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Thanks to the hard work of M-L (“left that other site”), I’ve compiled a list of politically correct Winter Holiday songs that have no hint of anything that could possibly offend anyone’s tender sensibilities. The first one is actually being sung in our public schools today.

“Still in the Night”

“O Come All Ye Ambivalent”

“Random Chance Rest Ye Merry Gentlepersons”

“O Little Town of the Occupied Territories”

“Hark, the Herald Ancient Aliens Sing”

“O Inclusive Night”

“We Three Democratically Elected Presidents of the Indigenous Peoples of Asia Are”

“The Height-Challenged Transgendered Percussionist Boy/Girl”

“Do You Hear What I Hear (Closed Captioning Provided)”

“The Obese, Pipe Smoking, Commercialized, Unshaven Unauthorized Distributor of Entitlements is Coming to Town”

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, and My Other Mommy is Really Pi$$ed Off”

“Testosterone Producing Units Roasting on a Properly Vented, Thoroughly Safe, Non-Fossil-Fuel-Consuming Emission-Free Heat Source”

”It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas, and the ACLU is Going to Sue Your A$$ Off for That”

“I’m Dreaming of an Ethnically Diverse Solstice”

George Frederick Handel wrote a magnificent cantata. (The politically incorrect word would be oratorio, but that would imply prayer, coming from the Latin orare, “to pray”, and we all know that there’s no one there to listen, don’t we?) The one-word title of this piece is so politically incorrect that it can barely be translated without offending someone! A proper translation into Politically-Correctese would be:

”Person Who Has Symbolically Had Vegetable Oil Poured on His/Her Head, Thus Signifying That He/She is Special (But No More Special Than Anyone Else!)

The politically correct version of this towering work contains:

“Every Valley Shall be Exalted (Until it is Equal in Depth to All Other Valleys)”
”For Behold, Darkness Shall Cover the Earth (Due to Anthropogenic Global Warming)”
”For Unto Us a Child is Born (Which is One Useless Eater Too Many for This Poor Overpopulated World)”
”There Were Shepherds Abiding in the Field (Until the Government Turned the Field into a National Park, Confiscated the Sheep and Waterboarded the Shepherds)”
”Then Shall the Eyes of the Blind be Opened (And the Obamacare Fee be Charged)”
”And We Like Sheep (Which is Now Legal in Three States)”
”Thou Art Gone Up on High (‘Cos that Weed was Truly Righteous, Dude!)”
”The Lord Gave the Word, Great Was the Company of the Preachers (Until the IRS Shut Them Up)”
”How Beautiful are the Feet” (a.k.a. “The San Francisco Fetish Aria”)
”Let Us Break Their Bonds Asunder (And Screw the Bondholders)”
The famous “Halle-whoever Chorus”
“I Know That My Government Bailout Liveth”

(I may just burn in heck for all eternity for this entry.)

Then there is the beloved Winter Holiday ballet by Tchaikovsky known as “The Hypo-Allergenic Non-Peanut-Cracker (Produced on Equipment That Does Not Process Peanuts or Other Tree-Related Products)”

This includes:

”March of the Toy Fully Diversified and Non-Gender Biased Military Personnel”
”Dance of the Arab Spring Freedom Fighters”
”Dance of the Asians”
”Dance of the Melting-Glacier-Due-to-Anthropogenic Global Warming Flakes”
”Dance of the Sugar-Free Plum Member of the GLBT Community”

Now, for our Winter Holiday festivities, a list of politically correct movies:

”It’s a Wonderful Life, Unless You’re a Member of an Oppressed Minority”

“Easily Explained Scientific Phenomenon on 34th Street”

“How the Grinch Brought Diversity and Cultural Sensitivity to Whoville”

“Multicultural Solstice” (except for the problem that the music was written by a member of the Zionist Entity, Irving Berlin)

Canteen members, add your own!