(applause, laughter, feathers rustling...)...yes...ha! ha!..yes...well, let me tell you, the folks down on Earth, the folks on old Terra Firma are all wondering. Just why Mister Obama, that is, President Obama, did so badly in the debates last night. (angelic murmurs and laughter)...Yes, that's right, he didn't do very well, from what I understand...(angelic hoots and cat calls)...yes, I heard he didn't do very well, it was hard for me to tell because my celestial cable is on the fritz...I mean, I went next door, to Saint Peter's house, to see if I could watch it on his flat screen, but he was watching reruns of Deadliest Catch, and you know how he is about that program...(laughter)... I heard the last guy that interrupted his favorite show, is still working a crab boat on the Lake of Fire. (laughter, applause)
Yes...you have to be careful with Peter. So, I didn't see much of the debate. The only time I had any reception, was when I got to see Michelle Obama's face. Let me tell you. Wow. (angels murmuring, laughing) I mean, I saw a happier look on the face of the guardian angel that found out he was assigned to protect Bill Maher. (laughter, boos) Yeah. Scary. So, I didn't see all of the debate. But I heard the devil did. (angels booing) Oh yes, I heard Satan watched ALL of the debate. Boy, did he get mad. (angel shouts "good!") Oh, yeah. He was steamed. When I say the Devil was steaming, I mean he was literally steaming. You know, if you're stuck in hell, you don't want to see the Devil steam. I mean, hell may be hot, but at least it's a dry heat. ( polite angelic laughter...johnny delivers his 'hangdog' look, then begins shuffling as the band plays 'tea for two'...angels whistling and clapping)
Well...ha! ha!...as I was saying...ha!..."El Diablo" did catch the debate, and he was furious. Simply furious. And he immediately, he immediately placed a call down to Personnel, in hell. That's right. Hell Personnel. And if you think hell is bad, wait till you see who has to work in the basement. (angels laughing) I'll tell you, I wouldn't have wanted to be the demon that picked up that phone call. No way. And I heard Satan demanded, demanded to know who was in charge of hiring such an idiot, to be his anti-Christ.
Well, he finally got to speak to the demon in charge, the guy who decided to hire Barack Obama to be the anti-Christ. And do you know, the guy tried to blame it on affirmative action? (uproar of angelic laughter) That's right, I heard that guy is now in charge of the pit of fire they call Extra Crispy... he has an asbestos desk right in the middle of it. (angels laughing and carrying on) Oh, yeah. No kidding. I heard Satan was so disappointed, he even asked God for a "do-over". But the Big Guy told him, "hey, I let them pick a mormon bishop to be your competition, how much help do you need?" (angels rolling in the aisles laughing, cries of i love you Johnny!...johnny carson swings imaginary golf club as band plays)
