Posted on 03/05/2008 12:21:57 PM PST by SmithL
Pregnancy is a roller coaster, whether it's you who's expecting or your wife whose belly is blooming. But when you're the "other mother," the life partner of the pregnant woman, you're in largely uncharted waters.
So when Jaime Jenett's partner, Laura Fitch, became pregnant, Jenett began looking for a support group of other "Other Mothers." And not finding one, Jenett did what comes naturally. The health program coordinator for John Muir's Women's Health Center in Walnut Creek decided to started one.
Eighteen women showed up the first week at Berkeley's Crepevine cafe. Some had newborns, others were anticipating the birth of their first child. And at first, everyone had similar concerns.
"They were concerned about feeling disconnected," says Jenett. "That no one would recognize them. They'd be invisible. I had the same fears."
Those are common concerns, says Kristin Kali, a midwife with Maia Midwifery, an Orinda preconception and birthing support organization with an international reputation. Founder Stephanie Brill wrote the book on lesbian conception and birth, and Kali's clientele hails from not just Northern California, but across the country and overseas.
Whether or not a soon-to-be expectant couple realizes it, says Kali, they're about to wade into a sea of emotionally weighty issues surrounding conception, delivery and child-rearing. Whose sperm? Who gets pregnant first? And what about the biological bond, the legalities, logistics Jenett found that some of the most supportive, helpful advice came from women who had been through the experience, women whose partners had recently given birth. Soon, they told her, you will be an integral part of that baby's life, but at first, you have to "put your ego on hold."
"The first six weeks are about that really intense biological connection," she says. "That's my biggest anxiety. Where do I fit?"
Lesbian births are not as unusual now as they were a decade ago when San Francisco psychiatrist Julie Stahl's daughter was born.
"I felt like I was inventing the wheel doing it," she says. "I wasn't telling people."
And Stahl's partner, the nonbiological mother, felt very ambivalent.
"Once you have a real child, the other parent bonds to the child," says Stahl. "But early on, it's a different experience."
For any new parent, birth conjures up primal emotions, says Kali. But it can be especially complicated for the nonbiological mom.
"There's a lot of worry about not having a biological connection." says Kali. "Even the terminology "" nonbiological mother, other mother "" is very negative. But I don't know how to say it (differently)."
The biological anxiety is one shared by many heterosexual fathers whose wives have undergone artificial insemination.
"When it's a known donor, there are a lot of intricacies," says Kali. "To the nonbiological parent, it can feel a little like competition. The birth mother's excited. The nonbiological's not so sure. There's no place in our culture for affirming a parent who doesn't have a biological connection."
Some women ask a male relative to donate his sperm. Some choose a sperm bank donor whose ethnic background, physical appearance and personality match the other mother's, so there is a physical resemblance. And some opt for in vitro fertilization, so they can have the nonbiological mother's fertilized egg implanted in her partner's womb.
Jenett and Fitch chose a known donor, the husband of a friend, because Jenett has friends who never knew their biological parents.
"I saw how much space it takes up in their heads," she says.
They wanted a wonderful man who would serve not as an involved parent, but as a distant uncle of sorts. They were blown away when their friends offered, saying "Why would we not do this for you?"
There are so many issues, says Kali, as couples struggle "" or delight "" in their relationships with extended family, friends and each other. But one that hits clients out of left field can be the underlying emotions in the hospital delivery room.
"Different people have different levels of 'outness' they walk with through their normal lives," she says. "If they're way out, they're going to carry that into the hospital. Someone more guarded is less likely to be as loving and affectionate to their partner "" and lots of love and touching and support is what gets a baby born. This is your role, and it's really important in the labor room."
But it's hard to keep your head when confronted with your own "internalized homophobia," she says. It's helpful to talk the possibility through with your doula, your doctor or other support person. Tell them, says Kali, "I may feel inhibited. Can you help me to feel safe?"
Actually, says Stahl, the San Francisco psychiatrist, "Parenthood is like a constant coming out "" at school, at the orthodontist, filling out forms. Mother/father? No, mother/mother. All that kind of stuff."
Jenett agrees. She laughs as she describes being "outed" by her excited colleagues, who can't wait to tell the world about the baby boy who will arrive in just a few weeks.
"I'm excited to just have a baby, to have a different perspective on the world," says Jenett. "Kids make you slow down and smell the roses "" so cliched but so true. We're excited to raise a man, and so fortunate to have wonderful men in our lives."
Among those wonderful men: her 89-year-old Texan grandfather who has already sent his yet-to-be-born great-grandson a present.
I also should point out that picture, ladies, gives you an idead of what a MAN would look like pregnant. My God, the ‘male’ lesbian is the one who decided to have the kid.
This could be a case where the ugly stick didn’t HIT her, but actually impregnated her...
Don’t want to say for sure, but the one in prison-stripes kinda looks like a tranny.
No, that’s a typical horse-faced gal.
I think they mean that one woman is impregnated with, for instance, her partner's brother's sperm, not her own relative's sperm.
My daughter can not “punish” the child because of the sin of the parent, yet we do not want to “normalize “ this disjointed family.
One does not have to punish the child, but one must protect one’s own from poor influences. I would slowly sever those ties unless you want chldren who see no problem with it.
Now that's funny no matter WHO you are!
That's what I thought too, I just left it for you to write it first.
Yup, you might assume that the "butchy" one wouldn't want to be pregnant.
Makes me wonder how they decide which one to get pregnant.
Draw straws, flip a coin?
In other areas, it would make sense to just pick the one who can do it best, such as cooking, for example. The better cook is the one in charge of cooking.
Yup, it’s an age old question - which lesbian gets pregnant?
Kind of like, if they both want to dance, how do they decide which one leads?
Yea, and I don't even want to know what goes on behind closed doors.
BTW: does anyone besides me wonder which one of the male family members made the contribution?
I mean, there's that grandfather sending a gift and all.
Reminds me of that old song; "I am my own grandpa".
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.