Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

Atlantic Monthly ^ | March 2008 | Lori Gottlieb

[reaganaut1]

About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene.

“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

[rintense]

I wish I could meet a gal that believed this and behaved in that manner. I am sick and tired of the pressure that sex, and expectations of sex, place on the individuals involved in simply dating. However, I’ve had some women break it off very early because I wasn’t acting fast enough.

At this stage in my life I have simply given up and am pretty ambivilent about the whole dating thing.

I feel exactly the same way.

[Tax-chick]

... they’re taught that being discriminating (ie, choosing the better over the worse) is a “sin” in the politically correct times that we’re in.

Ooh, good point!

[Pistolshot]

My bride and I celebrate 11 years of bliss tomorrow. In that time we have both learned a few lessons on remaing happy in the relationship.

first, it's all my fault. Once I learned that, life was much easier.
Second, No matter if I win an argument, I lose. So, I never argue.
the most important lesson we have learned is that I GET THE LAST WORD, and it's usually...."Yes, dear."

[najida]

In my experience, on this end of life, marriage etc....looking back at my parents marriage, grandparents, other relatives, my own....

There is marrying out of fear-— of being alone, not having what everyone else has, fear of not having a family, fear of not being with someone——because we’re supposed to...all of those are disasters. Because people will bring someone toxic their lives out of pure desperation.

Settling in the sense of adjusting, being realistic, knowing that they are a good person with faults...that’s not bad.

With that being said, the hardest thing for any human to do is to learn that it’s better to be alone in good company, be with someone and miserably lonely.

I’ve done both.....I married the love of my life at 22, settled for a disaster at 31 because I never thought I’d be able to find that kind of love again.

I’ve learned.

So heed me well.... marry only for love, never out of fear.

[Froufrou]

Do I pass?

[conservativeharleyguy]

One of the things that always amuses me about the Liberal (big “L”) world-view is how often they relate their experiences, and justify their life-perspectives on the basis of some inane television show or movie.

Apparently, they haven’t quite gotten the concept that it's all simply drama and fantasy, and that every word and nuance, down to the gestures, props, and facial expressions is specifically designed to elicit an emotional reaction, and subliminally present a specific message meant to influence them in a particular direction.

They really seem to believe that we are all just characters in some sappy drama (melodrama??) where Carrie or Monica prevail over Mr. Big or Ross at the end of the episodes’s alloted time.

The real world is far too emotionally overwhelming and scary for them to contemplate, so in order to remain functional, they have retreat into a fantasy world where everybody is happy in the end. Small wonder they absolutely freak out (to the point of situational-paralysis) when they don't get that happy ending they were sure was right around the corner.

[Soliton]

Besides it’d never happen, women are too competative and willing to sell each other out.

You just identified the father problem in the urban community. Men don't get married to their baby mommas because they don't have to. If the women in the ghetto refused to have sex without a ring, there would be a lot of rings being bought.

[JenB]

That goes both ways! Anyone who talks about “settling” is basically saying “you’re better than nothing”.

But we have a really screwed up notion of love in our culture. We think it’s nothing but a feeling. That’s the hormones talking. Love takes work. It’s a decision. If you remember that - if you decide to fall in love - well, then, that makes the job a lot easier.

When I met Talon, I didn’t fall for him and then realize he was so compatible with me. I realized that he was everything I was looking for and then decided to fall for him.

[TalonDJ]

they’re taught that being discriminating (ie, choosing the better over the worse) is a “sin” in the politically correct times that we’re in.

Yep. Can't be too picky on morals or politics. And masculine traits are bad. And guys can't look for feminine traits except physical ones and that is still shallow. Any 'old school' feminine traits are either forbidden to look for or simply nonexistent.

[TalonDJ]

Yes, except that outside of chicklit guys are bombarded but ‘that is not what women want any more.’

[Post Toasties]

The author admits near the end of her editorial that she won't take her own advice.

I guess being paid for the article is all she really wants.

[null and void]

Just a quick note to all the FReeper wimin:

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(s) Mr. Almost Good Enough...

[Tax-chick]

I married the love of my life at 22, and after 19 years (and a large dose of Reality :-), we’re very happy.

It’s hardly an original observation, but just as important as marrying, not THE right person, but A right person (there are a lot of Right People out there) is being, or becoming, a right person.

[Keith Brown]

But that doesn’t mean the men would stay, be faithful, or a good provider.

Men need men to teach them show them and lead them.

We have had enough women stuff for a bit.

[najida]

And you too have a good marriage and a good relationship. Love is an action and an activity. But it comes out of sincere feelings and motivations.

I am a very strong believer that the worst thing anyone can do is think they HAVE to find love. You have to be able to function without it-— give it away yes, but you can’t be so hungry for it that you’ll take crumbs when you deserve the whole cake.

[Tax-chick]

Congratulations on making it to the end of the article. I couldn’t!

[najida]

LOL!
Well, check out Amazon’s forums, or any board on the ‘net. The books that sell the best these days have those guys.....the bookstores and e-sites are flooded with them.

The trick is they aren’t ‘WOMEN MUST SUBMIT’ jerks but simply men who love their women and care fo them.

[null and void]

Can guys get on that ping list?

[najida]

Smooch hun!

I lubs ya.

[TalonDJ]

Right, those guys are masculine in some ways but not all of them. And they generally do just what the woman wants or would want is she were being ‘honest with her feelings’ or some such garbage. They are not the uncooth unshaven sort of macho, they are the hyper idealized macho that is the male version of that over made up perfect housewife of the 50’s and just as unrealistic.