I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly that I worked in a pet shop people kept asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.