Hahah!!!
My cat did too... mean, mean Burmese. I would pick her up and hold her just to show her who was boss (she was declawed); she’d grumble and hiss a bit, but never tried to bite me.
Funny thing, though. She’d jump on MY lap only and do the pedal-pusher thingy on my stomach and purr. Strange cat.
Same here. Sasu gives fine massages too, speaks never, despises people, but does use my proximity for sleeping purposes on occasion. Other than that, she preens to herself.