Posted on 06/23/2010 9:24:56 AM PDT by Kaslin
Dear Carrie: I have two grown sons: one's a corporate attorney and one teaches English at a public high school. Needless to say, their incomes are quite far apart. I'm tempted to leave my less-well-off teacher more money, but is this a good idea? And if so, how's the best way to do it? -- A Reader
Dear Reader: Your excellent question raises some important issues about fairness and about how to handle estate planning -- particularly the importance of communicating with your heirs about your wishes and intentions. Even the most generous of impulses can be misinterpreted, especially those involving family and money.
EQUAL IS EASY (AND PROBABLY RIGHT)
I'll start by saying that my natural inclination is for parents to treat their children equally. I completely understand your impulse to provide extra assistance to your son with fewer resources, and that ultimately may be the best decision -- but I caution you to proceed with care.
First understand that both of your sons may easily perceive their inheritance as a symbol for your love. Your sons are adults, but it's amazing how childhood insecurities can linger. A perceived slight can trigger resentment that can last for decades.
Also, things can (and do) change. One son may be earning a lot more now, but it's impossible to accurately predict the future.
TALK CAN LEAD TO CONSENSUS
If you decide that giving more to your son the teacher is really the right thing, explain your plan to both sons now, starting with the wealthier son. Be sure to present it as an idea -- not a fait accompli.
Hopefully, he'll be receptive and understanding. Then you'll be able to discuss your plans with your other son. A third conversation with both of them should ensure that the idea is acceptable to all concerned.
Of course, if your wealthier son is unhappy, you've got some rethinking to do. One possibility is to treat the two equally in your will, but make annual gifts to your son the teacher to help him out now (or perhaps to his children, such as with contributions to a 529 college savings plan). Or you might come up with an estate plan that provides more money for the teacher, but evens things out by bequeathing some family heirlooms or other non-financial assets to your wealthier son.
I'll add here that if your wealth is substantial, now is an excellent time to talk to an estate-planning attorney to ensure you won't run into a big estate tax bill. Although estate taxes were repealed at the end of 2009, they will return in 2011. Up to $1 million is free of tax, but anything above that is taxed up to a maximum of 55 percent, depending on the size of your estate. So, plan ahead.
As for your children, I know you're trying to be fair, so think carefully before you decide to give one of them more money than the other. After all, the last thing you want to do is to foster resentment that could live on for years after you've gone. Good luck.
I say put a word into the ear of the richer one that he would be blessed to share his equal inheritance with his less well-off brother. Who knows, maybe the wealthy one is already sharing with his brother.
My father-in-law has a reasonable amount of money, and he has experienced a series of medical problems up until now, including some form of degenerative heart disease recently.
He’s outlived his wife, and I’m scared that he’ll get sick more this year, and in the end decide to give up now because he doesn’t want to get hit with death taxes next year.
At least he doesn’t have to worry about his children disconnecting him on December 31st just to get more money. I bet there will be an upswing of power of attorney disconnections in December of this year.
It’s your estate. Why ask people what to do with it? Do you ask people what to do with your money or other belongings?
First, how does she know the teacher is less well off? Has she computed the value of benefits, tenure, etc or is she comparing who has the higher car payment?
Second, if she gives it to the one who can make more money with it then that sibling would have more resources to take care of his siblings.
Was it Lincoln who said that people are usually about as happy as they want to be?
If the sons are inclined to be satisfied, they will be. If not, no division of inheritance will please them, whether equal or unequal.
If you’re that worried, sell everything now and spend it.
Raffle and Chinese auction should not be ruled out either. ;)
Leave it all to The Salvation Army.
Exactly. It’s your money, do what best achieves your goals with it. Nothing is more irritating than adult children who view the parents money, as rightfully belonging to them.
The kids have no standing if she writes a will. If you get a gift from the parents, then you get a gift. What the heck kind of person demands it as a “right”?
This too goes beyond estate planning. I have siblings that have not had much success primarily by what I see as lack of trying and very bad decisions. My wife and I have worked VERY hard to be successful financially. The result is that my siblings’ kids (my nieces and nephews) receive things from my parents that my kids would never be given. Everything from college tuition to cars.
It is their money and they can do with it what they want, but when your kid asks why Grandma doesn't buy them a car, its hard to explain that they are better off earning the money to buy their own car. Which is what we expect them to do.
All of my children are much better off than I am, but I want to leave them an inheritance. I just don't quite how to go about it. I have a terminal lung illness, and I have to make decisions, and I will take all of the suggestions that I can get.
We recently went through this with my father-in-law’s death. He divided the estate(small estate)very unequally...with it heavily weighted to wife number three and her ner do well daughter. Three other children (two of whom have given him grandchildren) were pretty much given the shaft even though they were the ones who spent time with him at holidays, etc.(the ner do well daughter never called him “Dad” but used his first name). It has left a lot of hurt feelings that will be there for years and created a rift with the “family” that will never be healed. Equal is the right thing to do.
That's my plan. The only thing better than dying with a zero balance is to owe someone a million bucks that you have already spent and enjoyed. ;o)
Proverbs 13:22
Leave none to the sons.
They’re her kids, who knows better which deserves more? Maybe she should just ask them about it?
yes. I have been wondering for years what the impact of 2010 will have on some family decisions regarding life support etc. Such an odd law though and it is so wrought with unfairness. It is like a crap shoot on the percentages. Completely wrong. At the same time, I am sure there will be the occasional incident in which the tax free inheritance will push them to act. Blessings for your father-in-law.
This one is a tough call. Neither of the sons has what I would consider a respectable job. I think I would leave my inheritance to care for my cat!
Sure! Sounds perfectly Socialistic to me! Punish the rich and areward the poor! s/
As equal as possible is usually better. People can’t help but read motives into anything other than an equal split, and it will create ill will between siblings where none need exist. It will always be there.
The fact that one child has more money is neither here nor there. Each chose his life’s work, each made his decision (and each is engaged in honorable work) and in most cases its not appropriate to account for that in the will. There are exceptions, but as a general rule you should not use the will to settle grievances and you should try to treat your kids equally where possible (even when one seems less deserving than another). I’ve heard of people using the will to settle a grievance and its not pretty.
An exception is where you’re dealing with whole property rather than money, where the property is not going to be sold but left intact, or in the case of a business that is to be run by one of the kids. That gets more difficult, because some things can’t be divided. Some businesses can’t be run by just anyone, and some kids may have no interest in the business.
To hell with both, write a new will stating:
Being of sound minek I spent it all!
Not what it says or Christians and Jews would have been leaving only to the grandkids for thousands of years. My reading is that it is a statement that God will look out for his people, the good man will leave enough inheritence for his children’s children (my reading is that it’s enough EVEN for his children’s children, not just the grandkids), the bad man leaves an inheritence for the righteous. Particularly in light of examples of inheritence direct to the sons in the Bible.
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