"... and b) women that get treated like possessions>"
Gee. Too bad we can't cite examples..... {;^)
Posted on 02/07/2015 9:37:08 PM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
Polygamy is often seen as the end of a happy marriage, but it need not be that at all. Take it from me, I’m a happily married first wife and I’m friend with my co-wife, Masha’ Allah; in fact she’s sitting in the same room while I’m typing this. Polygamy can work if the husband and both or all wives go about it in the right way.
I have heard many horror stories about polygamy gone very wrong, and in all those cases, at least one person in the marriage was not following the Qur’an and Sunnah, usually the husband. Polygamy requires us to adhere to everything that Allah has taught us about marriage, and to follow the example of Muhammad and his wives.
This is the foundation upon which any marriage, monogamous or polygamous, is built, but with polygamy, it’s even more critical. Without this foundation, it isn’t going to succeed. While polygamy is frequently seen as benefiting the husband to the detriment of the wives, the reality is that it’s far more difficult for the husband. He has to not only fulfill the rights of both wives and support both families financially and emotionally, he has to juggle his time between them, settle any disputes and difficulties that arise, and all the while ensure that he’s being just and fair.
The penalty for him failing to treat his wives equally is being raised up on the day of Judgment with half his body paralyzed. The Qur’an strongly warns men that if they can’t be just between their wives, they are truly better off with only one. For men that take Islam seriously, polygamy is a huge and weighty responsibility and it’s an arduous task to get it right.
Meanwhile, each wife has no more responsibility than a monogamously married wife, and in some cases (e.g. where the wives choose to share accommodation) they can end up with a lot less responsibility than monogamous wives, as they share the running of the household and help each other out with the children.
Sharing love
One of the biggest fears women have of polygamy comes from a misunderstanding about the nature of love. Love is seen as something finite which has to be shared between people, so if a man takes a second wife, it’s assumed that he must love his first wife less because of it. The truth is that love is infinite and does not need to be shared between people. Just as when a mother has a second child she still loves her first child as much as ever, when a man takes a second wife he still loves his first wife just as much.
Good Muslim men who choose polygamy do so because they truly want to love and protect two or more women. If he really didn’t love the first, divorcing her then remarrying is a much easier option for him both financially and emotionally than having two wives.
Sharing time
What you share in polygamy is your husband’s time. Whether spending less time with your husband is a goodthing or a bad thing depends on your outlook. Of course, it’s natural to want to spend plenty of time with people you love, but we also need time for ourselves.
On the days when he’s with his other wife, there is no benefit in sitting around missing him. Instead, treat it as a time for you, and a chance to enjoy things that married women find it hard to make time for.
On your nights with him, you have a husband to share your bed with; on the other nights you get the whole bed to yourself and can snuggle up with a good book and have some “me time”. Plan your evenings when you’re not with him to do things that you enjoy, so you look forward to your evenings without him as much as your evenings with him.
Co-wife rivalry
Try not to see your co-wife as a rival. Instead, try to focus on strengthening your relationship with your husband. If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, then it’s only natural that you’d see the other wife as a threat. If you are sure of your relationship with your husband, then ask yourself why you feel threatened, and remind yourself of what you have.
If your husband is going to love you and stand by you no matter what, then what can she take from you? A useful piece of advice I heard from a brother is “the insecurity of the first wife is that the second wife is her replacement and he doesn’t love her any more. The insecurity of the second wife is that the first wife is his first love and he’ll never love her as much as he loves his first.” This reminds us that the other wife has her own doubts, and to see clearly what we have instead. Look at why your husband loves you and try not to dwell on what he may or may not feel about her.
No love triangles in Islam
Focus on your relationship with your husband as a single entity, disconnected from his other marriage. Islamic polygamy is not a triangular relationship; his marriage with you and his marriage with your co-wife are two separate relationships. You are not obliged to have anything to do with your co-wife, but if the two of you choose to be friends, then that’s a third and discrete relationship. This means when you’re with him, the two of you need to act like the other wife doesn’t exist.
Enjoy your time with your husband and do all the same things a monogamous couple would do together. If you are friends with your co-wife, don’t discuss your husband when you’re together, and spend time with her when he’s not around.
Tackling jealousy
Jealousy is best tackled by focusing on what you have. “Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own,” (anon). If you feel jealous about anything, ask yourself if it’s over something that you really want, or whether you desire it simply because your co-wife has it. If it’s the latter, then try to forget about it and remind yourself that you don’t actually want it. If it’s something you really want, then focus on how you can get it for yourself because you would like it, not because she has it. If it’s the relationship you’re jealous of, concentrate on building your own relationship with your husband as though she’s not in the picture.
If you feel that he loves her more than you, then maybe he isn’t giving you enough attention or affection, and frame this as a problem in your own relationship that you need to talk to him about and resolve, rather than as a problem with your co-wife. These things won’t eliminate jealousy altogether, but they should minimize it. Remember that even ‘A’isha had times when she was jealous of Muhammad’s other wives, and even broke a plate because of it.
When things go wrong
If your husband is not dividing up his time fairly, or not fulfilling your rights in Islam then he is the guilty party so don’t blame your co-wife for this. This applies whether it’s something minor or very serious. Speak to him about the problem and tell him how you feel.
If he’s a good husband, he’ll do something to rectify the situation. If he doesn’t and you’re having significant problems in your marriage because of it, then you need to go about dealing with it in the same way you would if you were monogamously married.
Marriages fail either because one partner is not fulfilling the rights of the other (or worse, abusing the other), or because the two partners are not compatible. This is the same in monogamy and polygamy. Relationships fail sometimes in spite of one or both partners putting in their best efforts, and that’s why divorce is halal.
Sometimes men try to fix a failing monogamous marriage by taking a second wife – in my opinion this is like trying to put out a fire in the living room by starting another fire in the kitchen. Other men want all the benefits of polygamy but refuse to accept any of the responsibility and end up treating their wives very badly. There are some situations where staying in a marriage is not in anyone’s best interests. If you find yourself in such a situation, then you do need to know when to call it a day.
An important thing to remember is not to blame polygamy itself for the marriage failure. The failure is due to incompatibility, or one partner systematically failing to fulfill their responsibilities to the other. Polygamy, when done according to the Qur’an and Sunnah can work and indeed be beneficial to the wives, and it’s my opinion that it doesn’t need to be feared.
We should fear Allah, and be good spouses to each other. We should remember to show our husbands our appreciation of them and all that they do for us, and they need to do the same for us. This is the key to a happy marriage, whether polygamous or monogamous. Insha Allah, by following the advice above, this happiness can be maintained in a polygamous marriage, despite the specific challenges this type of relationship may bring.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
This is singular, not plural.
Isaac and Rebecca.
That’s correct.
Abraham and Sarah both created the one problem where Hagar was concerned, by not believing God.
Jacob ended up with four wives and quite a bit of heartache before he could spiritually overcome. (Not sure if this is where Mahomet pilfered the idea for his “four wives” rule.)
but then again, there were Abraham, David, Jacob and Moses...
(as for me, one is plenty challenging enough! No advocacy here for plural marriage...)
ps: sorry we forgot to mention Solomon!
The left wing mass media is already promoting polygamy...
http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/15/opinion/hardy-plural-marriage/
Why? Because guys would go "Yeah, right, good luck with that" while (some) women would apparently go "Co-wife? Yeah, sign me up for that!"
“Interesting how this is always the randy male taking on multiple females”
The reason for this, which a muslim told me, is because of inheritance issues. If there is one father, all the kids are his, and it is obvious who the mother is through her pregnancy.
If a women has multiple husbands though, there will be great doubt and arguments over who is the father, and who inherits which man’s property.
Anyhow, in Muhammed’s case, he did not rise to power until he was in his mid 50’s, and well into his 60’s when he died. Most of his marriages were then (many for political purposes), when he was losing his sexual potency. Apparently, he was henpecked and ridiculed quite a bit by his wives for not being able to satisfy them. This seems to have led to his death, when 16 year young Aisha (whom he married around age six) had an affair with a young man.
Aisha was the daughter of Muhammad’s wealthy and powerful patron, Abu Bakr (who became Caliph after Muhammad). When Muhammad publicly kicked Aisha out for infidelity, this threatened Abu Bakr’s claim to the Kingdom after Muhammad. Under pressure, Muhammad accepted Aisha back after three months, to make sure she wasn’t pregnant; but began plotting and positioning to set up his cousin, nephew and son-in-law (I’m not making that up) Ali to inherit the crown.
Abu Bakr, and his ally Umar found out about this, and made a failed attempt on Muhammad’s life as he returned from a raid. Muhammad quickly came out and declared that God wanted Abu Bakr and Umar to lead a jihad into Syria right away - about as far away as he could send them, and against the greatest force. They delayed their departure, during which time Muhammad succumbed to a bad case of poisoning. He tried to call for someone to write down his last words, but Umar held everyone else out until Muhammad had died, with his head in Aisha’s lap. (Umar later became Caliph after Abu Bakr).
A few months later (some say 75 days after Muhammad’s death), while arguing over inheritance and succession, Umar fatally wounded Muhammad’s only daughter Fatima, who was Ali’s wife (and visibly pregnant at the time).
So there is plenty of room for soap opera in polygamous marriages, even if one does follow the quran and the example of the prophet quite closely...
"... and b) women that get treated like possessions>"
Gee. Too bad we can't cite examples..... {;^)
Actually, Mormon polygamy allowed all your wives to have multiple husbands
Just think of how fast VD would spread
Probably not much.
The thing to realize is that a lot of this isn't part of a popular movement but being pushed by the elites: just look at how they strike down States defining legitimate marriage [even CA did this!] using single federal judges. — It's all part of the narrative
.
It’s wrong and it’s sick. Besides that, her comments about how difficult it is for the husband because he must provide for and keep everyone happy is another reason it does not work and cannot be a good for society: Most polygamous marriages are mired in poverty, financial, spiritual and emotional poverty. It is not the ideal, and not God’s ideal; another reason why Allah is inferior to our God.
The references to various problems that may arise suggests that Muslims know well that polygamy is fraught with difficulties.
Yup. Sex sells, news doesn’t.
Here is today’s mass media story (or at least one of them, I’ve selected a relatively ‘tame’ one so not to seer anyone’s eyes here)
http://www.mercurynews.com/celebrities/ci_27475415/jennifer-lawrence-gets-naked-boa-constrictor
Now, that sells a whole lot more than, say, a big long investigative report trying to find out the real name, nationality, and financial backing of a certain high-up politician in chief
She goes on and on about her ideal life. But I bet deep down she knows this is a disaster waiting to happen.
Always the guy's fault.
Always the guy's fault.
No need. They're well known.
"B!tch set me up..."
I’m really hoping this is a parody. Can you imagine the disaster this situation would incur?
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