Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Centers For Disease Control Announces Long-Sought 100% Cure For Insomnia!
satire

Posted on 01/12/2016 8:56:09 PM PST by The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

Atlanta, Georgia, January 12, 2016 (Disassociated Press)

Tonight in Atlanta, Sigmund P. Snarls, M.D., Medical Director of the Centers for Disease Control announced a breakthrough in the 17 year fight to find a cure for insomnia. Dr. Snarls said “we have been working very hard for almost 2 decades to fight the disease of insomnia that robs so many Americans of their normal way of life.” “Although we have spent all these years and almost $4 billion of taxpayer’s money looking for a cure for insomnia, we never realized it but the cure was right there under our noses for all this time.”

“Actually, it was my son Franklin who showed me the way to the cure. He is a very active 15-year-old and I’m never able to get him to go to bed before midnight or one in the morning. He just wants to stay up all night. But I noticed, within 15 minutes of Pres. Obama beginning his State of the Union Address, that Franklin was sound asleep.

I then called around to some friends, including some colleagues from the Centers for Disease Control and found they had experienced the same thing in their own living rooms. In many cases it took six or seven rings for the telephone to answer, as the people I was calling were already fast asleep in front of their television. The president was blathering on, in some cases in stereo on a 72 inch screen, but everyone was fast asleep.”

The Centers for Disease Control will be requesting an additional $2.3 billion grant from taxpayers in order to obtain DVD copies of Pres. Obama’s speech. These will be distributed free of charge to each insomnia victim. Prior to the implementation of Obamacare, people had to pay $2.75 each to get one, but of course now, under Obama, everything is free.


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons; Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS:
Ya never know.
1 posted on 01/12/2016 8:56:09 PM PST by The All Knowing All Seeing Oz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

LOL


2 posted on 01/12/2016 8:59:05 PM PST by The Ghost of FReepers Past (Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light..... Isaiah 5:20)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz
And maybe the first show of this spine tickling stem-winder:


3 posted on 01/12/2016 8:59:24 PM PST by Slyfox (Ted Cruz does not need the presidency - the presidency needs Ted Cruz)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

Might work!


4 posted on 01/12/2016 8:59:58 PM PST by Vendome (Don't take life so seriously-you won't live through it anyway - "Enjoy Yourself" ala Louis Prima)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

I don’t know. Listening to whining, aggrieved community organizer kind of puts me on edge. Like nails on a chalk-board.


5 posted on 01/12/2016 9:00:00 PM PST by PGR88
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The Ghost of FReepers Past

Tnx


6 posted on 01/12/2016 9:00:18 PM PST by The All Knowing All Seeing Oz (I carry a handgun because even a small police officer is too big and heavy to carry.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

A teaspoon of raw honey before bed works a lot better.


7 posted on 01/12/2016 9:01:16 PM PST by stars & stripes forever (Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord. - Psalm 33:12)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

HOW can anyone sleep while VOMITING???? ;)


8 posted on 01/12/2016 9:05:56 PM PST by Frank_2001
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: stars & stripes forever

At my age otc melatonin works great.


9 posted on 01/12/2016 9:06:22 PM PST by doc1019 (Cruz)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

Check your son again, doc. He may be in a coma.


10 posted on 01/12/2016 9:37:00 PM PST by TigersEye (This is the age of the death of reason and rule of law. Prepare!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: doc1019

I heard that has side effects though, I stick with rum every other day which is the only time I can get my brain to shut off. It’s not unusual for me to try sleeping for 3 or 4 hours and just give up and get up. But then the next day I drink copious amounts and off to lala land.
Tonight I’ll probably be up all night yet again.
I heard sometimes melatonin causes head aches of which I haven’t had for decades and don’t plan for any now.


11 posted on 01/12/2016 10:10:10 PM PST by Undecided 2012
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

I have terrible insomnia but all the speech gave me was a headache. I don’t think he even wanted to give the speech— it was all over the place. He needs to just leave now.


12 posted on 01/12/2016 10:18:52 PM PST by MacMattico
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

That may seem interesting or even funny; but there’s an even better way to fall asleep.

First, look through your Bible and find all the scriptures on peace, peaceful, sleep, etc. You will be very surprised at how many you find.

2nd, you write down all the scriptures.

3rd, you read all the scriptures EVERY NIGHT when you’re ready to settle in for the night.

It may seem like magic, but GOD wants us to have a peaceful night’s sleep.

And .. the best part of this is .. you no longer have to listen to the propaganda of Obama; which you will actually hear anyway, even if you think you’re asleep. Don’t feed your mind and heart with propaganda.


13 posted on 01/12/2016 10:22:49 PM PST by CyberAnt ("The fields are white unto Harvest")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

That is the exact impact his speech had on me!!!

Too funny.


14 posted on 01/12/2016 10:31:08 PM PST by tired&retired (Blessings)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

I’ve known of the cure for decades.

Take something written by the CDC out and read it.

You’ll be out in five minutes.


15 posted on 01/12/2016 10:57:14 PM PST by DoughtyOne ((It's beginning to look like "Morning in America" again. Comment on YouTube under Trump Free Ride.))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz
The cure is simple. Don't worry about it.
16 posted on 01/12/2016 11:00:46 PM PST by Domangart
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

I’m not into torturing myself. I rather get the gentler treatment for Insomnia. That is to watch Youtube videos on massages, you will be amazed how much that helps you go to sleep.


17 posted on 01/12/2016 11:53:15 PM PST by Patriot Babe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: The All Knowing All Seeing Oz

Obama State of the Union.


18 posted on 01/13/2016 12:12:19 AM PST by stocksthatgoup (Once elected who can make the best deals with Congress?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: stars & stripes forever

WebMD says bananas work wonders for sleep.


19 posted on 01/13/2016 5:18:13 AM PST by Does so (Europeans had better start "overstaying their visas" in the USA. ==8-O)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson