I am wondering how much violence we might avoid if we went back to teaching social skills in school. I am 63 and when I hit the grade where they started teaching what they called deportment, it was cancelled to add some more math and reading skills. Deportment, they said, should be taught at home. This was probably 1964.
I mention this because I went to visit a man who has been doing work for me. He’s a combat vet with the names and ranks of his deceased friends tattooed on his arm where he can read them. So, a nice guy but zero social skills. I took his complete lack of social skills as a one-off. At his house, sitting in the room was another vet and friend from the gym. There was no talking to me. No acknowledge of my presence in the sense of rising to shake my hand or give me their name. I introduced myself and shook hands around. They seemed startled by responded well.
When it came time to leave, the other vet said, as if to the air, “I’m going.” He motioned to the gym guy and there was some body language nods all around, not including me, but no gracious spoken words. My host did have a conversation at that point inviting them back. I couldn’t call it gracious and could easily have penned it onto the back of a postage stamp. But it was grateful for the visit, in nature. I stood and shook hands and told them it was a pleasure meeting the two of them.
Here’s why I wrote this. Their body language, which was there and gone in a flash, was a mix of startle and relief. The gym guy dredged up a brief smile. They shook hands with me. I really think there were three very nice men in that room. Two had come to visit a guy laid low by surgery, but there was little conversation and the host never turned the TV off, but instead continued to watch it with occasional three word conversational snippets.
I thought how much violence between men is really just a failure to communicate verbally? I was cutting the vines off a fence at a rental unit. The vines originated on the other owner’s property. The other owner often came home in the back of a sheriff’s car and his conversations, I was warned, revolved around people dissing him. (He had a prominent tattoo saying, “diss me and I’ll kill you.” I took that the same way I’d view the diamond pattern and broad head on a shake. He came storming over with his fists clenched and I thought, uh-oh, alpha male issue I’m peeing on his property. I threw on a broad smile, extended my hand and said, “Hey, my name is Bern. Nice to meet you.” His whole expression and ready-to-fight stance dissolved instantly. We shook hands and had a nice conversation. Confrontation turned into valuable relationship instantly through one act of graciousness.
Can’t we just teach this in school? You meet somebody, stand up. Look them in the eye. Extend your hand. Smile. Introduce yourself. How hard can that be? How much Common Core will they miss in the time it takes to teach that?
For those who are interested, I know from my older sisters that deportment included the proper way to set a table, greet guests, hold a conversation, visit the sick, eat at formal dinners, write thank you notes...and I’m sure that was just a bit of it. I’d happily give up the other social teachings at school if they just taught how to be polite.
It’s often been said that etiquette is simply the art of making others feel comfortable.
When you’re concentrated on that, it’s hard to be consumed with your own hurt feelings.
For those who are interested, I know from my older sisters that deportment included the proper way to set a table, greet guests, hold a conversation, visit the sick, eat at formal dinners, write thank you notes...and I’m sure that was just a bit of it. I’d happily give up the other social teachings at school if they just taught how to be polite.
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Great insight and idea. Too bad teaching it would be called racist.
I just read a book by Scott Adams. He has a little chapter on how to strike up a conversation. He considers it one of the important skills to be successful in life.
Interesting post. I’d assume that a lot of low income father-less families could be helped by this. Of course, it could be attacked as ‘acting white’.