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Harry Chapin ~ Cat's In the Cradle
900! Wh00 Wh00!
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Hi. Now you say something.
Hello. I’m Amy’s answering machine. What are you?
Hi! Anne’s answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Janice here. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hello, this is Margaret. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call Tina, Carol, or Mandy, please
leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.
Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Dan’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll... Uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.
I’m gone.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave’um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.