COMING OUT: Parents learn true meaning of family after both son and daughter announce they are gay

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Photo by Shawn Lynch/staff photographer Tom and Carole Allen, the parents of a gay son and a gay daughter, at their home in Arlington on Saturday, June 30, 2007.

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Story Tools: Email This | Print This Arlington, Mass. - “Imagine that, one day, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court sees what you could not — that your children are entitled to the right and privilege to marry the person of their choosing just as you and your husband did 36 years earlier. You begin to understand how discrimination is perpetuated and feel stupid for having accepted it. The old hopes and dreams for family weddings return.”

-From ‘Imagine,’ by Carole Allen The fact that Carole and Tom Allen’s two children are gay was not what disappointed them when their first child, David, then a junior in high school, “came out” and told his family he was attracted to men. Or when their daughter Abbie, at age 14, discovered she was a lesbian.

It was the dream of weddings and grandchildren that really made their hearts ache.

“It was at a time when [homosexuality] was not out there,” Carole said. “It’s just realizing and adjusting your expectations. They had to be altered.”

“But it turned out a lot less than we thought,” Tom added. That was 15 years ago. David, 31, wed his partner Michael in 2004, less than a year after Massachusetts Supreme Court made same-sex marriages legal. On New Year’s Eve, Abbie, 27, will marry her partner Anna at the Charlestown Navy Yard under Boston’s New Year’s fireworks.

Carole beamed when asked to see her son’s wedding album. Her face radiated with pride like the sun on a perfect beach day as she pointed out her son and son-in-law, her daughter and her fiancée Anna, and other family members in the photos.

“Weddings are for parents, by and large,” Tom said. The Allens felt relief when the state legislature, on June 15, voted 151-45 against a referendum that would let voters decide whether to add a constitutional amendment that defines marriage between a man and woman.

“It would have been really humiliating to have people vote on our children and how much our children were worth,” Tom said. “The existing definition of marriage works out very well, thank you very much. It’s just letting more people in the club.”

Tom said his wife should be a registered lobbyist as she worked with local state representatives and senators, wrote a piece called “Imagine” that describes her experience having gay children and the opportunities same-sex marriage has allowed for her family. She testified at the State House to oppose an amendment to outlaw any same-sex relationship.

“People who claim that their marriage is being hurt by gay marriage are missing the point,” Carole said. “It’s quite the opposite.”

Out of the closet “Imagine that, when your son is in high school, you discover that he is attracted to men. Even though your brother is gay, you somehow have ignored evidence that your son could be gay, too. Out of fear, you and your husband confront him about this “dangerous lifestyle,” then spend the next two years anxious and yearning to regain his and each other’s trust. You finally find a way to reach out to each other and become even closer than ever before.”

At their home on Beverly Road, Carole and Tom laugh and talk freely about the uncertainty and adjustment that came with learning their children are homosexuals.

Carole calls accepting the sexual orientation of their children a journey. Her brother is gay, but hearing her son was shocked her.

“We didn’t handle it well. We confronted him in a way that made him say, ‘I don’t know yet.’” Carole said of her son’s sexuality. “We went through a couple of years of isolation and not talking to each other about it, which was very hard.”

Carole said she wanted to learn more about it and went to some PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, support group meetings. She admitted talking about it made her teary-eyed, but after she wrote a letter to David, they reopened the lines of communication.

Tom said he put it aside for a while and it took him years before he could accept and openly talk with coworkers about his children and their sexuality.

“The adjustments are mental. You envision a future for your child and that vision is turned upside,” Tom said. “But as it turns out, it absolutely hasn’t been.”

After picking David up from college his first year, Tom and David talked it out and they began to rebuild their relationship.

When Abbie came out, Carole said it was turbulent time in her daughter’s life and her being a lesbian was the least of her problems.

“She went through a lot of adolescence stuff,” Carole said. “Some of it had to do with that her school placement wasn’t correct for her.”

Abbie helped found the Gay-Straight Alliance at Arlington High School before she transferred to the Cambridge School of Weston, a more arts-focused secondary school. Carole said a school guidance counselor and a therapist helped get Abbie’s sexuality out there and made it easier.

Carole and Tom said some Arlington community members knew David was gay before they did. They didn’t face any discrimination and lauded Arlington’s tolerance.

“The town has a very active focus on diversity and they’re very protective of diversity,” Carole said. “[Discrimination] is not tolerated in this town.”

