1. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
3. Where there's a will ... I want to be on it.
4. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
5. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.
7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
9. Be nice to your kids. They will pick out your nursing home.
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential Election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate, nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. It was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice-fishing competition seemed the fairest way to settle things. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present since both men were to be sent out on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. Bush returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone as sumed Al is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd date George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al Gore and says; "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I'm a gonna dress this good ole' Southern Boy, James Carville, as a jackass (now some folks say this wouldn't be too hard to do) and send him out to the lake to act as a spy."
The next night after George W. comes back with 50 fish and Al Gore with none, Bill gets Carville and Al Gore together and says to Carville: "Well, what about it boy, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"