Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

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[SAMWolf]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

• Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[facedown]

Cats have no handles.

This is one of the funniest pieces I've read in awhile!

As a long-time cat owner (?) trying to sucker our guys into carriers for the trip to the vet is always a challenge.

[facedown]

Yang, yang, yang.

[cavtrooper21]

Isn't amazing how good articles never die, they just get rediscovered? Just noticed that the last posts before ours were over 2 years ago.
Suppose we ought to tell SAMWolf that he has a classic...:)

[js1138]

[BunnySlippers]

•

[SAMWolf]

LOL! This thread keeps on popping up every once in a while. I still get a good laugh out of it.

[Alylonee]

Check this out!

http://www.mycathatesyou.com/cats.asp

[snippy_about_it]

This is hysterical. Thanks.

[bk1000]

They come from the land of ice and snow..
They are your Overloards....

[firebrand]

funny cat thread

[Prof Engineer]

bttt

[Publius6961]

BUMP

[Servant of the 9]

Put about a foot of warm soapy water in the tub. Turn on the shower.
Open the drain so the tub will empty in a few minutes.
Close the glass shower doors.
Gently slam dunk the cat over the top of the shower doors into the foot of soapy water.
After the soapy water has drained and the shower has rinsed the cat, turn off the shower by pushing the valve with a yardstick.
Slam dunk a very old towel over the shower doors.
In attampting to kill it, the cat will dry himself.

Leave the shower doors for someone else to open.

So9

[Tabi Katz]

I agree - my cat is the sweetest, most loving creature on earth, not to mention beautiful. Why all the feline-phobia here?

[Tabi Katz]

Thanks. I feel like I've just been taken through basic training! Luckily, my cat is an indoor kitty so I've never had to fight that nasty battle.

[jonsie]

I have never bathe my cats because I am afraid of being killed. However, this are 3 big fat white cats who do not clean their posterior area and it is nasty. Do you have any suggestions? The mother is feral where are the two others are not. I have tried moisten pads but that still hiss and are ready to strike. I have resisted having them knocked out just to get them clean.

[firebrand]

Hilarious

[sweetliberty]

These kitty threads are so much fun!

Why You Should Suspect Your Cat Has Your Email Password

• E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
• Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
• You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
• Your web browser has a new home page < http://www.feline.com >.
• Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
• Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
• Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
• You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
• On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
• Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post

[mewzilla]

LOL. I had a cat named Toad that used to love to be bathed and blow dried afterwards. He looked like a seedy dandelion when I was done.

[OMalley]

Omigosh, that was too funny LMAO

When I was about 10, I decided to give my cat a bath.

I filled the tub and picked her up under her belly and as I bent over to put her in the water she flipped around in a nano second, strattling my face with all four paws (I still have the scars along my hair line).

she hung there from my face until my mom could remove me away from the tub full of water.

I love cats, but I will never bathe another kitty again;)