Redneck Engineering Exam:
1. Which of the following cars will rust out the
quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac
GTO.
2. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at
2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to
be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres
in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
3. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on
24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The
span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the
porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
4. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of
land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The
man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a
mobile home on the man’s land?
5. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45
mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on
secondary roads, what are the chances that it will
strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
6. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
7. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of
7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a
Country-western singer?
SEND ANSWERS TO YOUR WIFE OR SISTER...(PROBABLY SAME PERSON)
1. The Chevy man. Fairlanes never rust and the GTO has so much paint on it the rust can’t find a toehold.
2. How much Bud you got?
3. None, they got too much sense to hang around rough wood.
4. Them and their exes.
5. Depends on how many Chevrolets are in the front yard of the house they finally pull up into.
6. None, rednecks work when they are on shift. The cigs will be lit during the breaks.
7. The next day. Everyone in a town like that is a country-western singer. The real question is who can actually play an instrument.
I take exception to your last statement. Once the girl is married she is no longer your sister.
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.
It's his lucky day as they just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. 'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'
The redneck promptly answers, 'That thar's a white pine , 383 board feet of lumber in 'er.'
The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.
This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
'That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet.'
The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, 'And what about that one?'
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says,'White oak, 242 board feet at best'
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office, a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.
As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'see that tree over there,?' I want you to mark an "x" on the front of that tree!! '
The foreman thinks to himself, 'idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?'
When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white "x" on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
'That thar's the front', the redneck says. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'
The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz somebody took a shit behind it!'