Confession time. When I was young I impregnated 3 young ladies at different times (having no sense of personal responsibility, having no moral compass to guide me, having bought wholly into the feel-good philosophy of the age.) Each pregnancy and relationship was terminated via abortion. How matter of fact the decision to abort was arrived at varied somewhat in each case, yet the ultimate decision was the same—abort, abort, abort. No resistance from me. I was totally on board with the idea (how easy for me it made all things!)
Going in to the clinic was a bit numbing (on one occasion I actually overslept and was awakened by a frantic call from my then girlfriend wondering where I was. I fully understood why she dumped me shortly after! I would have dumped me, too.) On the other two occasions, we sat together, not saying a word. I marvelled at the blank faces, the nervous giggling among friends, the tight-lipped stone faces of parents with their teens all waiting for their turn at the table. With each call, a separation, a wave of the hand, a doubtful look of uncertainty, a permanent change.
Coming out from the procedure, my semi-anesthetized, soon-to-be exes came out, hunched over, doped up, uncommunicative. I had no idea of what was going through their minds at the time other than the sense that what it was was troubling. For my part, I was isolated, confused as to what to do, lacking for anything that would help, comfort, offer anything in the way of hope. It was as if some great rift had immediately descended between we two. The quiet ride home. The separation to allow for recovery. The subsequent clumsy conversations to try to return to our relationship (at the time, I had no idea it was already irrevocably over.) A few days, a couple of weeks, empty talk, something missing, senseless arguing, inexpressible feelings, onslaught of confusion all worked their woe and we parted company.
Years later at college I was given an impromptu speech test as part of my admissions requirement. I had to come up with something that I could discuss extemporaneously for 3-5 minutes (and something I thought was going to be trendy, provacative enough to captivate this assessor of mine.) I spoke on the damage of abortion to human relationships.
Like this woman, I too, long to see my 3 “little ones” (the definition of the term “fetus”) and to express to them joy at finally being able to see them, hold them, touch them. They are in the better place right now, not me. I do not say that to excuse anything, to justify anything, to minimize anything. I was a party to their murder! Like the woman in this story, if I were to have thought about it long and hard enough back then, my conscience may not have let me go. Those times when I did reflect on it, I was deeply grieved over what I had done. But it wasn’t until I came to Christ that my remorse became more fully focused. I had sinned against God! I had offended Him. Yes, I had helped take human life, but in doing so, I had gone against God’s will for my life and all life. So, too, with each of my sins (none being more egregious than any other in HIS sight). When I came to Him with this remorse, it was then I received the mercy and forgiveness that permeates all the way to the conscience. I stand before Him pardoned now. Some here may feel that a full pardon is not in order. That’s okay. I have come to realize that sin’s consequences are sometimes long-term. But in God’s eyes, my sin is forgiven. Not because I wanted it to be (though I did), but because He paid for it.
I don’t know if I will need to apologize to my yet unknown children when I see them in Heaven (the Bible talks about Christ having paid the penalty for sin—even ones like these, and that there are no tears in Heaven), but if I need to, I will.
Be Blessed.
Thank you for writing. Some people think men are not affected or damaged by abortion. I consistently argue otherwise. There are so many walking wounded, male and female, from this legal horror, and many of them would not have chosen that path if it was not legal. Legal makes it seem like it’s okay.
I have a close relative who suffers with the knowledge that he did nothing to prevent his ex-girlfriend from having an abortion. He has, over the years, become a recluse. He has become unable to maintain friendships or family relationships. He told me of the image he sees replayed over and over in his mind- of his baby in a bucket, and how he failed to even try to stop her. He knows she might not have listened, but he lives with the guilt of not even trying.
I have had friends who had recurring nightmares where they heard their babies crying during the night, and one who felt her baby’s hands around her neck, as if holding her. One credited her abortion with the reason she had trouble containing her rage against a subsequent child.
If I may, I would urge you to speak publicly, to other men, about this, and about how it has harmed you, the women, and your children. I know more and more people are going public, to try and prevent others from choosing that path.
Your healing can be deeper and more consoling than it has been. I would urge you to pray that God shows you the fullness of his revelations, and the way to the fullnes of His Truth.
Pax Christi.
Well written and obviously deeply felt.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. God bless you and yours. Always remember that with Christ, life is ultimately redemptive. It is good to have you as a brother.