“Somehow though, people dumping their own relatives into homes isn’t abuse.”
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When my mother could no longer care for herself, my brother and I made the tough decision to move her to a nursing home. Believe me, this decision was not made lightly. Both my brother and I were working at the time and both of us had jobs that demanded a lot of overtime, plus weekends and ocssionally holidays. Some family members and neighbors thught we were terrible to “dump” Mom into a home, but really, it was the best we could do.
This was not the old days, when people usually worked 9 to 5 and most women were stay-at-home wives. These days, if you want to keep your job (and your main source of income), you may have to work long hours and the usual days off. You don’t have a choice. IF I had quit my job (as some suggested) and just stayed at home caring for my mother, what money would I have had to live on?
It’s not that my brother and I didn’t love our mother. In fact, I believe that moving her to a home was actually a sign of love — we were getting her optimum care, certainly more than we could have ever done. We were fortunate that the home Mom lived in was excellent for such a facility. Mom received the best possible care and was never abused or neglected (nor were there any reports of others being abused or neglected).
And Mom was never lonely. She was exceptionally outgoing...made friends wherever she was. And we visited her often, and my brother and his wife, when they could, would take her out, usually to their home, and often for the weekend. In addition, the home itself had excursions for their relatively able residents and an assortment of indoor games and activities. I think the only thing my mother complained about was the food, but then again, if she had been served a five course meal at an upscale restaurant, she would still have found fault with the food. Mom was fussy that way. Otherwise, Mom was cared for and she was not just “dumped.”
Sorry for going on like this, but after listening to so many busybodies tell me what a terrible daughter I was for warehousing my mother in a home, it’s a subject that sticks in my craw. I refuse to feel guilty about our decision.
Many of the nursing assistants are from other countries like Granada, Panama, and lots from Africa. They are appalled that American families do not care for their parents.
It is culture, not economics. We do not care for our parents because we do not care enough to make the sacrifice.
You should never feel guilty for doing what you had to do. By staying in contact, regular visits and outtings when you could...it really sounds like your mom was happy and not suffering. I think the worst cases are poorly managed facilities and patients who can no longer be their own advocates. (Can’t defend or protect themselves against abuse, neglect etc.. They are at the highest risk, and need extra supervision when family can’t take care of them at home)
I believe the Hospice Nurse means to admit and forget as many do. It is imperative that a person visit the home frequently and assess for themselves the loved one’s condition. It also is a time you can give one-on-one care. The rules don't say you have to get permission to give a bath, trim fingernails, shampoo hair, repair clothing, clean the closet or take them for an out of facility outing. However, nursing home care givers are damned if they do and damned if they don't. For example, an ombudsman told us that we were not to enter this lady's room if she did not permit us. Things got terribly out of hand by her food hoarding and news paper hoarding - health and fire hazards. In the end, she left us because she was not safe for the other residents and we could not adequately care for her without assessing her. Now we have national trial lawyers with ads on TV searching for "Nursing Home Abuse and Assisted Living Abuse" clients.