he also served as secretary of the Navy.

I was not being condescending. I was trying to point out that even Southerners are not as xenophobic as some people make us out to be.

I have answered your reply without the vitriol and confrontative manners which you so like to display to prove to the forum that you are obviously so intellectually superior to anyone who cares to differ with you.

382 posted on 01/14/2002 7:07:07 PM PST by gusfortyfiveseventy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 273 | View Replies]

To: 4TheFlag,ROCKLOBSTER,All
"Tonk, maybe some magic here Brother???"


Stop in and help support our military, their families and Vets!
Come on by and meet some very Patriotic FReepers.
See great graphics and posts and have a few laughs along the way.

New Thread Every Day!

383 posted on 01/14/2002 7:10:02 PM PST by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 379 | View Replies]

Comment #384 Removed by Moderator

Comment #385 Removed by Moderator

To: 68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub
Thank you Brother.....
386 posted on 01/14/2002 7:12:54 PM PST by 4TheFlag
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 383 | View Replies]

To: 4TheFlag
Anytime for you, my Brother!
387 posted on 01/14/2002 7:18:43 PM PST by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 386 | View Replies]

To: sweetliberty
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.


How true! I'm a recent transplant from NYC to northern Florida and just recently pointed out to my grandson the "lil'ol snake" on the road.

388 posted on 01/14/2002 7:20:24 PM PST by Beach_Babe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 87 | View Replies]

To: ConfederateMissouri
You are so right sir ! I salute you for coming to the defense of a poor southern boy who was just trying to make a point.

Chivalry is not dead it just moved further away from Massachussets.

We might need to check and see if pretzels come from Massachussets.LOL

389 posted on 01/14/2002 7:24:43 PM PST by gusfortyfiveseventy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 320 | View Replies]

To: nopardons;Twodees
Dear should we send C cell batteries to you. You do sound stressed.
390 posted on 01/14/2002 7:31:41 PM PST by SeeRushToldU_So
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 184 | View Replies]

To: gusfortyfiveseventy
"Chivalry is not dead it just moved further away from Massachussets"

Well, I haven't set foot in the state of Massachusetts since I was 16, but I have shor' nuff seen some of the life forms that have crawled out of there. I gotta say it doesn't do a whole lot to make me want to visit there again.

391 posted on 01/14/2002 7:33:45 PM PST by sweetliberty
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 389 | View Replies]

To: 4TheFlag
HEY, ever try SCRAPPLE????

I loved Park's Scrapple back in NYC...can't find it in Florida.

392 posted on 01/14/2002 7:46:11 PM PST by Beach_Babe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 168 | View Replies]

To: sweetliberty
Didnt mike dukakis come from mass? Didnt he vote to impeach Richard Nixon?

He did not want him to have Nopardon!ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

393 posted on 01/14/2002 7:46:50 PM PST by gusfortyfiveseventy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 391 | View Replies]

To: gusfortyfiveseventy;SeeRushToldU_So
LOL! Probably needs to get some of that cold metal out of her undergarments before going outside in them nasty northern winters. That can make a woman downright cranky!
394 posted on 01/14/2002 7:52:06 PM PST by sweetliberty
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 393 | View Replies]

To: Beach_Babe
Can't find it in Florida

BB, REJOICE, THANK Whomever, that stuff is NASTY, IMHO, how can YOU eat it????????

395 posted on 01/14/2002 7:53:04 PM PST by 4TheFlag
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 392 | View Replies]

To: DixieChik
This is funny. Enjoy.
396 posted on 01/14/2002 8:28:37 PM PST by Jen
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 395 | View Replies]

To: 4TheFlag
I've been eating Scrapple for close to half a century...love it, especially with french toast for breakfast...with lots of maple syrup over everything.

I've noticed that pork is king down here. Just this past wekend my neighbor slaughtered one of his pigs and my son-in-law smoked it over an oak fire...umm, delicious. But I miss some "northern" foods also: a roast leg of lamb with mint jelly, gyros, kinshes, and egg creams...just to name a few.

Anyone have a good opposum recipe? They've been picking off my chickens one by one and I'm about to get my revenge.

397 posted on 01/14/2002 8:47:34 PM PST by Beach_Babe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 395 | View Replies]

To: Beach_Babe
wekend = weekend
kinshes = knishes
opposum = possum


It's getting late and I can't type correctly...time to say good-night.
398 posted on 01/14/2002 8:59:30 PM PST by Beach_Babe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 397 | View Replies]

To: Beach_Babe
Another "southern" joke:

A small, rural Arkansas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

399 posted on 01/14/2002 9:17:36 PM PST by sweetliberty
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 398 | View Replies]

To: Beach_Babe
I've been STAYING AWAY, from Scrapple for darn near half a Century now, LOL, WOW, you are funny!
400 posted on 01/14/2002 11:28:54 PM PST by 4TheFlag
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 397 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-20 ... 361-380381-400401-420 ... 501-515 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson