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Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough
Atlantic Monthly ^ | March 2008 | Lori Gottlieb

Posted on 02/14/2008 6:25:05 AM PST by reaganaut1

About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene.

“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

(Excerpt) Read more at theatlantic.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: betteroffsingle; culturewar; danquaylewasright; family; feminazis; genx; gottlieb; love; marriage; murphybrown; murphybrownwasawhore; quaylewasajerk; relationships; savethemales; singlemothers
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To: Tax-chick

You are absolutely right.


281 posted on 02/14/2008 11:52:00 AM PST by visualops (artlife.us nature wallpapers)
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To: Diplomat

Yep,
I was far more in love with my last beau than I ever was with anyone-— except for my first hubby. So yeah, I’ve been in pain from losing someone.

Bottom line though, I’d rather be alone with really beautfiul memories of a wonderful past than in a hellacious present with someone.


282 posted on 02/14/2008 11:52:53 AM PST by najida (I am so grateful that stupid isn't contagious.)
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To: Marie

Fine that’s Your marriage, and you all have the right to have it any way you want to, but in my marriage, I will respect my wife’s opinion (becuase there will be times when she will be right, and I will have respect and trus) all I am saying is that she must respect my leadership and I will defer to her in her strengths as the mother and care taker, and (all I am saying) is that she must respect me as the leader -and not be a feminist. That’s all!


283 posted on 02/14/2008 11:57:38 AM PST by JSDude1 (http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=56306 "MoveON McCain" To find McCain's Sorros)
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To: reaganaut1

Marry a man who is kind. You can work out the rest.


284 posted on 02/14/2008 11:58:40 AM PST by CaptainK (...please make it stop. Shake a can of pennies at it.)
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To: Marie
Have you tried Hall Sex? (That's when you pass each other in the hall and say, "F U!") ;-)

I call that "Oral Sex". :^)

285 posted on 02/14/2008 12:00:56 PM PST by Night Hides Not (Don't blame me - I'm a Fredhead!)
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To: Marie
There are quite a few chubby chicks who are perfectly capable of making a man very content.

Not to mention dropping a few pounds is a lot easier than a personality makeover ;-D
286 posted on 02/14/2008 12:03:20 PM PST by TalonDJ
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To: coop71

287 posted on 02/14/2008 12:04:42 PM PST by FredHead47
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To: Marie

What a great post.

I can’t identify (yet) with all of it, but I can’t help but acknowledge you have to be largely correct.


288 posted on 02/14/2008 12:06:03 PM PST by the OlLine Rebel (Common sense is an uncommon virtue.)
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To: Marie; -=SoylentSquirrel=-
Ask any person who's happily married after 15 years if they love their partner as much as they did on their wedding day. I'll bet dollars to donuts that they'll say that they didn't even know what love was on that day.

That's affirmative. 18 years, here.

289 posted on 02/14/2008 12:07:21 PM PST by ArrogantBustard (Western Civilization is Aborting, Buggering, and Contracepting itself out of existence.)
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To: TalonDJ

We all don’t find the person we can’t live without. I was so lucky to have been able to find her. I still think that is the goal. I wish you well.


290 posted on 02/14/2008 12:15:00 PM PST by NCLaw441
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To: NCLaw441; TalonDJ

Trust me, he can’t live without me anymore ;-)


291 posted on 02/14/2008 12:16:35 PM PST by JenB
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To: SycoDon
As long as they don't look at the man they settled for through the lens of the Mr. Right Fantasy...And believe it or not, we can tell, and there is no worse feeling.

Standards, ideals, and even fantasies should always be regarded as a framework, not the final build-out of the vision. Hmmm... that analogy would bring new meaning to a "punch list". Ha!

BTW, Women worry just as much, when they see the man they love looking at younger women, even if they are in a magazine or online. And it hurts every bit as much as she wonders what lens she is being viewed with, as well.

But she will write long and elegant paragraphs to explain it away with words of, "that's just how men are, it's natural for them to look." A real woman's pride won't allow her to admit it the dulling pain of it, however.

Old married couples arrive at their future together by way of truce, treaty, detente, and promises.

The love is a given. The details are kinda tricky!

292 posted on 02/14/2008 12:18:10 PM PST by JoanVarga ("¿Por qué no te calles?")
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To: NCLaw441
We all don’t find the person we can’t live without. I was so lucky to have been able to find her. I still think that is the goal. I wish you well.

You miss my point. I found my soulmate, the one God made just for me. But I lived 29 years without her so I probably could scrape along as a sad and lonely man without her.

