We already have a Queenie!
Posted on 03/05/2008 1:41:52 PM PST by RedFred In A Blue State
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen…
Rhat German woman?
That German woman?
We don't go around calling stuff Platinium, Molybdenium, or Tantalium.
Get over it...
Perhaps this would explain Mrs. Lucky’s comment that she wouldn’t mind being “taken” by Prince Harry.
“Am I the only one who loves the Brits and would welcome this?”
Yeah, what the hell — I’m in. It’s either them or the Mexicans. Hey, the Mexicans have much better food though. Now that I think of it, their language is easier to learn, too!
Was, past tense. (From the only person in History to bother picking up a 20p off the floor at Harrod's. No Class.)
And your country’s propensity to appease Muslim’s and tolerate forms of Sharia, should probably be left a British thang. Our spines aren’t as crooked as your teeth.
As for Football..the not soccer kind, unless you want to create a new terrorist group: the NFFA(National Football Fan Army). I’d leave that alone. The last thing you want to do is upset people who paint themselves in their team’s colors, then hang out in their under ware in below 0 temps.
Baseball is just Cricket on Steroids, so why mess with that either.
And don’t lecture us on the use of the English vernacular. If anything you should adopt the improvements we’ve made to your bloody language. We speak better English then you do.
I do agree with the Beer thing though. Finally we can stop calling Coor’s Light beer...God Save the Queen!!!
No, I’m right there with you except for point 14. I’m not giving up my Yankees.
At least the British priviledged class is educated...
We already have a Queenie!
Can we get Prince Harry? He seems to be one of the few with any sense any more.
I like #17.
/jasper
From Wikipedia, obsolete English coins:
Five Guineas (originally 100/- [£5], later 105/- [£5.25]) 1668–1753.
Five Pounds (100/- [£5]) (Gold) 1826–1990.
Triple Unite (60/- [£3]) 1642–1644.
Fifty Shillings (50/- [£2.5]) 1656.
Two Guineas (42/- [£2.1]) 1664–1753.
Two Pounds (40/- [£2]) 1823–1937.
Rose Ryal (30/- [£1.5]) 1604–1625.
Guinea (21/- [£1.05]) 1663–1799, 1813
Broad (20/- [£1]) 1656. Sovereign (20/- [£1]) 1489–1604; 1817–1937, since 1957 a bullion coin.
Laurel (20/- [£1]) 1619–1644?
Unite (20/- [£1]) 1604–1619; 1649–1662.
Spur Ryal (15/- [£0.75]) 1604–1625.
Half guinea (10/6 [£0.525]) 1669–1813.
Half sovereign (10/- [£0.5]) 1544–1553; 1603–1604; 1817–1937, since 1980 a bullion coin.
Double Crown (10/- [£0.5]) 1604–1619; 1625–1662.
Halfpound (10/- [£0.5]) 1559–1602; 1642–1644
Half Unite (10/- [£0.5]) 1642–1643.
Half laurel (10/- [£0.5]) 1619–1625.
Rose Noble or Ryal (10/- [£0.5], 15/- [£0.75] from 1553) 1464–1470, 1487, 1553–1603.
Third guinea (7/- [£0.35]) 1797–1813.
Noble (6/8 [£0.3333], raised to 8/4 [£0.4167] in 1464) 1344–1464.
Angel (6/8 [£0.3333]) 1461–1643.
Florin or Double Leopard (6/- [£0.3]) 1344. Demonetised within 1 year.
Quarter guinea (5/3 [£0.2625]) 1718, 1762.
Crown (5/- [£0.25]) 1526–1965
Crown of the Rose (4/6 [£0.225]) 1526–1551.
Double florin (4/- [£0.2]), 1887–1890.
Half Noble (3/4 [£0.1667], increased to 4/2 [£0.2083] in 1464); minted 1346–1438.
Half Angel (3/4 [£0.1667], later 5/6 [£0.275]), 1470–1619.
Half Florin or Leopard (3/- [£0.15]) 1344. Extremely rare.
Half crown (2/6 [£0.125]), 1526–1969.
Quarter Angel (2/- [£0.1]), 1547–1600. Gold.
Florin (2/- [£0.1]), 1848–1970, circulated until 1993 as the old Ten Pence coin.
Gold penny (1/8 [£0.0833] - 2/- [£0.1]) 1257–1265. Gold. Undervalued for its metal content and extremely rare.
Quarter Noble (1/8 [£0.0833]), 1344–1470.
Quarter Florin or Helm (1/6 [£0.075]), 1344. Gold coin demonetised within 1 year.
Shilling (1/- [£0.05]), 1502–1970, circulated until 1990 as the old Five Pence coin.
Sixpence (6d [£0.025]), 1547–1970
Groat (4d [£0.0167]) silver 1279–1662, 1836–1862 (and thereafter only for Maundy)
Threepence (3d [£0.0125]), silver 1547–1945 (and thereafter only for Maundy), nickel-brass 1937–1970
Half Groat (2d [£0.0083]), 1351–1662
Twopence (2d [£0.0083]), silver (inc. Maundy) 1668–current; copper 1797–1798.
Three Halfpence (1½d [£0.0063]), 1561–1582, 1834–1870 *
Penny (1d [£0.0042]), 757–1970
Three Farthings (0.75d [£0.0031]), 1561–1582.
Halfpenny (0.5d [£0.0021]), 1272–1969
Farthing (0.25d [£0.00104167]), c. 1200–1960
Half farthing (0.125d [£0.00052083]), 1828–1868 *
Third farthing (0.08333d [£0.0003472]) 1827–1913 *
Quarter farthing (0.0625d [£0.00026]), 1839–1868 *
Priceless.
OK, I’ll give you aluminium, but what about Worcesterchire Sauce? Who do you know that pronounces it Wor-ces-ter-chire? It’s always Wor-schter-shire. Huh? Well? C’mon!!! 4 syllables!
How can guineas continue to be used if there are no shillings ?
Exactly..its like how can you ‘ave any pudding if you don’t eat your meat??
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