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Dear Bon,

Thank you for your work in helping horribly abused children. As a survivor myself I understand how hard your job is - to see that kind of suffering on a daily basis.

I must tell you though - do not EVER refer to ANY of us survivors as “DAMAGED GOODS” again — EVER, EVER, EVER! With an attitude like that you will NEVER be able to truly help these children. They will distrust you because they can FEEL how you “really feel” on the inside so much more than you realize. NOT ALL of us are incapable of understanding what was done to us is wrong, and NOT ALL of us are they type that will continue the abuse to the next generation.

I have to explain that I had to quit a class in college when during an Intro to Psych class they brought up the topic of abused children and the effects of abuse (of all kinds). The things in that textbook, the way they spoke of abused kids EXACTLY like “damaged goods” made me physically sick to my stomach. It was nothing I hadn’t heard from the *adults* and teachers around me since I was old enough to realize they were talking about kids *like me*. Had I listened to that it only would have compounded my problems that much worse! I know so many who even after counseling will never allow themselves to experience the joy of parenting due to constant fear they will turn into their parent(s). And, so many others who never even allow themselves to find love in the world because how they feel on the inside is reflected in what all the *experts* think of them. We see and hear so much more than you can realize. Even if you think we are *too young* to understand...

WE are not the *damaged* ones, the perpetrators ARE. WE are responding completely NORMALLY to an extremely ABNORMAL situation...

You may wish to read through some of my other posts here...

I know you were definitely not meaning to hurt anyone with your words, but that phrase alone is so incredibly condescending, and victimizing to even those of us who have worked so hard and so long to overcome the things done to us...

I have to say though - there is a time and place for discipline - even on a VERY, VERY rare occasion for corporal punishment (a smack on the hand, or a spanking - with hand on bottom for very serious situations that require an immediate response for the safety of a child, but even that is so few and far between it’s hard to classify it as “punishment”). AND, I agree completely with you when it comes to an older child who is perfectly capable of understanding the words you are saying, and reasoning behind them, and also understanding of what consequences you are protecting them from that there really is NO reason to strike them - restraint if they are physically lashing out, but never striking AT them. We might disagree on that point, but keep in mind that what you see on a daily basis is a result of a HUGE overstepping of that line, an nowhere near the realm of *punishment* or *discipline*. By giving the message of *zero tolerance* when it comes to any type of physical interaction between parent and child, it WILL get swung too far back to the other side where a survivor may fear disciplining their child AT ALL.

I am by no means a perfect parent - there is no parent in this world that is. However, with two grown children, and two teens with whom I share a close relationship with, who have never felt the need to truly *rebel* in the classic sense that there is much more to being a good parent than simply never striking a child, EVER. Like I mentioned in another post - a two-year-old child reaching for a red hot burner is GOING to get their hand smacked by me BEFORE they touch it and forever deal with having melted their fingers together! And, a 2-year-old child who runs across the street without looking or pausing at ALL when they see the neighbor’s dog WILL get a heck of a spanking IMMEDIATELY as the spanking will make them think twice and hopefully never get run over! (Again, we’re talking about toddlers, and not leaving any bruising or ANYTHING like that, or even close to it... We’re NOT talking about parents who beat their children, or use that type of discipline long past the time that the child can truly understand what’s going on - by the time the child is about 4 the time for methods are usually over with completely. There is only a very small window of time where it is effective, frankly.)

I’m just as angry about people who try to justify this particular case where clearly this man is an abusive SOB who deserves to be put in jail to suffer (and that is even too good for him). Just please do NOT use that phrase again as it rips open those very emotional scars you work so hard to heal in others... It taps into that shame that abusers instill in their victims, and to live in our society is hard enough without facing the judgement of others - especially those who are dedicated to helping us.

Thanks for your consideration of what I’ve said. I will deal with the little dagger that got twisted just a bit more - I only bleed a little now that the scar tissue has grown and holds it all in place most of the time - but, as for others (especially those who still harbor their pain inside, and haven’t reached out for help)? Those two words can do so much more to reinforce self-loathing and shame than you could ever realize. Troubled, or haunted by the effects of abuse are perhaps more apt describers because *damaged goods* can never be repaired enough to be *sold* without a *discount* or at *clearance* prices, and survivors have SO MUCH MORE to give that their value - when recovered - can be even higher than those who have never been tested, and never truly understand.

PS - I don’t know what the rates are in RE: to adoption, but for the record my father was my adoptive father. Also, in regards to the mothers you deal with - you cannot always judge them based upon what you believe a normal reaction should be. It took me a VERY long time to understand and forgive my mother for not leaving my father and taking us with her. The truth was - she was so broken down emotionally by him, and dealing with her own devastating health issues that she didn’t have a real choice. Leave with us and likely die within a few months, or stay and do everything she could to console us and teach us with her wisdom? I know how hard it is, but please try not to be so judgemental of some of these people. Again, they are responding rather *normally* to what is an extremely *abnormal situation* that those who have never lived it can never truly understand...