The Allens said even though the transition was hard, they loved their children and worked hard to embrace them for who they were, regardless of their sexual preferences. And with state officials moving in favor of acceptance and expanding gay rights, everything was falling into place.

“There’s no question that this is the way things are going and anyone trying to resist it is just pulling back against the tide,” Tom said of the recent gay marriage rulings. “You get the feeling that society is moving along with you.”

“Imagine that your legislature has the opportunity to oppose discrimination once and for all by defeating the proposed constitutional amendment. You will feel pride and gratitude if they stand up for your family – a family that just wants happiness, togetherness, and standing in the community.”

The Allens are gearing up for a second wedding this winter for Abbie and Anna while waiting for David and Michael to work through the adoption process. David and Michael plan to adopt the child of a woman whose pregnancy they will follow while Abbie and Anna already have talked about adopting a child internationally.

Carole said Abbie and her future daughter-in-law both have bride’s dresses and will be back in Arlington this August to continue wedding planning and making arrangements. Carole said wedding planners are excited about organizing a same-sex marriage so they can add it to their portfolios.

Both Tom and Carole called weddings “fun.” The excitement and anticipation of the second wedding gleamed in their eyes and smiles.

Though it took years for the Allens to fully accept their children, the journey is over and they look forward to the next phases of their children’s lives, particularly grandchildren.

“Neither of us would wish they would be any other way because that would change who they are,” Tom said. “You just have to look beyond [sexuality] and embrace your children for the unique and wonderful people they are.”

Quoted material is taken from Carole Allen’s “Imagine,” a piece she wrote and submitted to legislators to earn their support for gay rights.

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You believe there’s a “gay gene” then? What about the lawyer gene?? What about the dude who wants to do it with ducks and chickens?? Some sort of a duck/chicken gene, or is that guy simply a pervert????

Imagine that! They also can’t marry each other (or their pets). /s

Boo freaking who.

It’s mass denial. They don’t see a “recruiter.” They see someone coming to them to meet a “need” which would likely have otherwise been a passing infatuation.

That’s false as well. I’m old enough to know gay folks who didn’t act on their desires until in their twenties or thirties.

they won't have to worry about their kids inbreeding

That would be true IF the children do not seek out anonymous donors for alternate child-bearing processes AND the people administering the program follow requirements that do not allow sibling sharing of the gene pool.

But if brother's sperm can be anonymously donated to fertilize sister's egg, there could be a whole new generation of problems in the future.

I don’t think it matters. Some people are gay. Whether they’re gay because of genetics or environment or martian ray-guns pointed at them in line at the supermarket check-out doesn’t matter.

Until quite recently, most small town communities had reltively few gay people in them. Maybe the guy who owned the flower store or funeral parlor. If a kid was gay, he quite he quite sensibly left the small town for the big city and nobody paid much attention beyond a stray morsel of gossip. Also, gay characters weren’t depicted in movies or television shows. It wasn’t an issue.

That’s changed to the point where many small town folks genuinely feel under attack.

I have no idea how people become gay, and I don’t really care. But I know for a fact that there are gay people who knew they were gay from an early age without being “recruited.”

I don’t know how you can compare a man being attracted to a man to a man being attracted to a duck. Don’t you think that’s a little insulting to straight women?

I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. In fact, their lack of morality presents what I see as a clear and present danger to society.

Let it be made loud and clear that these people are NOT my countrymen.

FRiends the time has long passed for us to secede.

We need conservative states and have the rest of the faggots go to their own country

"You envision a future for your child..."

...where the kid grows up and has a family. A family that the kid and his/her spouse made the old fashioned way. Isn't that right? Isn't that what you meant to say?

Mr. and Mrs. Allen, for that reason alone, if you're telling us you're happy with both your kids coming out, you are completely full of crap.

Lol, no I’m agreeing with you. I had no choice in being attracted to women. It just happened without my consent.

Admit it. You were recruited!

Well, I think we have beaten this thread to death, and a lot of you out there are gay, and still in the closet, and can stay there, or pretend there is nothing wrong with the whole concept and just get on with things. I know a lot of gay people, and they are from all walks of life. I don’t have to chose whether I need to accept their lifestyle, and they don’t have to try to recruit me into theirs. We get along, and many of you have a normal marriage, and children, and all the rest. Good for you! I also do not care if you have God in your life or not. That is your business. I think the Japanese have the right concept about the personal parts of our lives: Keep it between your ears, enjoy yourself and be happy for others and their lives. Don’t waste precious life on judging others.

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