Unless it was my mistake in which case the hole in my head would get in the way.
293 posted on 02/14/2008 12:40:17 PM PST by TalonDJ
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To: JenB

“Some of my friends used to tease me because my list of requirements was so stringent I wasn’t interested in people who met one or two, but not all, of them. They told me I’d never find the guy I was looking for.”

I get tired of that outlook - it’s rampant here on FR, too (can’t you tell?).

We are told to NOT set too high expectations. So what then, we get a bum? How stupid! But I think you got it right:

‘If your “Mr. Right Template” is set up so you don’t settle for Mr. Wrong, then it’s a good thing.’

You’re danged right I included musts and desparate wants: Christian, conservative, not ugly (I’ve only run into this once), likes history of some sort, smart/knowledgeable (they are different things), doesn’t mind dogs, honest, decent family relations, and at least respects my wish to remain genuinely celibate before marriage. I could add but don’t remember all right now!

This last of course, was the real kicker.


294 posted on 02/14/2008 12:58:45 PM PST by the OlLine Rebel (Common sense is an uncommon virtue.)
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To: Marie
Yes, you have to find a mate that you find at least a *little* attractive. But remember, in time she'll change (for the worse) and so will you. (Hubby wasn't bald when I met him! lol!)

Yeah, well, I'm 26 and I'm already losing my hair and I wear 36 in waste jeans. The somewhat attractive ship has already sailed for me. Come to think of it, I'm not sure it ever pulled into port to begin with.
295 posted on 02/14/2008 1:10:28 PM PST by JamesP81 ("I am against "zero tolerance" policies. It is a crutch for idiots." --FReeper Tenacious 1)
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To: reaganaut1
Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

Why?
When the dupes like "Mr. Taxpayer" and "Ms. Taxpayers" provide a
very steady stream of entitlements?

(/SARC!)
296 posted on 02/14/2008 1:13:10 PM PST by VOA
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To: Sherman Logan

I think what you have there is not just competition but the natural impulse to find a protector and provider. The problem is, it gets distorted in our modern society (we are long out of the caves) and there are no mechanisms to short-circuit the grasping for status and wealth.

For instance, a poor woman in Victorian England could not marry a ‘gentleman’ even if she were gorgeous because they were not of the same station and it is doubtful she’d ever learn how to carry herself (though obviously, in real life, many things are possible beyond perception.) Royalty and nobility married royalty and nobility. This both allowed mediocre(looking) women to marry men above their station (in certain cases) but allowed people to mainly focus on their own social class, which meant that while a woman may not want to marry a drunk, she had to ‘settle’ for a certain type of husband.

Now, in our modern free-for-all, men think they deserve Jessica Alba (I do, but that’s because I’m so smart and handsome) and women think they can all land a rich, handsome Senator or professional athlete.

There’s often no cap on expectations, ESPECIALLY as people get a little older.

When I was 18-24 I could get the most beautiful woman of any status (almost) and the vast majority, even the materialistic ones, were still not TOO into status of their mate (though it seems that has changed now, too.) Now? I can be more intelligent, funnier and better looking than my potential mate and I won’t be good enough because I’m not a doctor or someone with that kind of current income (or immediate income potential.)

But that’s just how it is. Have to keep working at it and working at yourself until you cannot be denied and you have the largest possible pool to pick from (and be picked by.)


297 posted on 02/14/2008 1:18:27 PM PST by Skywalk (Transdimensional Jihad!)
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To: JoanVarga
“The scientific fact that men are appealed to through their vision first,”

Yes, I have to agree....the visual senses generate, a hormone called oxytocin, which in turn drives the bonding chemicals, and that produces a mild high....the old adage: love at the first sight, is true

From my own personal experiences with Internet dating...after viewing the photos of prospective ladies, I get a good feeling, when I view a photo of a certain type of women, that I would like to meet....I read somewhere, that men will seek out women, that genetically are the same as the individual man....

298 posted on 02/14/2008 1:35:21 PM PST by thinking
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To: Marie

Our first 5 years were easy and went by quickly.
I think the key there was sharing completely in the decision-making.


299 posted on 02/14/2008 1:36:10 PM PST by a real Sheila (Have you hugged your "furry best friend" today?)
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To: JamesP81

There is much more to looks than hair and size. There is the face, much more important than many admit (including men). Harder to describe, too. And about impossible to change, albeit it does age.

So if you have a reasonable face, you have a chance. ;-)


300 posted on 02/14/2008 1:37:07 PM PST by the OlLine Rebel (Common sense is an uncommon virtue.)
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